Legal Eagles

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday, dear Chelsea

Happy birthday to you

- Happy birthday. Good night. - Good night.

Chelsea!

Chelsea, come on. We have no time.

My painting! Where's my painting?

- Daddy! Daddy! - Bob!

Daddy! Daddy!

Bob, get the hell out of there, for God's sake!

Jesus!

This was the scene 18 years ago,

as millions of dollars' worth of Sebastian Deardon paintings literally went up in smoke.

Deardon perished in the flames.

Surviving the inferno was his eight-year-old daughter, Chelsea Deardon.

Last night, that same Chelsea Deardon, now 26,

was arrested for attempting to steal one of her father's valuable paintings

from the Manhattan penthouse of Robert Forrester. Police...

Hey. I was watching that.

- Sorry! The news is so boring. - Yeah.

Did you do your homework?

I'm just finishing it.

Your mother always tells me to make sure you do your homework.

And you tell me that you have no homework, until it's time to leave.

Why is that?

I only have to write one paragraph on an emotion. It's easy.

Easy? You think things are easy?

- Can we go out for breakfast? - No, we can't go out for breakfast.

We ate out last night.

When you stay with me, we're a family.

We eat in,

occasionally.

- Dad? - Yeah.

- You didn't sleep again, did you? - Huh?

- You didn't sleep again. - I slept.

I woke up and I heard these strange sounds.

And...

Were you dancing in the bathroom?

Dancing in the bathroom?

Mom says whenever you can't sleep, you tap dance in the bathroom.

Oh, she did, huh? Do you believe that?

Well, so I danced once or twice, but I don't tap dance.

Uh-huh?

Dad!

Oh!

Get back. Hold on. I got it. I can handle it.

Got it.

Don't tell Mom about the toast.

See you in a few days.

- Bye. - Bye.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Oh, it's, um...

- Good morning. - Hey. Good morning, Tom.

- You're going to court. - Court? This morning?

Howard Marchek, receiving stolen property.

Slumber party?

Marchek. This isn't my case. This is Henning's.

Yours now. Henning's got laryngitis.

Tom, thanks. You were right about the landlady.

I put her on the stand and she cracked like an egg.

Oh, yeah?

I cracked her like a walnut. She crumbled like blue cheese.

- He ought to open a restaurant. - How'd you get oatmeal on your shirt?

Oh, damn it.

Do me a favor, will you? Help me with this shirt.

What do I got here? What's wrong here?

Oh, great.

I hate to break up your aerobics class, Logan, but this is important.

- What do you got, Blanchard? - Logan, I need that 750 form.

- Of course you do. What is it? - 750?

The monthly composite of trials and verdicts.

- Do you have it? - No. No, I don't.

- Okay. - I filed an 822 instead.

Logan, I'm familiar with every form used in every division of the DA's office.

I assure you there's no 822, and I do know that.

You got me.

Okay. I'd like to see this form, 750, on my desk by the end of the day.

- Okay? Thank you. - Yes.

- You've got lunch with the chief today. - Yeah, I know. 12:30, his office.

1:00 at Le Zinc.

Right, 1:00. Le Zinc.

Hey. Marchek,

- who's the defense on that case? Yeah? - Laura J. Kelly.

She once tried to put a dog on the witness stand.

Under oath?

Mr. Marchek is a beloved member of a very large and tight-knit family.

We've brought forth over two dozen cousins, aunts, uncles, in-laws,

each of whom has testified under oath that the alleged stolen property

was given to Mr. Marchek as birthday gifts by them.

Now, 14 of them chose to give him a television set.

An unlikely coincidence?

Under normal circumstances, perhaps.

But we all heard Mr. Marchek's sworn testimony

that all he really wanted was a sort of a media room,

not unlike that of the President of the United States.

Now, then. The prosecution has made a rather big issue out of the fact

that none of these relatives could produce a receipt for the merchandise.

Oh, that's a very lovely watch, sir. Do you have a receipt?

No.

- Clerk, arrest this man. - Objection, Your Honor.

Defense is fondling one of the jurors.

Sustained.

You're not a thief. Neither is Howard Marchek.

Receipts come, and receipts go.

He did what any compassionate human being would've done in a situation like this.

He offered a fellow citizen a fair deal.

Are we to reward that kindness with a jail term?

For all our sakes, I hope not.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, please look into your hearts,

place yourselves in Mr. Marchek's position,

and return a verdict of "not guilty." Thank you.

Before I begin my closing remarks, I'd like to congratulate Miss Kelly

on a defense which has been so entertaining and imaginative.

I must confess to you, I... I didn't know whether to refute it

or to simply give it a round of applause.

But we're not in a theater here. We're in a court of law.

And in court we have to deal with the facts.

Now, the defense says this was a birthday party.

Well, we've all been to birthday parties. We've had our share of birthday presents.

But all known generosity pales when compared to the attention

lavished on Mr. Howard Marchek by his adoring relatives.

This must have been some birthday party.

Detectives said they found TV sets, stereos, microwaves, typewriters.

Not exactly the kind of variety you find at Sears,

but definitely selling at much better prices.

What about the Obitser arraignment?

- I'll set the date. - Mr. Logan. Slow down.

Twenty-seven relatives, birthday presents. Were you serious?

It was all I had. It was the best possible defense.

That case never should have gone to court.

You should have pleaded him guilty at the arraignment.

Think of it this way, every person, guilty or innocent, deserves a defense.

- It's in the Constitution. You could look it up. - Why are you following me?

I'd like you to talk to one of my clients, Chelsea Deardon.

Chelsea Deardon. I plan to talk to Chelsea Deardon, in court.

I'm not talking about court.

There are special circumstances surrounding this case. I'd like to brief you...

- If the evidence is compelling enough... - It is.

Well, then I'm sure the jury will agree with you. Now, excuse me.

I'm trying to prevent a miscarriage of justice.

I'm talking about evidence a jury may never have a chance to hear.

You have a reputation for fairness.

Chelsea Deardon is important to me.

- She's a client I can believe in. - Like Howard Marchek?

That's it?

- That's the entire extent of your curiosity? - Oh, no, on the contrary.

Twenty-seven relatives, a talking dog?

I can't wait to see what you're gonna come up with next. See you in court.

Clients of yours?

Listen, you got to get that done this afternoon because of the banquet. All right?

Got it. Right.

Watch it!

Tom.

- Tom. - Yeah.

You got a handkerchief?

Yeah, sure. God.

That is my table. I sit there every day of the week.

- Just a minute. - You know it is.

- Please, sir. - I always have reservations.

I'm sorry.

- Tom, I need your legal opinion. - Not now, I gotta see Bowers.

I'll make it short.

My client slams his truck through the window of a 7-Eleven.

He breaks a customer's leg, bangs up the clerk with bruises.

You got a problem.

Okay, look, my client is driving, but he is also with a woman

who's resting her head in his lap actively.

What are you talking about? Speak English, Ed.

Resting her head with affection.

Naturally, this breaks his concentration on driving, and...

I can build a case on this.

Ultimately, the accident is her fault and not his.

- What do you think? - I'd sell the screen rights.

Chief.

- A drink for you, sir? - Um...

- Yeah. No. Sorry. - You're late. Cause me stress.

Doctor says I'm supposed to cut down on stress.

These pills kill the acid in the coffee

before the acid in the coffee kills me.

Now let's get to the point here.

You know, Tom, I always had the highest personal regard for you,

both as a lawyer and a human being.

I appreciate that.

That's why I picked you to give the keynote at the banquet tonight.

Every year some poor son of a bitch has to get in front of the crowd

and spout comforting nonsense.

This year, I want to hear it from someone with style and charm.

I want to hear it from someone who's my choice

for the next district attorney.

You.

Me?

This is finally it, folks, my last year as your district attorney.

Too late.

Appeal denied.

Now then, the big question is, who'll replace me?

Well, perhaps someone like our keynote speaker here tonight.

For the past 12 years, I've given this man

the toughest assignments and the heaviest case loads,

and for one simple reason. He gets the job done!