Rooster

Hey, kiddo.

So, I gotcha a match a.

- I'm good. - You seem good.

So, the police would like us to come down to the station soon.

Maybe you want to throw on some socks and shoes.

Or, not socks. That's fine.

Even if I did burn his house down on purpose,

no jury would convict me.

Not sure we want to say that sort of thing out loud.

Maybe you wanna practice saying how it was an accident?

I don't need to practice saying the truth.

I like that.

If you don't slip that in, I am going to.

So, did you brush your hair?

- I did. - The back, too?

You know what? I like it. It's good.

Dad, I lost my slipper under the desk.

- Oh. Here you go, sweetie. - Can you kick it to me?

- There you go. - Thank you.

Let's keep our shoes on in here, folks.

There's some creamers.

- I'm good. - I know how this looks,

especially 'cause Arch and I were in a big fight,

and I was pretty pissed off.

Oh, sorry, hold on. I'm just listening and I'm not writing.

Just let me catch up here. Motive, check.

Officer, she doesn't have to practice if she is saying the truth.

Do you want me to write that down?

- Mm-hmm. - Anyway...

I took his copy of War and Peace and I lit it on fire.

Sorry, you intentionally burned my first edition Tolstoy?

- I did, yeah. - The Clara Bell translation

is the only one in the English language that has the second epilogue.

Oh, it burned so good.

So then, you did arson a book.

- Arson isn't a verb. - I'm pretty sure it's a verb.

- No, it's not a verb. - It's a verb.

And I am not looking it up, I just have to check...

- It's not a verb, mate. - Checking something else real quick.

I burned the book, but the house was an accident.

- I swear. - Oh, exactly.

Archie, is there anything that you would like to add

that might be helpful for your wife?

If Katie says that it was an accident, then it was an accident.

Well, there you go. Case closed.

No, don't do that. Don't tell me how to do my police work.

I don't tell you how to write your Rooster books, do I?

- Okay. - But I'll tell you what, if I did,

I would have the guy do karate.

- Maybe. - Wouldn't that be fun?

- Mm, sure. - You know, just going around,

like fighting stuff, like, "Ah!"

- Whoa! - Ah! My trousers.

Man, these are the only trousers I have that didn't burn in the fire.

- "Trousers." - Get some paper towels?

- Oh, yes. Okay. - Please. Christ alive.

You can barely see it.

I wasn't sure if you were gonna have my back, so thanks.

Yeah, of course.

I still love you.

Cool.

So, does your dad know that

that Sunny's been impregnated?

Absolutely insane way to distance yourself from it.

No. God, no. It's humiliating enough.

Yeah, I'm not even sure if Sunny's gonna keep it.

It's always sort of one thing or another with her.

Well, would you keep me posted on that? 'Cause I love a good cliffhanger.

Why did you do this to us?

I don't know, maybe I just wanted to be with someone

who thought I was really great again.

- Ew. - Recently, all of our conversations

have been about how I needed to change.

Okay, I know that I am flawed, I'll admit that.

Frankly, my self-awareness has made it

a lot easier for me to forgive you.

I already have, you know? But, I guess the only question is

will you ever be able to forgive me?

Can we... I wanna back up.

Did you...

You forgive me?

I do.

I mean, who hasn't gone a little crazy

- after a bad breakup? - Well.

- That's what Katie's going through. - Yeah, that's true.

I had a prom date stand me up, and I dropped out of high school.

- Oh. - Yeah, went out on the road

following Limp Bizkit around.

- Really? - Yeah.

Guess how many times they called me up on stage?

- Seventeen. - Seventeen?

You ever seen anybody get called up on stage 17 times?

That's an outrageously high number.

I was called on stage three times.

- Katie's a really good kid. - Ah!

- Whoa! - You stupid fuck.

You're lucky he didn't leave his gun in here.

Oh, actually, I did. I'm just gonna yo ink that...

- Oh! Heads up! - Jesus Christ!

Gun on the floor. You know, I never put it back right.

That's the main... There we go.

Before we get started,

submissions for The Ludlow Review are open,

so get us your poems and short stories.

I can tell you, nothing feels better than seeing your work in print.

My first published piece

is still taped on my dad's refrigerator

next to a Georgia Bulldogs magnet

and the number of a plumber who died about six years ago.

My stuff's not going on the fridge.

'Cause I write about real life. And in real life, I pull.

- Hmm? - I'm talking threesomes.

Girl-on-girl, milf, dilf, Eli.

- What's that? - You wanna get pegged?

- Okay. - I have asthma.

Okay, well, bring your nebulizer.

Eva. Heel, girl.

Okay, diving back into Emily Dickinson.

Hey, Walt.

Got you a double espresso in a big cup.

Ah, thank you.

I think our favorite barista might have cut her own bangs.

Something is deeply off.

I can't worry about Beverly right now.

We just heard about a new Green Initiative, and he's...

The trustees are shoving a very complicated policy down my throat.

Okay, you wanna take one of our coffee walks? You can vent.

I don't know.

- Good morning, Dean Riggs. - Hi.

Oh, Professor Shepard. Hi, buddy.

Cristle, can you send me a student file?

Gracie Shaw. She says she has ADHD.

But I think she's just lazy and a little dumb.

Or she's really struggling.

Let's all root for her.

How are you friends with this guy?

We're not close. I keep him at arm's length.

You two are having dinner tonight at 7:30.

Thank you, Cristle.

Oh. My bad.

Hey, Walt? Can we talk for...

Oh. Oh. Hi. How you doing?

- Great. - Great.

How'd you sleep?

- How did I sleep? - Yeah. Mm.

- I'm gonna go. - Alright.

- May I ask you a question? - Yes, come. What can I do for you, Greg?

Well, this is about Katie.

Fire away. Just don't ask how I slept.

That was bone-chilling. What's the deal there?

- Nothing, there was no deal. - Oh, please.

There was an undeniable sexual energy in that room.

I thought I was in Latin America.

But I know, I know.

You're a gentleman, you don't kiss and tell.

We didn't kiss.

So, you wanted to, but she said no?

Oh.

She wanted to, but you said no.

How are you doing this?

It's all in the micro expressions.

Come on now, give me the...

Give me the goss, and we'll get onto your thing.

No, I'm here because I wanna make sure that Katie's job is safe.

Well, her job is absolutely not safe. She burned down a historic faculty house.

That was an accident!

She also assaulted a professor down at the police precinct?

That was on purpose.

To be clear, I like Katie.

But I am also tasked

with protecting this institution, and I'm struggling with that.

Oh!

Good news. Struggle's over.

Katie resigned.

No, she didn't.

Wow, that is big font.

Let me talk to her before you do anything. Please. As a friend?

Friends share secrets, Greg.

Really?

Alright.

I think Dylan found me charming.

- Now, we're cooking, Greg. - We're so not cooking.

Ah.

Privet, mamochka.

What happened to your eye and pants?

Funny story about that. I was walking down Stone Hill, and I fell.

- Hilarious. - Yeah.

So, I got your text. What's up? You okay?

Yes. I told you I was pregnant, right?

Mm-hmm.

No one gets my jokes.

Listen, I just want you to know, Sunny, that it's such a big decision.

And whatever it is you decide to do...

I'm keeping it.

Oh. Great.

I know there are a million reasons I shouldn't have this baby.

I was supposed to go to Burning Man.

I think you'd love Burning Man.

But no matter how hard I try to not want it...

I find that I still do.