Shameless

You really don't remember what happened last year?

- School. Now. - I dropped out.

- Get your diploma, I'll get mine. - What you doing?

- Studying. - You taking your GED? All right, Fi.

Estefania, Fiona.

You married a drug lord's daughter?

I'm not in love with her.

She doesn't love you either. She's got this other guy Marco.

Marco, you're me now, take my identity.

If Este's dad comes looking, she'll be married.

We can't have sex anymore.

- I'm pretty sure that Jody's gonna propose. - You're better than this guy.

Stay the fuck away from me and stay the fuck away from this baby.

Is it all right if I stay over tonight?

Couldn't go 12 hours without seeing me?

Went to the clinic today, said me having kids, not likely.

- No one said we have to stop trying. - Hello, boys.

- We got nothing to be ashamed of. - Fucking world do you live in?

Officer.

- Get on the ground. - This violating my probation? Heh, heh.

Unh!

- Is it the baby? - No. It's you. Get out!

I really am so sorry about all of this with Karen.

You deserve better.

Congratulations, my boy. You hit the jackpot.

- Frank. - What?

I think you should go.

Why don't you just live at your real home with your real family?

I don't like them.

And they don't like me.

Hey, stop that! Hey!

Please just go. Leave.

- Mind if I sleep here for the night? - It's no problem for me.

- Legal resident here, Steve? - Name's Jimmy now.

"Steve" was an alias he used to lie about who he was.

- I wanna meet your family. - Sorry to be late.

These are Fiona's brothers, Carl and Ian.

Do they know you're gay?

- I'm not gay. - Really?

- It's coming. It's coming. - Whoo!

- Doctor. - What's wrong with him?

- He has Down syndrome, Debs. - Yeah, and he's Asian.

Take it back to the hospital, somebody will want it.

I want it.

It's me or the baby.

The baby, sweetheart.

You know, you're gonna regret this.

I love you.

- Are you gonna leave? - No.

Everybody always leaves.

I won't.

Ugh.

- Morning, sunshine. - Why didn't you wake me up?

- I gotta make lunches before work. - Already done.

Carl, my man, would you like some more French toast?

- Uh-huh. - Lip and Ian?

Already fed and gone.

Why are you eating a Popsicle for breakfast?

Jimmy said it was okay.

- Got your smoothie ready to go. - Where's Debbie?

Out front like always.

Morning, Debs.

One hundred and thirty-seven days.

When I was 9 he was gone for a year.

He always comes back.

Lunch.

He'll be back, Debs.

He always comes back.

Hey, señor.

Hey.

Hey.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Hey, help me.

You need help?

Yes, thank you. Where am I?

- Juarez. - Mexico?

Did I miss Christmas?

Christmas? You almost missed Easter.

There's an Escalade parked across the street with someone in it.

It's nice. Still has its hubcaps. I think it was there yesterday too.

- Popsicle for breakfast? - Carl's teeth hurt.

Yeah, because he's eating Popsicles for breakfast. Did he brush?

- Before he left? - Yeah, think so.

Did you check his toothbrush, see if it was wet?

Hm. I was hoping that you'd still be in bed when the kids left for school.

I have to work.

- You've got five minutes. - Five?

Make it 10 if I focus on White Sox scores or something.

Liam?

Just plop him down in front of The Wiggles, he's good for hours.

I can't be late. I can't be late, I need the cash for the property tax bill.

Don't tell my kids they can do things they know they can't.

- Your kids? - A Popsicle?

So I'm just the nanny?

I can feed them, change them, but when Carl wants a second Popsicle...

- Second? - Didn't like the first. Banana.

His teeth are going to rot out of his head.

- We just spent two grand on his braces. - We?

What?

Not "we," me. I paid for Carl's braces.

No more Popsicles for breakfast, okay?

Lip and Ian left early?

Said they had to pick something up downtown.

- Downtown? - What they said.

Pick up what?

Go, go, go!

When you said you had access, I thought you meant through a door.

I may have fudged on that a bit.

- Hey! - Come on.

Get out of the way, get out of the way.

Kid, stop. Out of the way. Stop it!

Watch it!

Jesus, whatever happened to fat, donut- eating cops? Now they're all Triathletes.

Catch.

Tall prick looks good for another ten miles.

Shit.

Ditch it out at the street, yeah?

Wait, wait, wait, maybe they'll give up.

What are you doing?

Shit. Shit.

Whoa, whoa.

Right there, hold it!

No way West Point takes you with a felony conviction.

Hey.

- Catch you at the courthouse later? - Don't be stupid.

Call Mandy, all right?

Milkoviches gotta have a good bail-bondsman.

Argh!

Baby.

Baby.

It's your turn.

I know you're awake, you're making that fakey sleep sound.

I was up at 3 and 5.

Get your ass up, you goddamn, pony-tailed, Fabio motherfucker!

What?

Get your goddamn ass out of this bed! It's your fucking turn!

Is someone tearing his flesh off?

We sure this Ferber dude knows what the hell he's talking about?

Go!

Hush little baby don't say a word.

Papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird.

Stop it!

Passport, please.

Come on, man. Where's he going?

Medical emergency.

Hey, why's he going?

- Morning. - Passport?

Uh, yeah. Uh...

No. Must have left them in my other pants.

But I'm an American citizen. Chi Town born and raised.

No passport, no entry.

What? Since when?

Since Al Qaeda decided Americans needed killing.

You see, here's the thing, Agent Tacker.

You look like a man who occasionally enjoys a malt beverage...

so you can understand, every once in a while a couple drinks can get out of hand.

But when it happens, next morning you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off...

and get right back on the horse. Am I right, or am I right? Just let me cross.

I won't tell anyone, I promise.

You got a driver's license?

Any form of photo ID?

Costco card?

Do I look like I've got a Costco card?

You look like you need a course of penicillin and a lice comb.

Call home, get somebody to send you some kind of photo ID...

so we can use it to make you a temporary passport.

Get cleaned up.

Not letting you into this country so you can add to Texas' homeless population.

Next.

He just walks in. Doesn't even bother to knock.

That's nothing, Kev waltzes in, does his sit-down business while I'm taking a bath.

Only one bathroom, had to go.

We have another bathroom, but Jimmy can't be bothered to go downstairs?

Kev once did his poopy business while I was brushing.

Only one bathroom.

- Can I steal some of this? - Sure.

Yesterday I caught him vacuuming and watching Rachael Ray.

- Kev doesn't even know what a vacuum is. - Sure I do, outer space.

Dude in Armageddon got sucked right out of his space suit, exploded.

Nice overalls.

$14.50 an hour. You haven't lived till you've vacuumed up toxic waste.

Hey, what do you think, am I camera ready or what?

Ow!

My man. My topless web traffic is way down, too many girls ironing.

We're going to have a kid, I need to save for when my tits are the size of watermelons.

Probably a market for pervs who wanna see a woman nursing.

Kev's worried our kid might find these online one day.

Ooh. Shit on the net never goes away.

Kev junior's gonna be surfing for porn, see his momma's big titties and get hungry.

So we're trying a new web thing.

Couple act. Master and slave. Wah.

- In a cast? - Hey, man's got to eat.

- That's so wrong. - It's educational.

By acting out a scene from the old plantation, we're providing content...

for an internet audience that embraces a truthful reenactment of our past.

It's racist and wrong.

Which is why it's gonna make money because this country is racist.

What's that about?

Place we were working yesterday had a couple billion fleas.

Jimmy doesn't really do anything, he just hangs around the house all day with Liam...