Archer

So if you want paper towels in there,

you'll just have to supply your own.

Where do you get paper towels?

And, last item, on a related note, I have no choice but to cut salaries.

Eight percent, across the board!

And let's just put a lid on it!

Do we have to supply our own lids?

Look, I didn't invent the economy!

And until Isis gets in the black, we all have to make some

sacrifices, so... Line one for you.

It's your furrier.

Unbelievable!

We have to cut back but you're buying new horseshoes?

Tell him to send over the gray fox.

See? Sacrifice.

At this rate I'll be reduced to wearing nutria.

On your horse with his fancy new shoes.

Oh for the... That's a farrier!

I know.

And this... Is Konrad Schlotz.

Herr Schlotz controls all of Europe's Videotex services.

Videotex?

Wow, growth industry... So he's worth billions.

And I want to convince him to invest in Isis.

Well that's gonna be a tough sell...

We've posted losses for fifteen straight quarters, so...

So that's why you're going to cook up a different set of books, Cyril.

Ooh no, I'm not comfortable with that.

Think you'd be more comfortable on another little vacation?

Upstairs?

No, I was dating Lana but since I suffer from sexual addiction,

which these quacks deny is even real,

now they're treating me for... Can somebody!

Please!

Shut up that damn coyote?

Clormatrazapam?

No. No I would not.

So unless you want me send you back... I will start cooking the books.

Good thing you know how to cheat.

Hey, ya know what? Enough!

Now then, this is a two-prong operation.

The books are prong one, while prong two is El Frente Rojo.

Derby day, wore that exact same hat.

Shock!

Herr Schlotz fears they may attempt a kidnapping during

a birthday party he's throwing this weekend in Gstaad...

Ach, Gstaad!

- Oh yeah, count me in! - And me out.

I'm not getting frostbite protecting some old German guy.

Herr Schlotz isn't the intended victim.

It's his daughter, Anka... Who obviously needs

someone on her constantly, and so I will be that someone,

who is constantly on her!

For God's sake, Sterling, she's turning seventeen!

Oh, eww! Sorry, even for you Archer...

C'mon, she doesn't look like she's just turning seventeen!

No, she looks like she's just turning eighteen.

Exactly.

Plus Europeans use the metric system, which...

Sterling Malory Archer, you will not touch a single hair on that girl.

I... See? How I just let that go by?

Look at me.

I'm the perfect gentleman.

No. This is completely unacceptable.

Cutbacks, I get it, but you cannot expect me to

share a room with Ray.

Aw, I'll be gentle... Mother! You know what he's implying, right?

Stop whining, we're all making do.

Why, I'm sharing a room with Lana... Hooray...

And Pam's sleeping in the cellar.

Yeah, and if money's so damn tight, why is she even here?

Eh, she's making me mule back a buncha this crap...

That "crap" is three hundred dollars a bottle,

and you can't get it in America, so not another sip!

And the rest of you, make room in your luggage for

ten liters apiece.

Unbelievable... I know, what kind of limit is that?

Ah gut, you are here, Frau Archer!

Ah ah ah!

It's Fraulein Archer!

She added, desperately... And these are my top agents,

who are ready to lay down their lives to protect your, um...

Lovely daughter.

Let's hope it doesn't come to that... Ja, but if it does...

Let's hope not.

You must protect my princess.

Anka is all I have in the world since her mother passed away.

Oh, you poor thing.

- You're a widower? - Oh, like you didn't KNOW!

No! No!

- What is wrong with you? - Did no one just see that?

Jumpy, eh? Truly, *** has not frightened the famous Sterling Archer.

No, she does!

- My Anka? What do you mean? - Oh, right!

Yeah, Archer, Anka is dirty sexy.

- What? - Sterling!

She is only 16!

- I... - Oh, schwein!

No, I know! I'm not.

- Don't come near her again. - Come on!

And the rest of you, get to work.

Come, Anka!

Oh, hell, I hope you're happy.

No, I'm not, mother.

I just got fingered.

You know, that is just... ewwh.

Just thanks a lot, Bitch and Sundance.

- What? - What?

What what? Didn't you see that?

I saw you totally, eye-banged a teenager.

No you didn't, because I wasn't!

- Whatever. - Go, wash up, dirty bird.

- I wasn't eye-banging her. - Man, I was.

What? Geez, I'm only human!

Are you?

Ay, that stinks.

So don't smell it, don't smell it.

Another perfect example of your reductive reasoning!

Basta, queridos!

Que es esto?

He started it.

Can't I leave you two alone for even one hour without you going at it?

I should have asked myself the same thing about you two...

Meaning what?

Meaning you left me for my brother!

Your twin brother.

So obviously I still find you very attractive.

And I have good news!

Even though Sterling Archer is here in Gstaad...

Archer?! Ay, dios mio!

It won't be a problem to kidnap that bourgeois perrita.

Her father has forbidden Archer to go near her!

So then we go with my plan.

Your plan stinks more than that cheese.

I think that smell is them.

But even they smell better than your stupid plan.

We go with my plan.

Fine.

You don't want the world's greatest secret agent on the case?

Fine!

You want little countess Von Fingerbang to get kidnapped?

Fine!

Oh oh oh, and as for you, Ray...!

Sterling Archer may be many things, but he's not... Fine?

Oh, I think he is very fine... Hey no no, Anka,

you can't be in here!

Anka? Mr. Archer, how familiar you are.

You must address me by title... Countess Von Fingerbang.

Noooope!

C'mon Anka, seriously, you seriously gotta get outta

here before... Shit! Before the cops show up, or... Wait,

what do you have in Switzerland, some kinda pikemen?

I don't know... I am from Germany.

Where the age of consent is fourteen.

What is it, the Alabama of Europe?

In many ways yes, but... We can talk about that in bed.

No we can't!

Seriously you have to... Hand over the girl, cochino!

And that is just it for today, on people calling me a frickin pig!

Holy shit, did you see that?

I saw you save my life!

No, I... Well maybe a little, and I know just how to repay you!

Wait no no no!

Bad touch, bad touch!

You... schwein!

So, does this look as bad as it looks?

I will let the gendarmes decide that!

Oh, so they're not pikemen... Wait! Anka, tell your father what happened.

Papa, he lured me. And then he tried to touch me with his...

Wilhelm!

No, I saved her life!

Look, I set a kidnapper on fire!

Tell it to the gendarmes!

Schwein!

Oh c'mon, did you not just see that?

Sterling, you promised!

And yet here you stand, as a fortune walks away,

with your wedding tackle stuffed into your shaving kit!

"Schwein."

Doesn't even touch it.

Yeah? Well neither did I, mother! I saved her life!

Go ask that dick I set on fire!

And speaking of, that bay rum really burns on the owww!

Hello, razor!

Welcome to the party!

you, Switzerland.

You're damn lucky Anka convinced her father

not to press charges.

Yeah, I feel lucky. Let's see, sexually assaulted by a teenage sociopath,

interrogated by gendarmes.

- Oh, three stitches on my penis. - Uh.

So... yeah, it's all breaking my way!

Well just stay of my way.

I have to convince Schlotz to get in bed with Isis.

And failing that, in bed with... Don't! Say it.

I'm in enough pain.

Yeah, the entire hotel's talking about your little shaving accident.

Hooray... And if you wanna get Schlotz into you... Phrasing!

You better start eating strudel.

Maaajor chubby chaser... Well, a lot of that's muscle...