Midnight in Paris (Monsieur La Souris)

Midnight in Paris

- Move along! - Yes, officer. Which way?

- Any way you like. Just do it! - I'd rather not.

If I move along, I'll move away from my work.

- Because you're working, eh? - I've never worked so hard.

Is that so?

It isn't easy to pretend to be unemployed.

May I?

- Here. - Thank you, sir.

I'd have given me 20 francs.

There's nothing like work, sir. Goodnight, officer.

Prince, we're here...

Stop fooling around, sir.

Hey...

Don't play that trick on me, eh?

Don't move, stay where you are, I'll be right back.

Emile!

Emile!

What's going on? There...

There, what?

There's a dead man,

a stiff in a morning suit!

- Come off it! - Come off what?

The man's dead. Why would I brag about it?

He's a drunk!

He isn't! I know all about drunks. I specialise in them.

He's dead, done for, gone, departed!

Show me.

Well I never!

Do you know many stiffs who drive cars?

- Well I never! - Your dead man's in good health!

Well I never!

When it comes to drunks, you win hands down.

Well I never!

Evening, Mr Cupid.

What's on tonight's menu?

Tonight I've got...

starter: camembert, fish: camembert,

plat de résistance: camembert, cheese: camembert.

Then if I'm still hungry, I'll have a bit of camembert.

- And you? - Saucisson.

I only like saucisson when I'm in the country.

And it has to be 100% pork.

The way you clean camembert, you'd think we're at the duchess's.

I'm delighted you noticed, Mr Cupid.

You're sickeningly distinguished.

It comes naturally.

As we say in my world, "It's innate."

- Eh? - Innate.

Tough luck!

Say, Mr Cupid...

I would like your advice.

Mind you, I don't really need it

but I'd be interested to know what you would do.

Don't get ideas though. It's just because we're chatting.

What would you do if you happened

to find a wallet?

You've found a wallet?

No! Do I look like someone who's found a wallet?

Look like? That doesn't mean anything.

I found one 2 years ago.

No one looked less like it.

Did you keep it?

What a question! Of course I kept it.

I won't be fooled twice.

You've lost me.

It's very simple.

Six months before that, I'd wanted to be honest.

I found a wallet with 200 francs in it.

As I was seen picking it up, I took it to the police.

I even added 10 francs.

I figured if a man came in for a wallet with 200 francs,

the police would say there was 210 and not give it to him.

But he was given it, and my 10 francs too.

So I'm done with honesty.

Now when I find one, I keep it.

I feel bad but...

I keep it anyway.

What if the wallet contains 1,000-franc notes?

- You found some? - No! It's hypothetical.

I have a special technique.

1,000-franc notes for skint blokes like us...

it's risky. - What's your technique?

First you ditch the wallet

by stashing it somewhere,

with some of the money. You come back for it later.

I see!

Then you go to the stationer's,

buy a plain envelope,

put the rest of the money in it

and take it to the police.

How dishonest!

And most importantly,

if you found the wallet in Saint Michel,

say it was Montmartre. - How dishonest!

The police won't give a bloke,

who says he lost a wallet in Saint Michel,

with 100,000 francs in it,

an envelope containing 90,000 found in Montmartre.

Or there's no justice in the world.

How dishonest!

After a year and a day,

you can claim your cash at the station

and even use the wallet.

You are dishonest!

Aren't you eating tonight?

No, I'm not hungry. I'll meet you at home later.

That's so dishonest!

But it's bloody clever too.

I'll have a drink afterwards.

All right, sir.

What's this?

A photograph.

Can't you hurry up?

Wednesday...

June 23, at 10:50 at night.

10:50pm.

On the escalator at Jules Joffrin metro station,

I, Antonin Ramatuel,

known as Mr Mouse,

aged 65,

born in Salon-de-Provence, Bouches-du-Rhône,

found a manila envelope.

Did you now?

I wonder if this isn't a matter for the Superintendent.

What do you think, Inspector?

Carry on. Make sure you list every item.

Any previous convictions?

- No. His record is clean. - Yes, it's squeaky clean.

Two 1,000-dollar notes.

Two 1,000-florin notes.

That's 110,000 francs at today's exchange rate.

And... four 5,000-franc notes.

That makes exactly 130,000 or so francs,

as I already told you.

Did you really find it on the metro escalator?

Yes. Officer 134 saw me pick it up.

- Is that true? - Yes, sir.

He was picking it up as I passed and asked me to witness it.

You find envelopes under officers' noses?

- You're a lucky man. - Indeed I am!

- What should I do? - Give me a receipt.

In a year and a day,

if no one's claimed the money, I'll be a capitalist.

Not if we discover things about you.

What sort of things?

I can understand you can't stand me.

I said you were a real sourpuss and I was wrong to.

I said you had a mean mug and I was wrong to.

I said if you had children they would make lovely bulldogs

and I was wrong to.

But for you to suspect me because I hand in a wall...

an envelope containing 130,000 francs,

it's enough to put me off being honest.

It's a camembert.

Close it before it runs away!

Take off your shoes!

Why ask me to remove them to question me?

I'm more honest barefoot, eh?

But I'm happy to oblige.

May I, madam?

Nothing in my shoes or in my pockets.

Thank you, Mr Lognon.

Thank you, madam?

How unfortunate to have 130,000 francs

and not a penny for a bottle of wine!

Get out!

- But we'll meet again. - Alas!

On June 24 next year at 10:50pm, I'll be here.

Goodbye, Mr Lognon. My regards to you.

DEMOLITION COMPANY

Flowers of love

Spring does beautiful things

As it's nicknamed velvety skin...

Don't you think you're cheerful of late?

I do indeed.

Have you come into an inheritance?

You know, money can't buy happiness.

Shut the door! There's a draught.

You're such a wimp!

It's raining roses

It's raining roses of love

- What are you doing? - Practising.

- Practising what? - The three-card trick.

What's the three-card trick?

It's a way of making easy money.

You go to a small square on market day,

sit at a terrace and wait for punters.

When a crowd gathers, you say to them,

"Here's how to make a fortune quick."

Works every time.

You show them the ace of hearts, diamonds

and of spades.

Then you say, "Right, find me the ace of spades.

"Find...

"the ace of spades." - That's easy!

So everyone thinks.

- Look at the ace of spades. - OK.

Where is it now?

It's there!