Transformer

How am I ever gonna find peace being comfortable in my own skin?

The truth is, it's taking everything I've got as a man to become a woman

because when it comes to being a man, well--

I was one hell-of-a-guy.

There is no weight, no weight.

Oh, yeah! Press that!

From as far back as I can remember, I've had two desires.

To be strong and to be a woman.

I just never knew how I could have both.

Did it!

Some of these are my dad's old photos when he was a kid.

And I think that's what this one is.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

These ones are when I was once a little baby.

That's the trailer I grew up in.

My very humble beginnings.

Growing up basically poor white trash,

I definitely had issues with feeling less and wanting to not feel the way.

There are times where I got bullied and I hated it.

I hated that feeling.

I hated that feeling of vulnerability.

I get him a book by Arnold Schwarzenegger

and he read the whole thing.

And I told him, I says: "Well, you do everything that Arnold did

and you'll be like that, you know." Well, he took it seriously.

I started high school at 118 pounds,

I ended up at 180 pounds and the strongest kid around.

The harder I pushed the weights, the bigger and stronger I got, the better I felt.

This is my high school football photo.

On our games days, the guys would wear their jerseys and then

the girls would wear their cheerleader outfits to school.

And me, I'd be sitting there in class with my jersey on and I'd be looking at them

and wondering what it be like to switch places

and be in their place.

That was something that...

That it's never been out of my mind

for five minutes my entire life.

It was something you just

thought about all day, every day.

And...

I always been there...

And it tortured me for a really, really long time.

And this is my picture with President Clinton.

I actually have taken in the Oval Office.

Part of my reason for joining the Marines was

to challenge myself to make my own way.

And it was another way to push the feminine feelings down

and really focus on the masculine stuff.

If there was any period in my life I really overdid the macho thing,

that was definitely during that Marines.

First bodybuilder show.

This is right after I got out of the Marines.

Grabbed this championship,

Matt Kroczaleski.

You go, Matt. You're looking good.

Oh, yeah, nice job, Matt.

Look at his abs. Good abs.

I can tell you that just

being big and muscular means

the vast majority of people

aren't gonna mess with you.

It makes the odds of running into trouble in that way much, much lower.

Right after that is when I got real serious about powerlifting.

Come on, come on!

Feeling less than everyone else,

I had this really deep desire to win.

Come on, Matt.

Easy.

That's good.

It's my hun.

And as I grew, I met my wife.

And while the marriage didn't last, my three sons

became the most important thing in my life.

It's Christmas 2007.

Good morning, Maxx.

Good morning, Dad.

-Yeah, it's a turtle. - Go.

Go, go, go.

I loved my father, but he simply wasn't there.

Oh, turtle!

- Let me see, guys. Do you like them? -Yes.

-Woo-hoo. -I like mine a lot.

- Thanks, Dad. - You're welcome, buddy.

It didn't matter if I was lying down for bed, I was thinking about lifting.

Waking up first thing in the morning, I was thinking about it.

You know, I'd be sitting in pharmacy school during lectures and, hum, you know,

and... you know, I did alright and everything, but I-- I would be thinking about lifting.

Yeah.

Yeah!

I was the first powerlifter picked by a major supplement company.

Being big and strong, it gave me a sense of self.

It gave me an identity.

I was the crazy guy, the tough guy, the intense guy,

the one that could take anything.

My identity wasn't Matt. It was Kroc.

By the time I was done, I had bench pressed 738 pounds,

squatted 1,003, deadlifted 810, and the world record was mine.

Compared to everyone my size, I was the strongest man on the planet.

But I felt like the person I was, was completely constructed.

There was a whole, whole bunch that was missing.

And I didn't know if there was anything about me that was authentic.

My family had known for years that I was transgender,

but to the outside world, I was still Kroc.

More than once I have gotten dressed up and broke down crying

when I look in the mirror and just so unhappy with my body and how I looked and

my lack of ability to, you know, look feminine in the way that I wanted to.

What's up, everybody? What you are looking at are

pictures of a famous bodybuilder/powerlifter.

His name is Matt Kroc.

Right now that is a new Instagram.

This time around, under the name of Janae Marie Kroc.

As you guys can appreciate the back gains are absolutely still loyal

in my reckoning even though we cannot see it quite clearly.

This is a front lat spread, definitely a sight to be seen,

and the mass is still, actually, amazing.

When that video went public, I decided it was time to stop hiding.

If my story was gonna be told, I wanted to be the one who was going to tell it.

Yes. OK, we're good now, we're good now.

Alright, well, we're here today with a very special guest.

We're here with Janae Kroc,

and we got a lot of interesting and awesome things to get to today.

I mean, I didn't want any of this, that's what people don't understand.

I mean, I fought this as hard as I could, as long as I could.

Uhm, this isn't what I wanted. This was never a choice. You know, this is like...

It's either this or be miserable, you know, forever, and, uhm...

You know, at one point it drove me to consider suicide, and

to be honest, this will be the biggest challenge I've ever faced,

way harder than any of the injuries

or even cancer for me.

Uhm, this is way more difficult.

-When did you have cancer? -Back in 2004.

Testicular cancer, ironically, and I remember thinking,

"God, I hope it spreads everywhere, and they have to remove everything."

I knew, like, being a pharmacist and having a medical background,

I knew that's not how the cancer spreads.

That's how overwhelming

-this feeling was to need to be female. -That's crazy.

You're very physical, I mean,

you had world records in powerlifting,

a former marine, in general, just a fucking badass,

so it's not like you're saying you're a girly girl, but--

-Right, but yeah... -When it comes to being a dude, you were a tough motherfucker.

Yeah, and thank you.

It sounds funny coming out of me now, but,

That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said.

Janae, don't break down.

The hardest thing with my failed

transition attempts in the past was,

there's only two things really on my mind:

Being comfortable letting go of all that muscle

and all that strength because not only

you know, did I enjoy those things for competition and stuff,

but it was a safety blanket and always has been.

But then also, how is this gonna affect my boys?

They're a hundred percent supportive. I mean, they've been telling me for years,

you know, "Do what you need to do. We love you either way. It doesn't matter."

But they're going from having the world champion powerlifter,

super-dad that everyone looks up to, everybody loves their...

I mean, the coaches and stuff all love me.

Now they're gonna have the transgender dad.

- That was very permanent. - It is.

You know, and for them to say, "Hey, go do your thing"

is really cool, but I think at the same time,

it's good that you're recognizing that it's different, you know.

So, you said you're kind of transitioning now,

and you said that kind of means losing weight?

So, at this point, I am cutting weight.

Uhm, I've restarted female hormones.

I'm moving forward with it.

Is it a hundred percent?

I've started and stopped five times before.

So, there's... You know, never say never.

At first, you know, the attempt to transition was just

dieting for a few months, stopping lifting.

In my most recent attempt last year, I had dropped my lifting weight back

and started taking female hormones, and before I decided that,

"You know what, I can't do this."

After that, I came back, and I got bigger than I'd ever been.

For me, to be the woman that I want to be in appearance

and physical form, might not be possible.

I don't think I am comfortable as an extremely muscular woman,

but as a guy, that's the only way I'm comfortable. So, what do I do?

Hey, guys. Finally made it, huh?

-How's your day been? -Nice day.