Modern Family

Good morning.

There's the birthday boy.

Sixty-five candles on one cake. This is a big day for you...

and for the astronauts who can see it from space.

Happy birthday to you.

Thank you. And just so everyone knows, I want a quiet day.

No surprises.

Last night I found out that I am pregnant,

so Jay's gonna get one big surprise.

Okay, two if you count the barbecue apron with the bikini body on it.

I don't blame you, Jay. You've had enough excitement in one lifetime-

the dawn of flight, printed books, agriculture.

All right, what's with all the jokes?

It's insult comedy.

I've been watching old Dean Martin roasts online.

Like this guy knows from the Internet.

The other morning, I saw him looking for the crank on the front of his car.

Okay, you're done. I make fun, and we laugh.

But in all seriousness,

if you see a light today, don't walk towards it.

I'm sorry I was asleep when you got home.

Cam and Mitch must be disappointed.

They were really geared up to get that kid.

But there's a silver lining.

You might be right. Babies are a lot of work.

No, that's not what I mean.

I mean-Ah, you know, and these two aren't getting any younger.

The last thing they need is to start over.

Would that be so bad?

Hey, Jay.

Hey.

How you doing?

What the heck is that? What?

Get him!

Jay has been very explicit...

about what he wants to do for his 65th birthday,

but Phil Dunphy reads between the lines.

What the hell is going on? What are you doing?

Making your birthday dreams comes true.

This is your special day, buddy. Should we put him in the trunk?

Why would we put him in the trunk?

- You said there were no bad ideas. - Get this stupid thing off me!

- I thought you said the hood would calm him down. - It works with my falcon.

Don't worry, Gloria. We'll have him back in time for dinner.

Which for him is at 4:00 in the afternoon.

'Cause he's old! I love it!

This is really good coffee.

It really is.

Ah. Is it a medium roast or-

Uh, dark.

Oh. I was gonna say dark. I don't know why I said medium.

Well, you would've been right.

Mmm.

Is it whole milk or-

Two percent. Two percent.

Mm-hmm.

Okay. This is ridiculous.

We need to talk about the elephant in the room.

The giant stuffed elephant was a gift from our good friend Pepper.

Gay guys having kids is-it's relatively new,

so our community has not yet learned how to modulate baby gifts.

When Steven and Stefan had little Rocco,

Our friend Longinus sent over the whole cast of Yo Gabba Gabba!

Now Rocco cries whenever he sees bright colors.

I'm not allowed over there. No.

I guess we should donate it somewhere,

along with the 800-pound gorilla.

I mean, you know, now that we're not getting a baby, it's-

A decision, by the way,

which seems even better in the light of day.

Mmm. No, I totally agree.

So we're good? No, we're great.

We couldn't have handled this any better. No.

Where's my new baby brother?

Okay. Uh, a slight oversight.

Can I see him? Can we name him Larry?

Okay, sweetie. Here, have a seat with us.

Um, listen.

There's something we need to tell you.

Is it about Larry?

Well, uh, yes. Uh, sort of.

Um, it-it turns out that... we're not getting a baby.

Yeah, and I know this-this makes you very sad,

but I promise you we're still a family-

Can I have a kitten?

A kitten? If I can't have a brother,

then I want a kitten named Larry.

Okay, wh-what's this about? Is Larry on a show?

He's not. Which is what's weird.

Ooh! How was prom? So fun.

Michael and I danced all night. Uh-huh.

Then we stayed after and helped clean up, which was awesome,

because I got to meet next year's trig teacher.

That is not the prom I remember.

I have such a bad headache.

That's the prom I remember.

- Were you drinking? - Mom, do we really have to do this?

You ask if I was drinking, I say “No,”

and we both know that that's not true.

I mean, aren't we past this point in our relationship?

- No, young lady, we are not. - Then I wasn't drinking.

Me neither, Mrs. D.

Dear God. Tell me he did not spend the night here.

Mom, do we really have to do this?

Mom, I have a big decision to make about poetry camp this summer.

Is this about the walking sticks again?

Pack them all and decide when you're there.

I can either focus on sonnets or free verse.

I've always fancied myself a sonneteer,

but I'm thinking the free verse girls will be freer with everything,

if you catch my meaning.

Hmm. Ay. I'm sorry, Manny.

I'm sure you will make the right decision.

Are you okay? You seem distracted.

Manny, sit down. I have to tell you something.

What?

I am pregnant.

You're what?

I'm going to have a baby.

Wow. What?

You're not happy?

Yeah. Sure. It's just a lot to take in.

And I'll be honest, this isn't coming at a great time for me...

with everything I've got going on.

This is not your responsibility.

Neither is our wooden salad bowl, but I'm the only one who oils it.

Without me, that thing will soak up dressing like a sponge.

Manny, I can take care of a baby. I took care of you.

Please. I was an anomaly. I self-potty trained.

I just did not get the appeal of intentionally soiling one's pants.

That said, I will admit to missing the kisses on my tummy.

How did Jay take it?

I haven't been able to tell him yet.

He might not be too thrilled.

Do you think? I was starting to wonder the same thing.

He doesn't deal well with change. I know.

He still checks the front step for the evening paper.

Don't worry, Mom. I'm sure he'll adapt.

Although he still does call the remote the “clicker.”

AM yeah.

I'm bored, Daddy. Make the car dance.

All right. But just for a second, all right?

Yay! Yay!

Do it again. No. Once was enough.

If I can't have a brother, then I want the car to dance.

Wow, you are really comfortable playing that card.

Hey.

They wouldn't take 'em.

They were afraid they might have bedbugs.

Are you serious? They rejected our donation?

I was so offended, I almost didn't buy this Fiestaware creamer.

Two bucks. Didn't know what they had.

Ah! Score.

So what are we gonna do now?

Get a kitten and then name it Larry.

Lily, honey, this is hardly the day to get a kitten, okay?

- Would you just tell her? - I don't know.

I kinda want one now.

You know, we have been through a lot, and maybe...

the presence of a cuddly little friend will help us ease the pain.

Okay, so what you're saying is you have a child-shaped hole in your heart,

and your plan is to cram a cat into there?

He has a name.

I can't wait till your eyes adjust to the light...

and we see the look on your face. I hate you guys.

Hey, Phil, you ever think about growing a beard? I mean, you got the face for it.

You think? Yeah.

That's funny. I always thought so, but my wife doesn't.

Oh, what does she know? Come on. You got a great nose, those deep-set eyes.

I mean, you would look good. Thanks, Shorty.

That's, uh-Sort of a Jon Hamm in between projects.

Okay, put me back in the trunk.

Relax. You're almost there. Nope. I'm done now!

Hey, no! Jay, no!

Hey! Jay! Whoa!

Jay! Jay! Son of a bitch! Somebody help me!

I would, but-but these pants are cashmere!

I got you, Jay!

You gotta calm him down.

Punch him in the head. Don't punch him in the head.

Don't make me punch you! I will punch you to save you! I think I'm being waterboarded.

You're making me do this!

Ow!

Get this thing off of me!

Happy birthday. We're taking you fishing.

For whatever it's worth, Dylan was very responsible last night.

He's a good guy to have around the house.

Hmm. Where are we going with this?

Well, since I can't move in with him anymore, he can't afford his apartment.

So I was wondering if it would be okay...

if he could stay with us for a couple weeks?

Sure. Oh, you know what? Why don't you guys take our room?

Aw!

She's being facetious.

Sarcastic.

Dylan no stay.

What? Oh, come on!

He'd help out a lot. He's very handy.

Really? The guy who locked himself in his car?

You are in no position to be asking for favors, young lady.