Disjointed

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Carter, I'm really glad you decided to talk to somebody.

So, tell me what's been going on.

Uh...

Not much.

[Trixie Smith's "Jack, I'm Mellow" playing]

Mom?

Who's there?

The person who calls you "Mom."

All right, your story checks out.

What are you doing?

If you were me, where would you hide this cash

so nobody could find it except future me?

And keep in mind, future me will be stoned.

What about the safe?

Oh-ho. The safe is full of Snapple.

Sweet stash.

You've even got Peach Mangosteen?

Oh, yeah. Me and the mangosteens go way back.

Well, where do you usually put your money?

- The secret safe? - Yeah...

Who told you about the secret safe?

Mom. You overshare when you're high.

Listen,

I know banks aren't an option for people in the marijuana industry,

but there's gotta be something better

than hiding cash all over your office.

Look, you know, you may have a master's in business administration,

but I happen to have a PhD in making it rain.

Okay. Okay, that was pretty cool.

But, Mom, I'm gonna explore some other cash management options.

Maybe you should diversify a little bit.

I am diversified.

Come on, what do you want?

I got, uh, euros, pesos, gold coins.

And my Beanie Babies!

That's very interesting, Sadie.

Tell me more about photosynthesis.

Well... it tickles.

- Yeah, it totally does. - Yeah.

Oh, God. That's adorable.

Hey, Pete. Still batshit crazy, huh?

Is that Jenny?

Can you ask her for more tea?

Jenny, the girls are asking about your tea again.

Yeah, well tell the girls they aren't getting any tea.

Because I get it from my mom and my mom hasn't spoken to me for weeks.

I can't imagine not talking to my girls for that long.

Really?

What're you gonna do after you cut them, hang them

and sell them to strangers to get high?

- Who's gonna get cut down? - No one, Coco. No one.

Jenny was telling me about another group

of marijuana plants that got cut down

in, uh, Canada.

Ah. Sounds plausible.

Pete, you're really worrying me.

You know it's time.

They're ready to be harvested.

Harvested?

Pay her no mind, she lies to her mother.

Hey, what I tell my parents is none of their business.

You'd never harvest us, would you, Daddy?

Of course... Of course not.

We're family.

Oh, yay!

- Hey, Carter. - Hey.

What do you got there?

These are my nana's fudge swirls.

They look like shit.

No. What do you mean? They're delicious.

Yeah, yeah, maybe, but, um...

But they look like actual piles of poop.

No they... No, they don't.

Hey, Travis, come check out Olivia's nana's shitballs.

They're not shitballs, they're fudge swirls.

- They look like shit. - Right?

- They don't smell like shit. - Because they're not shit.

Oh, my God. Your nana's shitballs are amazing.

Wow! Wow!

- But please stop calling them that. - Y'all talking shitballs?

Oh!

- Ha-ha-ha. Count us in. - Oh, yeah.

- Count us all the way in. - They're fudge swirls.

And, yes, you may have some.

Goodness gracious, these are great balls of shit!

Yeah, I'm getting a subtle hint of Madagascar single bean chocolate.

Yeah, with some cardamom and nutmeg.

- Toasted nutmeg. - Yeah, you gotta toast that shit.

That's amazing. How did you guys know that?

Well, Olivia, this is not our first shitball.

But wait, what's that, um...

What's that thing I'm not tasting on the back of my palate?

You're right. There's a strong absence of something.

Well, there's no pot in them.

- - Motherfucker!

- You have to warn a person. - Yeah.

Man, what if this was a children's birthday party?

And I ate three of them. And the next thing you know, I'm not high!

You guys, I am... I am so sorry.

"Sorry" doesn't get me stoned, does it?

- Does it? It doesn't! - No.

- They called "baked goods" for a reason! - Yeah!

Because they're good!

Think of the children!

- Why did we come here? - I don't know!

Well, you know, I bet if we put weed in these, we could sell them.

Yeah, they already have a catchy name.

Nana's Fudge Swirls?

I think we're gonna stick with Shitballs.

Daddy.

Shh! Go back to sleep.

What are you holding?

Oh. These?

These are my love scissors.

Oh! Are we getting our first haircut?

Yay! Haircut.

I want bangs.

Katy Perry bangs.

I want a bob.

Oh, God, I'm a monster!

Ho, ho, ho!

"Merry-juana," one and all!

Welcome to Dank and Dabby's "Every Day

is Christmas Christmas Spectacular."

Yeah. Because every day is Christmas

when you're high in a parking lot.

We're in front of Ruth's Alternative Caring.

And look at all the fans that came to see us today.

- Thanks for showing up, guys. - Yeah.

Man, they're all excited and energetic, moving around,

it's like they're trying too damn hard.

- Oh, yeah. - You know?

Yeah, the real fans are you guys at home

who are too stoned to come down and see us.

Hell yeah, matter of fact, the realest fan

would be too stoned to even watch this.

So, if you're watching right now, fuck you, lightweight.

- Yeah, fuck you! - Fuck you right in the face!

- I'm so hot. - Oh, I'm so hot, too.

- We can't! Not now. - We cannot do this now.

- Oh, shit! - What?

Travis gave us a list of, like, stuff we're supposed to mention.

- Right. List. List. Listerine. - Okay.

Listerine, antiseptic tank you very much.

Ha! Got it.

- You're so smart. - All right.

"Mention high quality products."

Okay. We could find a spot to squeeze that in.

Yeah.

"Address and phone number."

Oh! Ruth has both of those.

So Google that.

Uh, "Don't get too crazy, i.e., smoking in parking lot."

You think I.E. stands for something?

I think, "Make sure to"?

Mmm... Nailed it!

Yeah, we did.

And now it's time for Santa Dank and Dabby Claus

to give out joints to all the good boys and girls.

- Yeah. - Follow us.

Ho, ho, ho!

- Hey, there you go, little boy. - Free weed?

Looks like I picked the right day to sneak out of rehab.

Yeah!

Jesus Bruce Lee Christ, what the hell is going on here, huh?

Hello, angry karate girl.

Welcome to Dank and Dabby's Christmas

is Christmas is Christmas Spectacular.

- Yeah! - Yeah.

- Would you like to sit on our laps? - I'd like to sit on your faces.

Wow. Slow down, dude.

We'll get there.

What did I tell you about snurfing blounts

and dropping spliefers in the parking lot?

- Uh... To. - Yeah.

No! Not to!

- I always forget the "not". - Yeah.

You two hemped-out burn pots have made two very big mistakes.

Sonny and Cher.

- Oh, I love them. - No drugs. No drugs.

- Dude! - No!

- Yeah. - Not cool, Fuck Norris.

- Get him, Dabs! - Turn that camera...

- Yeah! - Oh shit!

Who's sitting on whose face now?

Okay, as promised,

I've been looking into some creative ways for us to store our money.

Are we gonna bury it in a cemetery?

What are we, pirates?

- Uh, well... - Are you open to it?

- Because now I really wanna be a pirate. - Okay, Mom.

Okay, just... Just hear me out here. We're not burying anything.

What I wanna do is buy cemetery plots with our cash.

Then, any time we want, we can sell it back for the same price.

It's a completely liquid asset.

I talked to the guys here.

There's plenty of plots available to purchase.

You just have to tell them you're Armenian.

Well, I guess I could be Ruth Whitefeather Feldmounian.