The Roast of Kevin Hart

Live from the Netflix is a Joke Festival, welcome to A Really Bad Idea.

It's The Roast of Kevin Hart.

And Philly is definitely in the house.

Please welcome the roundest thing on tires, Shane Gillis.

Welcome to The Roast of Kevin Hart, live in Los Angeles,

where we're… Yeah.

Where we're here to celebrate a guy we used to like

in a city that was once important.

Kevin will be out in a minute.

I'm sure he's backstage fucking shadowboxing,

or doing a group prayer or whatever the fuck he does.

I'm your extremely white host, Shane Gillis.

Yeah.

White hosts, yeah. Big applause, all right.

I'd, uh… I'd just like to thank Netflix for choosing me

to host this celebration of Black excellence.

Look, I'm not saying there's a lot of Black people here tonight,

but backstage a production assistant asked me

what color drank I want in my dressing room.

Chose purple.

I'm gonna be setting the tone, but to help us with the rhythm,

please welcome Philadelphia's own, the legendary,

Grammy Award winning, The Roots.

Welcome, everyone, to The Roast of Kevin Hart.

Yeah

Yeah

Kev, we about to roast your ass.

Yeah, yeah, L.A.

The world

I'm the kind of brother

Who can do it in my way

Getting my bread for years In my career

And every lover, y'all

In and out my life, I've hit, love And left in tears without a care

-Until I met this girl… -Met this girl…

How you doing?

-Who turned the tables around -Tables around

She caught me by surprise and I

Never thought I'd be the one breaking down

What up, baby?

Yeah, yeah

-I can't figure it out, I'm so -Caught up

-Got me feelin' it -Caught up

I don't know what it is But it seems she's got me twisted

-I'm so -Caught up

-Got me feelin' it -Caught up

I'm losing control, this girl's gotta…

Yeah

Oh

Let's welcome… Let's welcome Kevin Hart.

Kevin Hart.

Yeah! What I'd tell you?

Yeah!

Yes!

-Yeah! Yeah! -I don't understand.

Why?

See, it's burning me to hold on to this.

I know this is somethin' I gotta do,

but I don't know why you chose to do this.

What you about to do?

You see, your friends stand with you at your best.

-What? -But tonight,

I'm gonna need you to have a seat, 'cause we gonna talk about your worst.

-You gonna go with that? Okay. -That's right, Kevin.

-It's time to let it burn. -Go ahead, go ahead.

It's gon' burn for me to say this But it's comin' from my heart

Said I watched your last stand up And not a single funny part

I really hoped you'd work it out But the soul had left the plane

No matter the script Every role you take, it feels the same

-What the fuck are you doing? -Tell me why

I should stay in this great friendship? 'Cause we ain't laughin', Kevin

It keeps happenin', Kevin

Plus, Netflix ain't always Gonna take that bail shit bullshit

I think that you should

Watchin' Kevin Ain't the same for nobody

-What the fuck are you doing? -When they go to commercial

Had to do a roast 'Cause them jokes ain't crackin'

Like they used to Look at what money does to you

-Yeah! -Let it burn, let it burn

Deep down you know you cooked And we 'bout to roast you

Startin' with them baby slacks And baby shoes

Yeah, you know that you blowing When your movies do too

-Let it burn -Let it burn

Brake it down

-You son of a bitch. -Loser

Can you feel it burning

Okay. All right. Okay.

You got some fucking balls on you, Usher.

Hey, this just the beginning, dawg.

-You got some fucking balls on you, man. -Yeah.

I said, come out here and set this shit off for me.

Let's have a good fucking time.

You come out here and do a song I've never heard.

You can go fuck yourself for all I care.

Come on, man. That's it.

Let's do it big one time. Come on, Kev.

What the fuck you going to do with those?

What the fuck you about to do with those?

I mean, you know, it's…

Usher, if you don't get them cherries, the fuck out my face.

Get them fucking cherries out my goddamn face, man.

Get your ass off the stage, man.

-No, get off the fucking stage. -Hey, hey, listen.

Congratulations. Good luck. You gonna need it, buddy.

Yeah, yeah, you know what, Usher? Fuck you. How about that?

Fuck you, Usher.

You can take whatever friendship we had and throw it in the trash.

Y'all make sure y'all go see my guy on tour.

He's doing a stadium tour. Go get your fucking tickets.

That's my brother.

What's going on, Los Angeles? Make some goddamn noise in this bitch tonight.

Oh-ho.

I want to welcome y'all to the roast of him, of that nigga, me.

That's right, Kevin Hart.

We are about to have a good goddamn time tonight, guys.

And you know what I love to do? I love to fucking set the tone.

I love to make sure that the people

inside the room are possessed with the energy

that we need so that we can have a good fucking time.

So I'm gonna ask you again,

are y'all ready to have a good fucking time tonight?

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm gonna tell you right now,

this is gonna be way better than the Tom Brady roast.

Way better.

Way better.

The reason why is because I'm not a bitch.

Tom is a bitch.

Tom sat there the whole time with the fucking white man face.

Went on radio stations after that.

"Why'd they say that about me? I can't believe…"

Shut the fuck up, Tom!

He was a bitch. Roots, was Tom a bitch?

-Yeah. -Yeah, goddamn right he was.

He was a fucking bitch.

I ain't no bitch! You bring whatever it is that you got,

I could give two fucks. You go and say what you want to say. Say it.

I don't give a shit at the end of the day.

I'm Kevin motherfucking Hart.

I'm the man up in this bitch. Yeah! Yeah!

Y'all know what I'm talking about?

That's right, Los Angeles.

Jesus do you ever shut the fuck up?

Have you even left the forum?

Or have you just been here screaming into that mic the last two years

waiting for Daddy to come home?

Well, unlike your real dad, I actually showed up.

Oh, you son of a bitch. You son of a bitch.

-And I brought you a jersey. -Oh, you son-- Gimme--

-Give me that fucking jersey. -That's newborn size.

-Yeah, fucking jersey. -Does that fit you?

-Give me the fucking jersey. -All right, sit down.

Fucking hobbit.

All right, this won't take long, 'cause as you guys know, I'm a busy man.

But I do have a few words for you

before I return to my affairs in Las Vegas.

Oh, wait.

I'm talking about affairs in Las Vegas. Was that off?

Not supposed to talk about affairs in Vegas?

Think I broke another rule.

Fuck it, I talked about it.

So what was it that you were screaming at my bros?

"Time to get comfortable being uncomfortable."

You at that podium.

Those were your words, Kevin.

Who's squirming in that little high chair now, bitch?

Put a pillow underneath, it'd make you look taller.

And, Kevin, what the fuck have you done to my roast?

Seriously, I played in the NFL for 23 seasons,

but I've never seen anyone drop the ball like this.

How did the GOAT roast go from me to you?

I won seven Super Bowls.

Kevin has been in two Ride Along movies.

I've won five Super Bowl MVP awards.

Kevin, you're the third most famous person in Jumanji.

That was a good movie though.

And look at this pathetic dais.

I guess it wouldn't be a Kevin Hart project

if it wasn't a shitty sequel.

You've got Sheryl Underwood.

Big Jay Oakerson.

Na'im Lynn.

Who the fuck are these people?

And how did they get here? I thought they shut down Spirit Airlines.

That's good, that's good.

And what happened to Nikki Glaser? She looks like shit.

Oh, my bad, sorry, Chelsea.

Draymond Green is here.

Yeah.

Draymond's here.

For now.

He'll probably get thrown out in the next ten minutes.

You know we're not roasting Steve Kerr, right?

And it looks like we actually have some real Eagles fans here.

Yeah.

Not like Kevin, who only shows up

at the big games when the Eagles are playing well.

You know, Kev, we actually have a name for those people.

They're called Cowboys fans.

And when I run into Eagles fans,