Twisted Metal

Congratulations, one and all,

and welcome to Twisted Metal.

There are rules here.

No killing outside of an official round.

But there are also perks.

I provided delightful accommodations for you.

Great. High school.

It's bringing back, like, so many memories.

It's crazy.

I've seen the way you're acting with Mike,

and I don't like it.

I friggin' love it.

The last driver behind the wheel

gets their wish granted.

One wish per car.

I wish for all the walls to come down

in every city, everywhere.

The mask.

I wish to bring Krista back to life.

I did something behind Quiet's back.

I don't know what I'm gonna do about it, man.

I never lied to her before.

We can't afford another day like this.

John! This is life and death.

I've never seen you like this.

- What's going on? - I lied to you, Quiet.

I made my own wish.

Morning.

What can I get you?

I need an anniversary cake

that feeds eight.

Express delivery.

That's a big-ass cake.

It's a special occasion.

Put it on my tab.

You got it.

What the fuck?

Hey.

Looks like someone had a wet dream.

The fuck?

Goodnight kiss?

Fuck my life.

I'm not being selfish!

You made your own wish and didn't tell me.

You put our lives, the mission, all of us in danger!

And this is why I didn't want to tell you!

And that's pretty fucking selfish.

What the hell are you looking at?

A lonely soul.

But you can always join us.

Fuck off, Grimm job!

Hmm, looks like

that hot potato is back on the market.

Really? No more John?

Good.

Makes 'em easier to pick off if they're weak.

Like little fishies.

Seriously, John, you are being so small minded!

You don't think I wanted to wish for a million fucking things?

But this is bigger than us,

and you are being an asshole for not getting that.

Fuck! I can't even look at you right now.

No problem!

I'm leaving.

Oh!

Trying to wash the odor of betrayal

off your hot little body?

That's right, Stinky titties,

everyone in here knows what happened

because the walls are paper thin.

I didn't betray anybody.

Oh, okay.

Keep telling yourself that, tough guy.

I actually have to go this way.

Somebody's got to fix these lights.

When I took the Hippocratic oath,

I swore that I would uphold

the best interests of all my patients.

I appreciate the concern, doc.

I'm in the best shape of my life.

Um, actually, that's why I wanted to speak with you.

I received the results of your physical exam,

and, well, there's no easy way to say this,

but I found something.

Wait. Are you serious, doc?

Yes.

I thought I'd have more time.

Life is so incredibly precious, isn't it?

All right.

Don't sugarcoat it. Hit me straight.

I can take it.

You're sterile.

Oh. Well, that explains the weird rash.

No, no. Th-that's psoriasis.

Being sterile means that you can't have children.

Hey, I can have as many children as I want.

I mean, duh, kidnapping.

I-I mean, biologically.

Let me explain.

You see the testicles? They make the sperm.

I got plenty of testicles. What seems to be the problem?

Actually, you have too many testicles.

And unfortunately, none of them work.

Yours can't make sperm.

- Do-do you understand? - Yes.

No, no, I do not.

I can tell by your grunting,

you and the chatty man are at war.

Unfortunate.

A good cock is a terrible thing to waste.

If you no longer have use, shall I have him?

You don't need to ask me. John does what he wants.

He can fuck you, make his own wish,

jump off a fucking building.

- I don't care anymore. - Excellent.

I'm glad you approve.

For even in the Arctic wasteland I call home,

to violate the girl code would be something--

Good evening, my drivers.

Excellent showing in the last round.

You did so well,

I planned a little bonus round.

I trust you're all ready to fight.

Oh, shit, shit. Shit!

I've invited some new friends

to join the fray, the Apocalypse Nine.

They feel nothing and are very hard to kill.

They are the ultimate hunters of man,

and they are on your scent.

It's a shame you won't have your weapons,

but I've always found artillery to be a crutch.

You'll just have to use brains, brawn,

and good old American gumption.

The rules are simple.

All of you versus all of them.

Quiet.

Whoever's left standing

when the sun rises will move on.

Good luck.

There.

Now nobody can get in.

I can't get my gas.

We're all gonna die.

It burns. It burns!

That was a waste of a shower.

You saved me.

For now.

I plan on eviscerating you in the next round.

But first, we need to take care of these fuckers.

Get your ass up.

Man, what the hell are you doing?

I don't know. I thought you were, like,

an evil basketball dude or something.

Evil basketball dude? What the fuck is that?

We've been living with the abominable snow tits

and a bug fucker. How am I the asshole here?

What-- where are you going?

To find Quiet. I have to make sure she's okay.

Yikes. You sure you want to do that?

You don't know the full story.

I know you screwed up.

Relationships are built on trust, John.

These are complicated emotions,

and you wouldn't understand.

Oh, I wouldn't?

I'm a divorcee.

Oh, shit!

Is that fucking Freddy Krueger?

Did he say we're going to die?

Because if the dude with metal arms is scared,

we're fucked.

Hey, there, Gilbert Grape,

what's eating ya?

I can't fight without gas, man.

I can't fight, I can't kill,

we're all fucking dead.

I need it, man. I need the gas.

- I need that shit! - Hey, man, it's cool.

Nobody has their wheels this round.

I don't need it for my wheels, dumbass.

I need it for me. I drink it.

I'm a killing machine powered by pure premium unleaded.

Fuck!

Oh, okay.

That's very different.

Let's leave the opinions outside, Stuart.

It's a judgment free zone up in he-ah.

He said he drinks the gas up in he-ah.

Are you saying you need the gas in here?

Is it what you need in here?

What the fuck?

Hey, Dave, Dave, Dave.

I think we both know what time it is.

Oh, I'm picking up what you're putting down, Michael.

- Grab some chairs. - You got it, bud.

Uh, what time is it?

It's time for Dave to turn this shit around.

That's what time it is.

Didn't you hear Calypso?

There's a group of psychos trying to kill us.