The Haunted Forest

- Are you sure this is the best place?

Isn't this near where they found all those bodies?

- Sweetheart, the only body I'm thinkin'

about right now is yours.

Come on, Todd, I'm serious.

So am I.

I've been thinkin' about you all day,

and exactly what I am gonna do to you.

Come on, Todd.

I'm not messing around.

- Oh, you're not? - Hm-mm.

- Isn't that what we came here to do?

- I just think we could be more comfortable

at my parents' place.

Your parents are nosy.

- They just want what's best for me.

- I know what's best for you, baby girl.

My God, you're impossible.

I'm trying to have like an actual conversation here.

- Sweetie, I'm listening to you, okay?

I really am.

If what you really want is for us to drive all the way back

to your parents so they can make us some chamomile tea

and probably grill me about my college plans,

then that,

is exactly,

what,

we'll do.

Well?

- I guess we can stay for a little longer.

That's my girl.

What was that?

I don't know.

- Okay, can you go and check it out?

Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

- And that's what made Jane Austen

such a revolutionary force in literature.

She brought a level of psychological realism,

not to mention physical realism to the English novel

that really had no parallel

in the writers who came before her.

In this sense, we could argue that Jane Austen invented

the English novel and the modern novel as we know it.

We'll get into more detail on this next week.

Please read chapters five through eight.

Have a great weekend.

- This is DJ Coronary,

and that was "Medianoche" by a Dark Lunch.

It's Friday, October 3rd,

which makes it exactly four weeks until Halloween.

Who's ready to get scary?

All right!

All right, that's what we like to hear!

Now, I know you've all been working really hard,

getting ready for tonight.

You are tired, you're stressed out,

you probably still have a few things

to get done before we open at eight p.m. sharp.

So I'm gonna keep this brief,

but I do just wanna take a moment

to remind ourselves why we're here.

What are we doing here?

What is this about?

This ground that we're standing on right now is sacred ground.

And some would say cursed, but I don't see it that way.

300 years ago, there was a massacre right here.

400 Piscataway Indians were slaughtered

by enraged white settlers.

This kind of thing happened all too often in the early days

of this country because of greed,

because of hatred, because of ignorance.

And those spirits are not at rest.

Those victims still cry out at night.

I hear them.

You guys know I live less than 100 yards away.

I'm telling you, I hear those ghosts at night.

Sometimes they keep me up into the wee hours.

So yeah, we're running a business here.

We are entertainers.

People come out for the night from D.C., from Baltimore.

They wanna have a good time,

they wanna have a good burger,

and they wanna get good and scared, and that's great.

That's all great.

But I like to think we're also here to honor the dead.

To be their voice when they can't speak for themselves.

So let's just, let's keep that in mind

as we go about our duties, all right?

Let's be safe, let's have fun,

and let's scare the shit outta some people, am I right?

Woo!

Ow!

- All right, you all know your assignments,

so let's get into makeup and get set.

You have two hours. Go.

Go, go, go, go, go, go.

Yo, yo, yo, cousin!

- Yes. - When'd you get here?

How was the drive?

Good, man, good.

I'm really happy to be here.

- Oh, happy to have you, brother.

Happy to have you.

Yeah, this is gonna be fun.

- Yeah, thanks a lot for just like,

letting me come here and-

Listen, don't thank me, okay?

Don't thank me.

You're gonna work your ass off.

You'll be cursin' my name before the night's out.

I doubt it.

You good, man?

You need anything?

- Just point me in the right direction.

Oh, sure thing, yeah.

Hey, Jacko?

Yeah?

- Can you show Fresh Meat here where he gets his face done?

- Yeah, sure. Just follow me.

- Just follow Jacko. He'll get you situated.

All right.

Come to me if you need anything, okay?

All right, thanks man.

Sure thing.

So good to see you, I'll see you back at the house.

- Hey. - Hi.

So you're Mark's cousin?

Yeah. Zach.

- I'm Jacko. Nice to meet you.

You've been doin' this awhile?

Oh, about 15 years.

- Whoa. - Yeah.

I was here when Mark started this place

many moons ago.

- Anything I should know about it?

It's a blast, man.

Just relax and enjoy yourself.

This is a magical place.

- Is it true about the massacre and everything?

I doubt it.

Mark likes to tell stories.

- So, you've never seen a ghost here?

Well, no, I didn't say that.

Get in line, muchacho.

This is where the magic happens.

- You ever been a walking skeleton before?

Not that I can remember.

- You're gonna love it.

Wait till you see.

- So, how long have you worked here?

A couple years.

- Do you go to school around here or?

Yeah, I did.

Kinda takin' a couple years off before I go to college.

- That's smart, consider your options.

Exactly.

Do you go to school around here?

Yeah, I'm at Philips-Howard.

I'm a senior.

Philips-Howard, is that...

That's a boarding school, right?

Yeah.

What are you, rich?

No, just smart.

- Well, I guess that's the next best thing.

All right, let's take a look.

You like it?

- It's like I'm looking at the real me for the first time.

- I'll take that as a yes.

All right, next customer.

It's nice to meet you, Zach.

Yeah, you too.

- Okay, so this spot is pretty simple.

You're gonna hide behind the scarecrow,

jump out and scare people.

If someone seems a little nervous, definitely target them.

You can also kinda walk along beside them, get too close.

That freaks 'em out sometimes.

You don't need to say anything.

It's usually scarier if you don't.

Any last questions?

- When will I know when it's time to leave?

- Oh, someone will come find you.

Don't worry about it.

All right, have fun. See you after.

- Thanks, man. See you soon.

- Jesus man, what are you supposed to be?

Aw, I think he wants to be friends.

Hey, nice meetin' you, man.

- I really wanna get outta here.

Oh my God!

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

- Trisha, don't be such a wuss. - Did you see that guy?

He's fucking creepy!

Oh!

Yo, Jesus, man!

Oh, absolutely not.

Oh, fuck!

- Come on guys, are we open or what?