Disjointed

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Mark my words: Ross and Rachel will get together.

My favorite is Joey. He makes me laugh!

"How you doing?"

Jenny, come here.

Motherwort for your focus,

creeping lobelia for your vitality,

and wolfberry for that sweet wolfberry taste!!!

Mommy, that one looks like the bad stuff

the policeman showed us in class:

marijuana.

Mei Mei!

Flee from marijuana.

It saps your vigor and transforms you into a skateboard vagrant!

Grow up drug-free and proud

like such female Chinese-American role models

as figure-skating star Michelle Kwan,

Vietnam Memorial architect Maya Lin,

and The Single Guy co-star

Ming-Na Wen!

Jenny.

Your mother is right.

Marijuana has no benefits,

unlike this meticulously curated selection of plants,

brambles, and forest litter.

Jenny, I make you this vow:

as long as I am alive, you will never go lacking for this tea.

Or the filtered water required to bring it to life.

And she still sends you this tea every week?

Yeah. Along with reassuring notes.

"If you stop drinking this, you will be a failure

and age like a white woman."

You wanna try some? It's got fresh wolfberry.

I'll take a shot.

Mm. Mm, mm.

Tastes like... pigs' nuts.

Yeah, that's in there, too.

Ruth, you done good.

The store is hopping, you got a spring in your step,

you got a Caesar salad in the fridge.

Time to spread the joy that is me.

Hey, Carter. What you doing?

Oh, sorry, I didn't think that loud enough.

What you doing?

- Uh, word find. - Cool.

"Finland." Right there, backward diagonal.

What?

All due respect, ma'am, if a man can't find his own words,

he can't find himself.

"Himself," right there!

What you smoking?

Skywalker OG.

He's tried a bunch of different indica-dominant hybrids

- and dosages over the last week or so... - Jenny.

I know, I'm not a doctor, I'm a quitter and a liar.

Seeing as how you're a word guy, you ever dabble with Scrabble?

Oh! Why, yes, Ruth, I've played a few miles of tiles.

So, I assume you know all the allowable two-letter words.

- I do. - Even the four new ones?

- Da, gi, po, te. - Da, gi, po, te.

Oh, it is on.

Let's dance, motherfucker.

Jesus.

Is it dead?

I'm afraid so.

Ugh... Oh, God.

- Oh, God. - No. No, it's okay.

- No. - Don't be sad.

She was old, it was her time.

It's okay. Plus, you can tell from her teats, she had a lot of pups.

Uh-huh. Excuse me. Just back up.

How do you think it got in the tank?

It must've squeezed in this tiny hole.

Rat fun-fact number 26:

A full-grown adult can squeeze through the hole in a Nigerian penny.

There's a hole in a Nigerian penny?

You don't know that? What... ? What kind of homeschool did you go to?

I went to a public school.

Oh.

I've heard about kids like you.

Breaks my heart. But you came out good, though.

Well, I should clean this. This is the water the plants drink.

I'll do it.

- You sure? - Yeah, I actually like cleaning.

Olivia fun fact number 32:

I used to vacuum every night to drown out the sound

of my mom and my step-dad fighting.

I found out later they fought just so I'd clean.

Oh, those meth-addled bastards.

Okay, I'll just go bury the dead rat.

Pete, it's a dead rat. You're gonna put it in the dumpster.

Good idea. Closed casket. Much more respectful.

Check her out, Maria.

A Deluxe Edition signed by none other

than Scrabble inventor Alfred Butts himself.

Ain't she a beaut?

I didn't know Scrabble boards were "shes."

Oh, yeah, like ships, hurricanes, and God.

I'm warning you...

this will get intense.

Given our backgrounds,

I feel like you and I have different definitions of "intense."

I'm just saying, she's really vicious.

I mean, I've never beaten her, and I'm pretty good.

What's your style? You play for bingos or triple words?

No. I play for fun.

Well, then, pretty good is all you'll ever be.

Okay, we're all set up. Travis, pull up a chair, you're in, too.

Ha. No, I'm not.

I'm gonna spend my time running our business.

You're not gonna goad me into playing like you usually do.

I see.

Uh, one quick question:

The chicken thing? Mom, you're a grownup.

You're a revered political activist.

Aw...

What is wrong with you? You're the President Emeritus

of the California Bar Association?

Ah. You mean the California Bawk Association?

And you're my mother.

That's very true.

And you're my daughter.

Yeah, okay. Strap on my sports bra. I'm in.

Hi, welcome to Strain o' the Day.

Today, we're featuring either the best weed you've ever smoked...

or nothing.

Behold, the paradox that is Schrödinger's Pot.

In this box is an eighth of top-shelf cannabis and a vial of water

with a 50-percent chance of spilling, rendering the pot unsmokeable.

Meaning that, according to the laws of quantum mechanics,

Schrödinger's Pot, as of this moment,

both is and is not ready to fuck you up.

But once you open the box, quantum decoherence kicks in,

and you'll have either paradigm-shifting weed

or a wet bag of worthless shit.

No matter what, you'll get high

just trying to wrap your head around this

pretentious marketing idea he came up with.

Excuse me for not trying to say that pot's not just for stupid people.

So, come on down to Ruth's Alternative Caring

because when it comes to reality,

- there are many alternatives. - There are many alternatives.

All right, I have to know.

- - Wow.

Schrödinger, you son of a bitch.

- Okay, let's... What? - Nope, nope. Wait for the flyover.

Pssh...

Now to see who goes first, the ceremonial drawing of the tiles.

Nuh-uh, you know the rules.

Above eye level.

Scrabble is so much weirder than I thought!

Damn it. M.

- F. - Blank. I go first.

- Nope, I go first. - No, blank can be any letter.

Yeah, I know, and I'm calling it Z.

Let's get ready to Scrabble!

Fare thee well, sweet rat...

who we remember as a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother,

a great-great-grandmother... You get the idea.

Jesus, it smells like a joint took a shit and smoked it.

Hey, Douglas. Sorry about the smell.

We found a dead rat in our water tank.

Well, I'm not surprised.

Yet another death by marijuana overdose.

Where's Ruth?

She's inside.

- Do you want me to get her? - No. No.

But you can get this.

You can tell her that in response to my complaint to the landlord,

he referred me to his property manager, Gary,

with whom I will be meeting with no later than next Wednesday,

possibly sooner, depending on Gary's availability.

Okay. I'll let her know.

Now get rid of that stink.

Junkie hookers work back here, okay?

You know, if the smell gets into your dojang,

I recommend a lemon-verbena candle. I can bring one over if you like.

Oh, yes!

Oh, I would love that!

Please come over with a lemon-verbena candle.

Why should I be suspicious of anyone who works for Ruth

and hangs around all day snurfing darbs and vaping the reef?

Okay, so I'll swing by on my break.

Oh, fantastic. I can't wait to see you.

- Probably 4, 4:30. - Super!

After strong opening moves by Carter and Ruth,

young Travis now finds himself alone,

trembling in the harsh glare of the pressure...

and stuff.

Can we lose the color commentary?

You should be glad they're covering women's sports at all.

I'm serving y'all quinoa.

Seventeen plus four plus five, that is 26.

You could've just put the Q on the triple letter

and made "qi" and "qi" for 65. What the... ? What the... ?

Okay, whatever. "Quinoa" is a cooler word.

Oh? Quinoa's cool? Yeah.

Over-cultivation displaced millions of Peruvians.

But what the fuck? It's cool.

You should always play "qi" when you can.