Shameless

My progeny has joined the ranks of the graduated.

- You applied those schools for me? - A few fallbacks too. Just in case.

You're not my mother, you're not in-charge of who I talk to

and you're sure as shit not in-charge of if I go to college!

We've been banging like bunnies and I can't get pregnant.

What will you do?

Are you out of your fucking mind?

Kev is just gonna lie down with you for procreation, not sex.

Wham, bam, thank you, Mom.

- What are you doing wearing my top? - Pheromones. I'm borrowing them.

- It's the thing boys like about you. - You mean tits?

I think you might be a year or two off.

Are you gonna marry someone who screws guys for a living?

Who gives a shit? It's a fucking piece of paper.

You love me. Just this once, fucking admit it.

I want to enlist.

When's the next bus to basic combat training?

Tomorrow morning.

- Phillip. - It's Lip.

It's just Gallagher now. Get on.

I was wondering if you'd seen Jimmy lately?

Any sign of conflict or things not going his way,

and he just disappears. It's what he does.

- Be a man. - Get onto the boat.

Can I just make one phone call to Fiona, please?

Last message I promise.

Wherever you are, bye.

- You the temp? - Yes.

Fiona Gallagher.

Mr. Pratt is asking for a word with you.

Let me guess, he's the boss?

Not the big boss, but he is a supervisor, yes.

We sort of ditched the party.

Well, then, you'd better behave yourself

because I am way too drunk

not to invite you back to my tent right now.

He said if you don't stop drinking you're gonna die.

So I'm supposed to stop drinking so that you don't feel guilty?

You're supposed to stop drinking

because you have children at home who love you.

What if I don't wanna change?

Then I would know what I've always feared is true,

that you don't give a shit about any of us.

Hey, Carl. Carl. Hey!

You got any Bears stuff I can wear to the game today?

A hat or jersey or something?

I got a Fuck Jay Cutler T-shirt. Might have blood on it though.

Thanks, but no thanks.

- Morning, sunshine. - Good morning.

Good morning.

Don't get too comfortable up there.

Ian's gonna want his old bed back when he comes home.

- Where are you going? - Out.

On Sunday morning?

Are those my boots?

- Occupied! - Gotta take a piss.

- Go away. - Use the downstairs bathroom.

It's downstairs.

You're young. You'll live.

No. Absolutely not. No more peeing off the balcony.

What the fuck? Carl!

Good morning, Mrs. Babiak.

There's a toilet right there.

Mrs. Babiak doesn't need an anatomy lesson.

Mrs. Babiak's got my 18th birthday circled on her calendar.

Use the toilet like a human.

- Can I have Lip's old room? - No.

He's at college.

Seriously, cut the shit with the nature whizzing

or you won't live here anymore.

That pierogi-eating prune will call the cops.

And no, you can't have Lip's old room.

He's gonna be home in the summer and for holidays.

- Oh, you going clubbing? - Hanging out with Holly.

- You two gonna work the corner? - Shut up, zit-head.

- Least I got zits, no-pubes girl. - Okay, enough.

Both of you. Cereal. Brother.

You think you might be a little over-dressed

for Sunday morning at Holly's?

It's not like we're going church.

You're watching Liam today, remember?

I haven't abused marijuana like the rest of you,

- so, yes, I remember. - I have the Mike thing.

I said my memory's intact.

Whoa!

Big yellow icy spot on the sidewalk. I almost dropped the dip.

Spike must've chewed through his fence again.

My world famous artichoke-jalapeño dip.

Eddie loved it. He used to spread it on his waffles.

Thanks, Sheila. That smells great.

- Why is she here again? - I don't care. Our laundry's clean.

- Any new texts from Ian? - No.

- You check your phone this morning? - Yes.

- It's been almost a week. - He'll be back when he's back.

We should file a missing persons report.

We're not going to the police, okay? He's 17.

We don't have to be happy about it, but I trust him.

No surprise he ran away from this gulag.

It's not like anyone cares a damn if any of us live or die!

Liam?

I heard you the first 300 billion times!

Two hundred and seventy dollars?

Pre-natal visits aren't cheap and Dr. Suzie is cash up front.

What's wrong with the free clinic?

You want your baby mama waiting next to crab-infested hookers,

and toothless crack-heads?

What happened to the 200 that I gave you last week?

Ultrasounds, prenatal vitamins,

and I found this cute little black maternity number at Nordstrom's too.

You see what I'm saying?

Hey, Kev, you got a Bears jersey? Mike's taking me to the game today.

Borrow as in I get it right back,

or borrow as in you plan to keep it forever,

- and forget it isn't yours? - Get it right back. Promise.

You still staying away from hot dogs and unpasteurized cheese?

And no sprouts. I know how you love

to shovel it in at the Sizzler salad bar.

Honey, I was still doing coke when I was pregnant with you,

and now you're worried about me eating cheese?

All right, Carol, no Nordstrom's. Okay, do you hear me?

No Nordstrom's.

Sweat pants and Adele's old muumuus from Goodwill.

I'll stop by after church

and we'll go shopping for some sensible shoes.

My feet are starting to spread,

and in a month I'm gonna be able to water ski,

without the skis.

- All right. Thanks. Bye. - Bye, Mama.

There's no way we can afford a maternity ward.

She's just gonna have to have the baby upstairs in the tub.

We can get Tinisha from down the block to help out.

- Tinisha's not a midwife. - No, but she's had

a shit-load of babies.

William "The Refrigerator" Perry.

There's a player named after a kitchen appliance?

Was.

Your mom doesn't have health insurance at work?

No, and I would've never agreed to bang my own mom-in-law

if I'd known she wasn't covered.

You and Mike getting serious?

I'm not falling in love or anything but I like him.

- Sex good? - I don't know yet.

First Date Fiona?

The girl who puts out waiting in line at the Wendy's drive-thru?

- Who told you that? Ronnie Finnegan? - Ben Troutman.

Jesus Christ, you've done that more than once?

So nothing at all with you and Mike?

Little dry humping. Couple of hand jobs.

But, no, he's my boss so we're going slow.

Maybe they don't fuck right away in the middle class.

It's definitely weird.

He doesn't like force himself onto me,

where I gotta decide if I'm gonna Taser him or go along,

like I do with the guys from around here.

- Still nothing from Jimmy? - In the wind. Not a word.

Oh, fuck him. He was a pussy anyway.

- And no Frank? - Nope.

Thank Jesus for small blessings. You better off without him.

No, he'll be back. Frank's a cockroach.

You can stomp on him, spray him, try and drown him,

but he always comes crawling back up out of the toilet bowl.

Police Department!

- Police! - Let's see your hands.

- Hands. Come on, hands. - Hands up.

- Check this door. - Police Department!

- Back room's clear! - Police.

You don't think I saw you stash that?

Come on, hands.

We got two additional at the Southside.

Police. Show us your hands. Let me see your hands. Come on.

- Teams moving through! - Come on, pal, hands. Let's go.

Yo. Hands out. Now.

Frank?

- Hi, Mandy. Nice tam. - Thanks.

- How you been? - Good.

Ian's still missing. Have you heard from him? Nothing?

- Not even a call or a text? - Sorry.

- So you wanna know how Lip's doing? - Not really.

- He's in college. - Good for him.

This is a bunch of bills,

chink delivery menus and press-on-nail coupons.

What mailboxes you robbing? Dearborn projects?

No, apartment complex over by Rush.

Oh, there's an ATM card.

Congratulations. It has no fucking pin number.

What are you gonna do? Rob the same mailboxes everyday

until they send the pin?

Hey, you. This all you made yesterday?

- I give you everything. - Two hundred twenty bucks?

- How many Johnsons you squash? - Seventeen.

What? That's like 12 bucks a wank.

- Who was at the door? - Debbie Gallagher.

- What'd she want? - She was looking for Ian.

Seen him?

- Why do you care? - I don't.

Said Lip was doing good in college.

- Hey. - Hi.

It's time to go, Ron. Byronic heroes study group?

I have to stop by the lab first.

I'm building a new docking station for my cloud city.