How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying

Dear reader, this little book is designed to explain

everything you need to know about the science of getting ahead in business.

Your first step is to memorize all the simple rules in the chapters which follow.

If you have education, intelligence and ability, so much the better.

But remember that thousands have reached the top

without any of these qualities.

If you are anxious to rise quickly and easily

to the top of the business world, the time is now.

Strike while the iron is hot. Are you ready?

I'm ready!

Good. You are about to begin your swift and daring rise to the top.

How to choose the right company.

Before applying for a job, make sure the company is a large one.

This is essential.

It should be at least large enough so that

nobody quite knows exactly what the other fellow is doing.

Here! Here! Somebody, here, here! You fellows.

Denver has run out of wickets! Call the World Wide Wicket Factory.

Have them send 50,000 two-toned wickets at once!

Don't argue with me!

Do you want me to have another nervous breakdown?

- Who in the hell is that? - Where the hell is the factory?

What the hell is a wicket?

The right company!

Never mind, never mind!

Leave me alone. I'm all right. Everybody back to work.

Come on. Back to work. Back to work!

Did you hear me? I said everybody back to work!

Sorry that I bumped into you, sir, but I'd like to apply for a job.

- A job? Do you know who I am? - No, sir, I...

I'm J.B. Biggley, the president of this company. That's who I am.

- In fact, that's who the hell I am. - Oh, my.

How dare you come to the president of the company and ask for a job!

Why do you think I have a personnel man?

Why do you think I have a whole damn personnel department?

Son, you bumped into the wrong man.

Damn, damn, coal-burning, dithering, ding, ding, ding.

Ding, ding, ding, ding-

You just committed industrial suicide, boy. That's the big fellow.

- Hello. - Hello.

Did you hurt yourself when you fell down?

No, no. I'm all right.

- I know how hard it is to... - What?

I said I know how hard it is to find a job.

I've been through that kind of thing myself.

Well, thank you, you're very kind.

Could you tell me where the personnel office is?

- Personnel? - Yes.

- Well, it's right there. - Thank you.

Well, listen!

- What? - You mean, you're not discouraged?

Oh, no, not at all. I'm prepared for exactly this sort of thing.

Say, my friend Smitty works in personnel.

Maybe she can help you.

- She's around somewhere. I'll find her. - No!

- Wait right there. - That's not necessary.

- Please! - You don't have to go through...

Where do you think you're going?

Just to see the personnel manager.

I'm the personnel manager. We're not hiring anyone.

Well, I was just speaking to Mr. Biggley.

- Biggley? - Yes, sir.

- J.B. Biggley? - Yes, sir. He told me to see you.

You were speaking to J.B. Biggley himself?

Yes, sir, I just bumped into him.

He's a friend of yours?

Well, sir, I don't think a man should trade on friendship to get a job.

By George, I like a man who stands on his own two feet.

- My name is Bratt. You're... - Finch, sir. Pierrepont Finch.

Pierrepont. Come in, Pierrepont.

You know, maybe that ought to be J. Pierrepont Finch.

- As a matter of fact, sir, it is. - Oh.

Good gad, Rosemary. You could at least let me finish my Metrecal.

What's the big, urgent urgency?

Oh, he has that woebegone look. A PUPPY DOG-

Well, you could just tell he'll never get anywhere.

I just figured you could introduce him... Well, where'd he go?

- Well, now, how should I know? - Rosemary, what's got into you?

Yeah, wherefore is this creep any different from all other creeps?

He's not a creep!

Smitty, he has a sort of undaunted sort of noble courage.

Yet, deep down, you sense he's a helpless little muffin.

The man in the manhole cover.

That's rich, a good one. Well, it's all settled, then.

Nice to have you aboard, Finch.

Well, I'm happy to ship out with you, sir. Really. You don't have a...

Oh, yes, yes. Let me do that for you.

- Is that the... - Helpless little muffin.

My secretary will fill out the forms. Oh, Smitty?

- Yes, Mr. Bratt? - This is our new Mr. Finch.

- Hello, there. - My name is Pilkington.

- Rosemary Pilkington. - Hello.

Hi. I'm Lucille Krumholtz.

Mr. Finch will be starting out in our mail room.

Glad you don't mind that, Finch.

Oh, sir, in a big pond like this everyone must begin as a little fish.

- Even a barracuda. - What'd you say?

Say, Bud. Have you guys in the mail room sent out those new wicket catalogues yet?

I don't know. I'm going to the barbershop to get a scalp massage.

At this time of the morning? Why?

Because I'm the bosses nephew.

- Excuse me. - Oh, Bud.

This is Bud Frump, Mr. Biggley's nephew.

Say hello to our new Mr. Finch.

He'll be working with you in the mail room.

Hello, Finch. I'm Bud Frump, Mr. Biggley's nephew.

Hello, how do you do?

- Smitty? - Yes, Mr. Bratt?

- Get Mr. Finch's vital statistics. - Yes, Mr. Bratt.

Nice to have you on the team, Finch.

Well, good to be playing with you, sir.

- Are you ambitious, Finch? - No, not necessarily.

Good. You just keep that in mind.

If you just remember who I am and who you are, we'll get along fine. If not...

You'll go crying to your uncle.

I beg your pardon? I do not go crying to my uncle!

It just happens that my mother is Mrs. Biggley's sister.

If I feel that something's wrong, I phone my mother.

She phones Mrs. Biggley, and Mrs. Biggley phones Mr. Biggley.

That's the democratic way.

You don't have to worry about Bud Frump.

Every company has a couple of relatives floating around.

Smitty, you were going to get Mr. Finch's vital statistics.

Oh, yes. Now then, Mr. Finch, the first question is...

- Are you married? - Married? No.

I'm not, and I don't even have a girlfriend.

- Good! - Good.

I mean, it's very good that you answered with the right answer.

- For the questionnaire, that is. - Yes, it is.

- I mean, it's not very wise to have a girl. - No, it isn't.

Well, I'm glad you understand that, Miss Pilkington. Some women wouldn't.

See, I feel that when a man wants to rise in the world of business,

a girl, or well, let's say an emotional involvement,

can only lead to getting involved emotionally.

- What the heck was that? - That's very intelligent, Mr. Finch.

- Are you quite finished with Mr. Finch? - For the moment.

- Irving! - What?

Take Mr. Finch here down to the mail room

and introduce him to Mr. Twimble. You can fill in the personnel forms later.

- Come on, Finch. - Okay.

Oh, well, good luck, Mr. Finch.

Thank you, Miss...

Pilkington. Rosemary Pilkington.

Pilkington. Rosemary Pilkington.

Come on, Finch.

Poor baby. He looks so utterly vulnerable.

They'll eat him alive in this jungle.

- Coffee break! Well, it's about time!

Just take care of the executive mail!

That's all you gotta take care of!

Look, look, don't worry!

I'm doing the very best I can, Mr. Twimble!

Well, don't argue with me! Just get the executive mail out.

- That's all you've got to worry about! Yeah.

Lemon drops? Where did these lemon drops come from?

Oh, they're mine, Mr. Twimble.

I just thought I'd share them with our mail room family.

- But lemon is my favourite drop. - Oh, I'll be darned.

- Finch? - Yes, sir?

I've been watching you this first morning here,

and I'd like to say I'm very pleased with your work.

Well, thank you, sir. That's exceptionally kind of you.

You know, I... Well, I try to fit in.

No, no, it's more than that, Finch.

You have an inborn gift for mailroomery.

Well, thank you... Oh, excuse me, sir.

Hello, mail room. Hold the line.

Mr. Twimble, it's for you. It's Mr. Bratt, in personnel.

This may be a very important call for some of us! Hello?

Good morning, Mr. Bratt! Oh, yes, yes.

- Hey, what's the idea? - What's the idea of what, Bud?

You! You're trying to butter up Mr. Twimble.

Well, believe me, it won't do you any good.

Good gosh, Bud! Just because I'm being nice to an older man...

I know what you're up to, Finch, and if anybody's gonna get his job...

Thank you, Mr. Bratt. Thanks very much.

Well, boys,

it looks as if they're finally gonna promote old Twimble to the shipping department.

- Congratulations. - Yeah, congratulations.

But who's gonna be new head of the mail room?

Mr. Bratt is gonna leave the choice to me.

"Twimble," he said, "the mail room is the nerve centre

"of this mighty organization."

"You've been an outstanding mail room head."

"We want you to choose your successor."

"We want you to choose him on merit. On merit alone."

That's not fair!

I'm going out to have a smoke.

Smoke? He's gonna call his mother. Well, it won't do him any good.

Bratt said I was gonna select the new head of this department.

- Mr. Twimble? - Yeah?

You've been with this company a long time now, haven't you?