An Evening With My Comatose Mother

Hello, Mrs. Poe.

I'm not too late, I hope.

No, no, no, not at all.

Come on in.

In fact, Russell always needs a little extra time

to get ready so it's really no big deal.

Can I take that for you?

You have a beautiful home, Mrs. Poe.

Stop with the Mrs. Poe business.

It's Alice, and thank you.

It took Russell and I about 18 months to get it built.

You know how it is in this state!

Russ, come meet Dorothy!

You're the girl that my wife keeps telling me about.

We're really grateful you could come on such short notice.

And all the way from the big city.

Especially during Halloween.

I used to do the naughtiest things on Halloween.

Russell!

Are you eating cereal before we go out?

Yeah!

You know how that pisses me off!

As you might be aware, Dorothy,

we've been invited to a Halloween ball

up at the Governor's Mansion where there'll be lots of

food.

And we're going to be there to all hours of the early

evening. So I see no need in spoiling one's appetite.

It's just cereal.

How about we show Dorothy how to take care of your mother?

- Yeah, I forgot to tell you about my mother.

Anyways, after the kids moved out of the house

we decided to take my mother in.

She's comatose and bedridden.

She's upstairs.

Follow me.

And you, go put on your costume.

Night, Dorothy.

It was a pleasure meeting you.

This is where my mother stays now.

She's 92 years old.

I was the youngest.

I just couldn't leave her in a home.

Mom always loved dolls, especially clowns.

I never really understood that...

And THIS guy.

No matter where Mom was, he was always with her.

Daddy really hated him.

Said it was "too old-fashioned."

Anyway.

You won't have to worry too much about Mother.

Want me to do anything with her?

Check on her, stuff like that?

Yeah, if you could check on her every couple of hours

that would be great.

And if you could check on her "you know what."

And if you will change her if necessary.

We can't be having mother laying in her own mess now.

Isn't that right, Mother?

Okay, Dorothy, let's go!

Shit better be worth 40 bucks an hour.

Stop it, I'm coming!

Thanks again, Dorothy.

We don't get to go out too much these days.

Is there anything else I'm forgetting?

No.

Um, okay, well...

Have fun tonight.

Come on, let's go!

You have fun tonight!

Finally.

So, yeah, basically I'm just here all night,

by myself, scary movie in hand,

just waiting for Johnny to pop on by.

Johnny is so sexy!

I'm so jealous!

Right, so have you guys done it yet?

Wouldn't you like to know?

A girl never reveals her secrets.

- Whatever, I know all your secrets, girl.

Remember that one time that you and that cute boy from

church, Jack Burton, got caught necking

in the back of his parents' Cadillac?

Jack was such a hot piece of ass.

- Dude, why do you think I made out with him?

Figures.

So, you and Johnny.

Okay, fine.

For the record, we were at this hot tub the other night.

He was wearing this speedo.

It's huge!

Shut up!

You're such a hotty, Dorothy.

You always get the sexiest guys.

- All it takes is a little personality, a dash of boobs,

and a willingness to add somebody to your Facebook.

Every time, I'm telling ya.

Well, how about you

give me a little credit, girl?

I mean, I did introduce you to Cosmo after all.

True that.

- Well, you just let me know how it goes tonight.

I bet you two do it.

Please, what if we got caught?

That's the fun of it.

Come on, live a little.

Hey, I gotta take this.

It's Johnny.

Okay, do it, girl.

Do it!

Hey, sexy.

Hey, cutie.

What's goin' on?

So, when are you coming on over?

- Actually that's why I'm calling.

I'm really sorry.

I don't think I'm gonna be able to make it.

A few things have come up.

You know, it's Halloween.

Yeahhhh. - Damn it, Johnny!

If you couldn't have made it earlier,

you should have just said so!

- Hey, Johnny! - Shh!

Who are you with?

Look.

Truth is, I really don't think this is working.

I mean, seriously?

Don't you think that there's something missing?

I'm just trying to explain what's going on.

It's probably more your fault than my fault,

but, just a second.

- Johnny, get off the-- - All right, are you there?

Shoot, are you there, hello?

Wait, are you breaking up with me?

- Sure, yeah, is that what's happening?

I guess so.

- But I had such a great evening planned for us!

Did you?

Did you make some, some casserole or something?