Rory Scovel: Show Must Go On

Fuck does that joke start?

- -Shut up. Just give me a fucking second.

All y'all acting like when you shoot your specials

you're just fucking, uh, invincible.

I'm just gonna fucking wing it.

Now it sounds like I set that up

just so I go, "I'll fucking wing it, dude."

Why would anyone like it? I'm clearly having a mental breakdown.

"I like that he winged it, but I don't love that he had to."

It's kind of like if you still listen to Thriller or not. You know what I mean?

I don't like that he did that,

but… …it's a good album.

When that guy moonwalked, weren't we all like,

"Hmm, this guy does stuff a little bit backwards."

You know what I mean?

All right, I'm gonna say that joke again and just see if it comes to me,

but it's not really there.

Um…

I know this is awkward.

Uh, I'm gonna say it again.

And honestly, if you don't even want to respond

because you have heard it and I just delayed us that long,

don't.

It's my fault.

It's my fault what's happening.

But if you wanna go even more crazy,

so when people watch at home, they're like,

"I don't know. That response just doesn't really match."

"You sure this thing isn't, like, fucking very edited?"

I say that joke and you guys are like…

"Yeah!"

Nobody do that. Or do. Or everyone do that.

Just in case that's not coming through, I'm trying to tell Christian Republicans,

you are fake as fuck.

No! No!

-We can't use that. -

There he goes.

Holy shit, Seattle.

Holy fuck.

I can't believe we're making you clap like that.

Jesus Christ.

Thank you guys so much.

Thank you for being here. I really appreciate that.

It's good to be in a blue state.

It's not quite as fun as the red ones,

but we'll do what we can do.

All right, blue state, blue city.

I think we all know what lives just beyond the trees.

And their powers are growing.

No, I like it. I like doing the shows in the red states.

You guys know me.

I slant a little more conservative than most.

A lot of people think I do liberal material,

but, uh, I'm actually more… more conservative.

I don't know if you guys have your fingers on the pulse of stand-up these days,

but if us…

…us comics, we got to go red if we wanna make a little green.

You know what I mean?

That time has come for me.

And then on the back end, you get to be like,

"Well, I didn't know it was gonna be like that."

Remember the first time you ever heard about militias,

you were like, "What? Do what now?"

"What is that?"

Even as a kid…

even as a kid, it didn't make sense to you.

"We train. We train out in the woods."

"We train, in case the government ever gets a little too authoritative."

"That's when we step in."

"We're the militias."

I don't know if you guys know any.

Maybe let them know the game has started.

I would do it.

I haven't been training in the fucking woods.

I've been doing this like a dipshit.

So if y'all know any, go tap them on the shoulders.

Be like, "Hey, look, not even trying to interrupt."

"Just wanna let you know

that for sure the other team is on the field."

"They're definitely on the field right now."

I'm kidding.

You can't do that.

The government hired all the militias.

Dress for the job you want.

The government went up to the militias,

"Wait, what if we're not the bad guys?"

And the militia was like, "Wait. What? What?"

"What? We've been training."

"We've been training like you guys were the bad guys."

"Who are the bad guys?!"

The government was like,

"What if the voiceless are the bad guys?"

"Oh!"

"That's why they've been so quiet."

You know, during COVID,

those ICE motherfuckers hated masks.

They sure as shit wear them to work every day now. Don't they?

Shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up.

I don't need any goddamn teammates tonight.

I stand alone.

I'm just glad they figured out the breathability in those things.

Remember during COVID?

"I can't breathe in this!"

Now they're running a hundred yards,

and I am being so generous with that distance.

Obviously, if anybody here is in a militia or ICE,

I'm fucking joking.

Can we not tell jokes anymore?

You gonna act like a bunch of liberals, or can we fucking tell jokes?

No, look, if there are any Christian Republicans here tonight,

and I razzmatazz you a little bit,

I want you to know it…

it actually comes from a place of jealousy.

Yeah, I wish I was like you. I'm not.

I voted blue my whole life. I'm 45 now,

and I realized I fucked up.

I fucked up.

I see you. I see you out there,

and you're having so much more fun than me.

I want that.

God, I could've had it.

Could've had it.

Grew up in South Carolina, conservative state.

Was raised Christian.

Could've stayed there. Could've kept my fucking mouth shut.

But no,

I had to take a shining to spoken word…

move away, and develop empathy

and compassion,

and learn that the world is filled with other people.

And it… it…

That sucks.

Don't do it that way.

It sucks.

I don't want to be like that anymore. It's difficult.

I see a homeless person,

my heart is, like, shattered.

I'm like, "I don't really know what we do here."

"A couple bucks doesn't fucking help anybody."

"It's a bigger thing."

"And I don't know what the solution is."

I can't live like that anymore.

It's killing my soul, and it's killing my heart.

I wanna be like you Christian Republicans.

I wanna be like, "Get the fuck out of my way!"

"I'm trying to go to church,

and you're in my fucking way!"

"I'm trying to go in there

so I can learn about Jesus

and what he would do in this situation,

and I can't!"

"I'll never know

if he would've helped you."

Just in case it's not coming across,

I'm trying to tell you Christian Republicans,

you are fake as fuck.

-You are fucking fake. -

-Shut up. -

You shut up.

Every time you clap,

it makes a conservative fucking move in their seat.

"Ah,

the unity in here."

Obviously, I'm joking.

You Christian Republicans are fucking dope.

Y'all are cool as shit.

Y'all are cool as shit. You're wildly loyal.

No one would ever argue with that.

Your art is incredible.

Oh my God, show me. What did you add a flag to?

Whoa. Whoa!

I have so many liberal friends.

They're like, we gotta figure this out before the next election.

Oh, do we? Do we?

Do we gotta figure it out?

Oh, we gotta get our ducks in a row for the next one?

Could you imagine being an adult and honestly believing

there will be more elections?