The Pickleball Murders

Yo, this is pickleball,

the fastest growing sport in America.

A game that teaches you white folks

how to bounce back from failure

and how to use that mystical seven foot wide area

on either side of the net to your advantage,

which for some reason

two numbed up brothers call "The kitchen."

I mean, really, bitch, you cooking?

Anyway, like I was saying, it's a game,

which teaches you to not pop the goddamn ball up in the air,

but if you do,

well, fortunately it's basically a big ass Wiffle ball,

but tell that to the guy who just ate his dink for lunch,

and has ball marked semi-permanently

indented into his dumb-ass forehead.

But apart from the open play,

there's a much darker underworld brewing

just below the clay tile surface here.

A world in which this inherently fun game

has become much more deadly.

Sounds like a good ass movie I'd watch.

These are "The Pickleball Murders", bitch!

Hello?

Over here.

You got a paddle?

Yeah.

In my bag.

I was just hoping

someone would help me understand what I'm doing here.

You want someone else to help you understand

what you are doing here?

I guess.

Yeah, that sounds stupid when you say it out loud.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's why I said it.

Well, look, I just got this note

telling me to show up here,

and I haven't seen anyone around until I saw you.

My point!

I was not ready.

I didn't know we were... Playing?

Yeah, no, I asked, if you had a paddle?

Are you ready for the spin cycle?

A what?

The spin cycle.

Keep that shit on high.

Oh, totally, I get it.

Oh!

Down the middle solves the riddle.

Totally, nice shot!

- Trish. - Ah, I'm Chaz.

- Bonner, right? - Yeah.

2019 APA Player of the Year?

Trish Lawless.

I saw you playing in Fairfax, you put on some weight.

Oh, I've been eating my feelings.

Yeah, thanks for noticing.

Wait, Trish Lawless as in PPA's Arizona Cup winner?

Oh, I thought I'd recognize that smash.

If it's high, I make him cry.

I got the same letter, by the way.

Yeah, so any idea what we're doing here?

He Kai, He Kai!

Who the hell is this guy?

I have no clue.

Hi there, my name is Chaz, this is Trish.

Can I assume this is your house?

Well, welcome.

Okay, I see, this is his house.

He is probably the guy that sent us the letters.

Okay.

Hey, what does that mean, He Kai?

It means to gain the approval of the audience,

or to be a killer of someone famous.

Well, Lucy translated, of course.

Wow!

That's a big difference.

Hey, I know some Mandarin Chinese myself.

Check this out.

Who you hiding?

Why you munching?

No, nothing.

Okay, just tell us what we're doing here then.

Hey, why don't you just come inside?

The others are already waiting.

Sorry about the mess, cleaning lady died.

Wait, she died?

You know what, sucks to be me, right?

She didn't die in the house, did she?

Well, we are not entirely sure.

You see, no one really found her body yet.

So maybe, who knows?

This place is nice.

Hey, can I get you anything to drink?

Water, soda, Sun AD,

cocaine?

I'm sorry, did you say cocaine?

Cocaine, no, of course, not.

We don't have those stuff here,

unless you really want it.

Water stein.

Yeah, water.

So are you gonna tell us what we're doing here?

Well, pickleball tournament, of course.

- What else? - I'm sorry.

Did you say, a pickleball tournament?

Yeah.

Did you read the letter I sent you?

Yeah, I did, it said nothing about a tournament.

- Are you sure? - Positive.

Look, it says, "Follow your pickleball dreams,

meet here or don't.

Chong."

And there's like a hand-drawn map of some sort.

Shoot, I must have sent you the wrong letter.

My assistant died last week.

English is my second language.

Wait, what?

So is there a prize?

Prize?

Yeah, what do we get if we win?

Oh, shoot, look at the time.

Time for Chong to get changed.

I'll tell you tonight, but what,

let me slip into something more appropriate for the company,

and when I return, all your question will be answered.

Okay?

Good, todos!

Hey, cocaine, still in the fridge.

I don't want any cocaine.

I wanna know what's for dinner?

Ah, yeah, I don't know.

Hmm.

You do get the joke though, right?

Why are you munching?

No, I get it.

Just it's a little racially insensitive.

Oh, please, get outta the kitchen.

Oh, I totally get that.

Stupid!

Ladies and gentlemen, once again,

welcome to my humble abode.

This place is fucking nice!

Do you mind if I ask what has set you back there, Chang?

Maybe it's nicer than your double-wide.

It's Chong.

Huh?

You called him Ching, his name is Chong.

On the line, on the line.

Woo, hmm!

Yeah, one more thing there, Chang,

I don't eat no panda, elephant,

or whatever the fuck you trying to even think

it's funny to watch as blue bloods eat.

Blue?

Get blue.

You think our blood is red, you fucking idiot!

I got two weeks of community college

under this fanny pack, you dick weed!

Gotcha, my apologies.

Do you always smoke at the table?

Yeah, I do.

I fucking fart, I smoke, and I spit,

and if the mood strikes me just right,

I just might bend over and wink at you with my brown eye.

Is that okay with you, darling?

- I'm good. - On the line.

On the line.

Woo, eh, huh, ugh!

You said that already, man!

He's got Tourette's, he can't help it.

Yeah, I got Tourette's too.

Hear ye, hear ye.

Well, I've lost my appetite.

What's up with this guy?

What about him?

Gary Cooper, the strong, silent type.

Oh, don't tell me none of you watched "The Sopranos"?

That's Soft Serve Steve, a man of few words.

He prefer to let his play on the court

to do the talking for him.

I don't know about all you, motherfuckers,

but when I hear the word "Soft Serve",

my mind races elsewhere.

- Here we go. - What?

I can't be the only one thanking it,

you might as well just call him Limp Dick Larry,

Or Phoenix Fred.

Herey-herey-woop!

Or Dingle Foot Dave.

What's a dingle foot?

It's when your toes are shaped like a penis.

Oh!

Totally I knew that.

All right guys, enough!

Why don't you let me explain to you

why I have all of you here today?

As I look around this table,

I see a plethora of pickleball champion: