Miss Dial

Welcome to CPI Consumer Affairs, my name is Erica.

Which one of our fabulous products

are you calling about today?

I just, I just opened up a can of your tomato soup and there is

a big fat rat turd right in the middle of the soup.

Well, I am very sorry to hear that sir,

I can help you with that today but first, I just need to

verify a few things.

First of all, are you sure the foreign particle in question

is a rat dropping?

While rare, sometimes bits of meat can contaminate

our vegetarian soup products.

It's a rat turd. Okay?

Do you want me to send it to you?

Do you want to taste it and see if it's a stray piece

of prime rib, or do you want to go ahead and trust me

that there is in fact a piece of rodent shit

in the middle of my soup?

That won't be necessary, sir.

There is no need to preserve the can in question,

you can go ahead and dispose of it and I can send you a coupon

for a free replacement can of soup.

How does that sound?

That sounds pretty God damn weak!

You know, rats caused the plague, you know?

I could sue you.

I'm very sorry for your inconvenience.

Because of your extreme circumstances, I can offer you

a coupon for a dozen cans of soup, one each month for a year.

Would that be satisfactory?

Yeah, I guess, fine, whatever.

Great.

Let me just take down your information and we can

get that right out to you.

Please hold.

Yeah, I heard there's mercury in these light bulbs.

There is a trace amount of mercury used in the manufacture

of our compact florescent bulbs,

but there's no danger to consumers.

Is your bulb damaged or broken?

I don't think so.

Which one of our fabulous products

are you calling about today?

Yeah, hi, um, my, my popcorn setting, it's, uh,

it's still burning my popcorn.

I can help you with that, but first, I need to ask you

a few questions.

Did you remove the popcorn bag from the plastic wrapper?

Oh...

Um, let me call you back.

Is the toilet bowl cleaner safe for animals?

Excuse me?

My dog keeps drinking the blue water and I think it might be

making him sick, he keeps foaming at the mouth.

How do I know if the makeup is working?

This pizza is not as good as delivery pizza.

How do I make my eyes pop?

See, I'm having a little situation with

your instant glue.

This TV gets the same channels as my old TV.

What color goes on my T-zone?

In my day, you could buy a whole barrel of pickles for a nickel.

It says layer to desired result.

How do I know when I'm there?

Which one of our fabulous products

are you calling about today?

I'm calling about my crockpot.

Pet Lovers dry cat food mix.

The 18 volt shop-vac.

The Ready Made Nachos pack.

Mini pizza bagels.

Hemorrhoids cream.

The DVD player.

The plant food.

I can help you with that.

Yeah, um, I put the Blu-ray disc in and nothing happens

for like ten minutes before it plays.

CPI's Blu-ray players actually have some of the best load times

in the industry but as Blu-ray's a new technology, advances are

being made every day to provide innovative new features,

interactive online play and improved disc access time.

That's improved?

So it's supposed to suck?

Welcome to CPI Consumer Affairs, my name is Erica.

And which one of our fabulous products

are you calling about today?

Hi, I'm calling about your lawn mower!

It just cut off my toe!

Sir, you need to hang up the phone and call 911!

I can't...

Your number was on the lawn mower so I called you

and I don't know what to do.

I'm starting to panic, I'm losing a lot of blood here.

What do I do?

Are you crazy?

How long have you been waiting on hold?

What do I do?

Can you tell my mom I love her, Erica?

Hang up the phone and call 911 now!

Listen to me, hang up and call 911!

Gotcha!

Get a life, you little shit.

You sound cute. What's up?

And which one of our fabulous products

are you calling about today?

I'm calling about all of them, ma'am.

Yeah, 'cause I know CPI's working with three of the five

branches of Government.

I know that you're trying to brainwash the American people

with your frozen foods, and your TVs and your foot creams

so that no one questions the International Monitory Fund's

takeover of our civil liberties.

How ya like me now?

Hello?

Hey hun, what's up?

Not much.

What's going on with you?

Uh, some guy called me a whore today.

Wow.

How did he know?

Yeah, oh and some lady wants me to meet her grandson in Dallas

who is, uh, very nice and has almost total mobility.

Well, did you talk to him yet?

Him who?

Him who? Him Alex!

Uh, not yet.

You really need to confront him.

It's not that simple.

Erica.

I didn't see anything.

Sara saw them together with her own two eyeballs.

Yeah, well, just because they're having lunch

doesn't mean they're sleeping together.

Okay...You poor, dumb bastard.

Okay, fine...So what am I supposed to say?

Oh, uh, hi sweetie, how's your day, and by the way

are you sleeping with that skank, Amanda?

Works for me.

You just don't like Alex 'cause of what he said about your butt.

This has nothing to do with that, and for the record,

I just want you to know that I have never had

any complaints about this ass.

Men have eaten Har Gow off this ass.

Gross.

Oh, look, it's my boss, I gotta go.

Okay, take it, but you need to talk to Alex,

be strong, do not wimp out.

Okay, I'll call you later, okay?

Bye.

Bye.

My ass is awesome.

Hi, Mr. Koffsky.

Hey...my computer says that you're offline.

I know, I took a break.

Uh-huh...You're not scheduled for a break

for another 45 minutes.

I know...I, uh, had to go to the bathroom.

I had some bad nachos last night.

Look, Erica, I don't need to tell you, we let go of, what,

three Consumer Affairs reps in the last few weeks and that

means that the people that still have jobs need to pick up

the slack so more volume means less time for breaks.

I know, I'm sorry, I'm going back online right now.

Good, good, because you know the economy's tough and there

are people out there who would kill for your job.

I know.

See, I'm online.

Good...then why are you still talking to me?

Right.

Welcome to CPI Consumer Affairs, this is Erica.

Yes, my name is Jeffery Smith-Jones with a hyphen,

and I'd like to know why I can't get Caribbean Jerk pizza

in the UK?

I mean, it's not like it really comes from Caribbean.

No, of course not.

Our products are being introduced into new markets

every day.

Check back on our website for availability in your area.

Hi Erica.

I think I found a bone in one of your chicken nuggets.

I almost broke my tooth!

I can help you with that.

I'm sorry our product did not meet up to your expectations.

Okay...Um, right.

I can get that coupon out to you right away.

Okay, right.

Have a great day, sir.

Thank you, good-bye.

Hey.

Hey...

What's up, baby?

Where you been all day?

Right here, working.

So, uh, you coming over later?