Shameless

Nobody's saying our neighborhood's the Garden of Eden.

Hell, some people say God avoids this place altogether.

But its been a good home to us, to me and my kids, who I'm proud of...

because every single one of them reminds me a little bit of me.

Fiona, my rock, huge help, has all the best qualities of her mother...

- except she's not a raging psycho bitch. - Blow.

Lip, smart as a whip. Straight's and the honor roll.

Boy's definitely going somewhere.

You, come back! Stop!

Ian, industrious, conscientious, ambitious, incredible work ethic.

Don't have a clue where he got that from. Wants to be a paratrooper.

Knows how to disembowel an enemy with a roll of dimes and an old gym sock.

Carl... Um, I don't really know that much about Carl.

Oh, loves animals.

Always dragging home some poor stray he found, taking them up to his room.

Ah, Debbie, sent by God, total angel.

Raises money for UNICEF year-round, some of which she actually turns in.

Liam, gonna be a star.

I'm no biologist, but he looks a little bit like my first sponsor.

He and the ex were close.

Kev and Veronica, fantastic neighbors.

There's nothing they won't do for each other...

or to each other.

That didn't hurt half as much as I thought it would.

I never realized how little sex I was having...

till V and Kev moved next door.

And me, Frank Gallagher, father, teacher, mentor.

Captain of our little ship.

We may not have much, but all of us, to a man...

knows the most important thing in this life:

We know how to fucking party. Wa-hal

Go!

Fuck you, Pig!

Let's go.

Let's go, people. COP 2: Go home. Let's go. Out.

Seven fifteen, monkeys. Come on.

Seven fifteen.

"Oh, no. I fell down."

First shower. LIP: You had it yesterday.

Fuck!

Shit.

Electric. LIP: Yeah.

Coming through.

Electric.

- Electric. - E|electric.

No, you got a Happy Meal on the front of that shirt,

Field trip. Need Dad's signature.

Okay. FIONA: Arms up.

Deb, that's getting really good. Who's got the phone?

I got it. FIONA: Any minutes left?

Uh, fourteen.

Hey, I need something for show-and-tell.

How much are we short? - Eighteen dollars, thirty cents.

I'm tutoring after school. Should be able to kick in 10 more.

Wait, did Carl put in any?

You're almost 9, you're gonna have to start pulling your weight.

And get a real job, not just dipping into the collection plate at St. Tim's.

I'm filling in for Candi. I can cover the rest.

Extra kraut on mine. IAN: Cheese on mine.

- Somebody's gotta take Liam. - Uh, I got a calculus test.

I'm working after school.

Show-and-tell?

Show them the birthmark on his back. It looks like Latvia.

Hey, that's my fucking bike!

No Candi again? - Bobby's got a bail hearing.

That kid's gonna be the death of her. What is it this time?

Tried tagging a cop car with the cop still in it.

- What? - Who's got the jumbo dog?

How'd you know?

X-ray vision.

Hey, would you tap that ass?

Once, if I double bagged it. Project girls don't abort.

Hi. I'm here to help Karen study for her midterm.

Okay-

You'll have to take your shoes off.

- What? - I'll get you a plastic bag.

Here you go.

She's got this thing about people bringing dirt in the house.

- Melissomophobia. - Oh, right.

I like that with the candle. WOMAN: Yeah.

Okay, so if you remember it like this, the formula's completely visible.

Okay. Midget naked witch is bending over...

and she's crying because she lost one ear and she can't find it.

How do you know all this?

Just something I like to fool around with.

Like a hobby?

No, more like a plan.

- Physics? - Yeah, yeah.

Have you done Newton's first? I've got a great one for that.

Everybody continues...

in a state of rest or uniform motion...

unless acted upon by an external force.

Uh, hang on. Karen, I'm...

I'm still gonna have to charge you for this.

Charge me?

Yeah, this isn't charity. I get paid for tutoring.

I know. Science just turns me on.

Okay-

Jesus.

Lip, you in there? Lip? LIP: Yup.

Can I borrow your deodorant? LIP: I'm using Ian's.

If I stick this in the wash before I go, keep an eye on it?

- Do it tomorrow. - It stinks in here.

Sorry, there's a shirt I need.

Fiona. We need to go if we're gonna get a ride to the club.

Five minutes. - Look at me.

This has gotta go back tomorrow.

- I'll put it back on later. I have a tag gun. - What?

From when I worked at T.J. Maxx. Let's go.

Hot dogs downstairs. Nachos too.

Have fun. VERONICA: Bye, lovely.

Hey, Veronica.

She won't ever get enough.

Once she gets a little touch

if I had it my way You know that I'd make her say.

Ooh.

Ooh.

I said no more sailors And no more soldiers.

With your name in a heart Tattooed upon their shoulders.

Kisses like whiskey It gets me drunk

in the morning With the taste of your tongue.

In the back of the car On the way to the bar.

My purse! Fuck! My purse. That bastard took my purse.

She won't ever get enough Once she gets a little touch.

Shit. Hey! Hey!

Asshole!

Ah! SONY-

That was fucking incredible.

Truly, honestly, one of the most heroic things I've ever seen. Did you see him?

- Yeah. - Stupid, but, man, heroic.

Steve. My name is Steve.

Uh, I was gonna offer to buy you a drink anyway.

Oh. She'll take a drink.

- Hey, where do you think you're going? - Are you serious?

- Where's his stamp? - Can you believe this joker'?

If you were doing your job, he wouldn't have had to.

- No stamp, no re-entry. - Is he for real?

Fat prick.

- Fine. You're all barred. - For what?

- Drugs. - What?

He probably let him get away, he knows him.

- Shut up, skank. - Watch your mouth.

Or you're gonna do what? Okay, forget it. Please, forget it.

Okay, come on. Let's get a cab. Thank you. Come on.

Oh, shit!

Hey, watch it!

Hey, fucker!

You motherfucker!

Got a hummer today.

What's the law on sex with pets?

From Karen Jackson.

- No way. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She got a C in physics, needed a B.

Yeah, you wouldn't have waited this long to tell me.

Oh, five hours.

- Okay, you're full of shit. - Fuck you.

You ever have a knob-job?

Once or twice. LIP: Ah. Wow.

I didn't hear you rushing to tell me.

Yeah, well...

I mean, I thought we tell each other everything.

Unless...

you got sucked off by a guy.

For instance.

No way, Lake Forest? Lake Forest is not Chicago.

I'm not kidding, Steve.

You are dead if he ever lays eyes on you. And I mean dead.

I nearly peed myself when you hit him. Well, I did a little.

Hey. LIP: Hi.

How many of you live here?

Not me, I'm one down. But the guy next door died in March...

which technically makes us next-door neighbors.

You're a nurse? VERONICA: Used to be.

Lying bitch.

She worked housekeeping at Cook County.

Bedpans and shit sheets. VERONICA: Fine...

but I was offered a place in the nursing school.

Fine, but it never happened.

They fired her for selling medical supplies on eBay.

- Shut up. We don't even know him. - Steve.

- Debbie. - How you doing, Debbie?

- Nice watch. - Thanks. Panerai.

What'd that set you back about, six bills?

Plus Ian. STEVE: Hey.

- Hey, Debbie, why do they call him Lip? - His real name's Phillip.

Yo, Veronica. You got my keys?

- What's going on here? - This is Steve.

Decked the bouncer at Purgatory to defend my honor.

- My honor. - Yeah? Which bouncer'?

Jimmy Clifton.

Jimmy Cl»-? Well, Jesus, man, put it there. Respect.

Guy just stands there. Doesn't really do any~.

Yeah, you'll be his third conviction. Third or fourth. Fourth, yeah.

After that much practice...

you'd think the man would have manslaughter down by now.

No more fuck-ups like leaving his dad breathing.

His dad? KEVIN: Yeah.

Five years over an '87 Monte Carlo with 200,000 miles on the odometer.

A fucking Monte Carlo.

Okay, time for bed. Up the wooden hill. It's not even midnight.