Anger Management

[BLONDIE'S "HEART OF GLASS" PLAYS]

Hey, Timmy, get me a hot dog.

Hey, Dave. I like your Dukes of Hazzard T-shirt.

Well, thanks, Sara. I like your CHiPs T-shirt.

Thanks.

Yeah. Except for Arnie Shankman being here.

Wedgie! Wedgie! Wedgie!

Well, you know, I kind of feel bad for him with his sister losing her mind and all.

Whatever.

You know what we should do? Play Truth or Dare.

You want to?

Okay, I'll go first. Truth or dare?

Have you ever kissed a girl before?

Well, I-- Family doesn't count.

Maybe I'll take dare. Okay.

I dare you to kiss me.

Right here?

Yeah. I want everyone to see that your first kiss is with me.

Got any mustard for that cocktail frank, butt-lick?

David Buznik. Yeah, I just landed in St. Louis.

I hope you wrote my speech.

Oh, yes I did, sir. I pulled an all nighter.

I'm looking forward to this, Mr. Head. I've never been to St. Louis before.

I really want to thank you for allowing me to come on this trip--

Uh, yeah. Yeah. Okay, that sounds great.

If we finish our work, I'd love to go to a jazz club.

Terrific.

He hung up on you again, didn't he? Yes. Yes, he did.

He's such a jerk. You're the one who came up with the idea for the Husky Cat clothing line.

He didn't even say thank you. He should give you a promotion.

There's a creative executive position that just opened up, so...

You should bring that up to him on the trip. You gotta stick up for yourself sometimes.

I know. I'll figure something out.

I gotta go. Sorry.

I'm gonna miss you.

That guy's looking at us.

You know I don't like it when people watch me kiss.

I'm sorry.

Take care.

Okay. Bye.

Dave...

Have a good flight. Okay.

I'm sorry.

I think you're in my seat.

Come on, pal. I'm already settled in here, huh? Can't you just go sit somewhere else?

You're supposed to sit in the seat they assigned you.

Nobody cares. Just go sit in the seat I'm supposed to sit in.

Excuse me. This seat's available.

Okay. Thank you.

You're very welcome.

No air.

Oh, that's too bad, huh?

You're on my side of the armrest.

We're not gonna have problems, are we?

No.

I'm wetting my Jockeys here.

You gotta get a load of this, keed.

I mean, you like comedies?

Yeah, I just haven't been sleeping a lot lately so I was gonna try to catch some...

Oh.

Look at this actress here.

What is your position on breast implants?

This guy.

I can just watch the movie with you.

Excuse me.

Could I get a headset? Certainly.

Thank you.

Probably make out with my next boyfriend.

Oh, my God, it was disgusting.

Uh, Miss?

I'll be right there, sir.

Where's your headset?

She's busy right now, but it's coming.

For crying out loud. You're missing important plot points.

Ma'am?

Could you give me a second, sir?

Excuse me.

Could I maybe get that headset, please?

Do not raise your voice to me, sir. I wasn't raising my voice.

Just calm down.

I am calm. I just want my headset.

Sir, our country is going through a very difficult time right now.

And if you're not gonna cooperate--

I don't know where a headset ties into patriotism.

Is there a problem here, sir?

I don't think so.

Can you come to the back of the plane with me so we can have a talk?

A talk about what? There's not a problem.

The stewardess just keeps-- Flight attendant.

The flight attendant keeps ignoring me when--

Calm down.

I am calm. What is it with you people?

"You people"?

Now wait a minute.

I don't mean you people. I mean you people.

Sir, I will not tolerate any racist behavior on the plane.

This is a very difficult time for our country.

I know that. I'm not a racist. I just want to watch the movie.

I'm only going to say this one more time, sir. Calm down.

I'm calm!

[DAVE GROANING AND PEOPLE GASPING]

All rise.

What do you think? Not guilty. It's a no-brainer.

Mr. Buznik. In case 723, assault and battery against a flight attendant...

I find you guilty.

Hm.

I'm ordering you to pay a fine of $3500.

Thank God you're okay.

In addition, to prevent further acts of rage,

this court hereby orders you to undergo 20 hours of anger management therapy.

Anger management?

Oh, my goodness. Bobby Knight.

You're in this group? Oh, yeah. This is my first day.

It's my first day also. I hope this class cures me.

Working on the anger problem?

Anger? Isn't this Sexaholics Anonymous?

Oh. No. I think that's down the hall.

Well, the hell with this! I'm going home!

Dr. Rydell?

You don't remember me, do you?

I sat next to you on the plane. Oh, yeah, yeah, the headset guy.

Good to see you again. Good to see you too.

That was a crazy flight.

They actually sentenced me to anger management for that.

Really?

Wow. Yeah.

This is incredible. You could sign this for me

and tell them I don't have an anger problem if you want.

Uh-huh.

I can't just sign your papers.

I didn't do anything wrong. You know that.

All right.

How's this?

Just hang for one session

so I can at least say I gave you a proper analysis.

Then I'll sign your papers. Okay.

Shall we? Oh, yes. Yes.

So my boss, he was talking to me about how many sick days I've taken.

And I was like, you know, "Don't go there."

But he kept on about wanting to see a doctor's

And I said, "Look, I'm seriously serious. You don't want to go there."

But he kept talking and talking, being such a nag,

and then I just blacked out. I blacked out.

And when I woke up, I was standing over him and I was screaming:

"I told you not to go there! I told you not to go there!"

Well, how do you feel you handled that situation?

Not as well as I could've.

Remember, Lou, temper's the one thing you can't get rid of by losing it.

Now, Fury Fighters, let's say hello to someone

who's joining our quest to get the anger monkeys off our backs:

Dave. Hi, Dave.

Hi.

Good news, I fed my anger monkey a banana this morning

and he's feeling much better.

More good news, you won't have to listen to those lame jokes

because I'm only here for one session.

Dave assaulted a female flight attendant in midair.

Nice. I bet you beat her good.

I didn't beat anybody. I touched a woman.

Liar. Bullshitter. You're a woman beater.

You can't admit it because you're a piece of garbage.

I don't know about all that, but now I understand why you're here.

I'm here because I was verbally attacked by my neighbor.

And I took a dump on his porch.

I guess you're better than me. That's why you can't cop to your rage.

You're superior. He's superior.

Maybe Dave's not ready yet, Chuck. You're not ready. Hear what he said?

Let's introduce Dave to some of the rest of us.

Girls, why don't you tell Dave what brought you here.

I'm sure he'd love to listen to what you guys have to say.

We always do.

Come on, Dave. Join us. Okay.

Okay. Well, we're in the adult film industry.

And we're lovers.

One day, Gina was having sex with this Filipino guy, Melo,

which was totally cool because it was in the script.

Sure.

And then I asked Melo back to the house with us,

which is cool, because, well, we like a little variety.

Variety's good.

So anyway, in the middle of our session,

I look up and I see Gina kissing Melo on the mouth,

which is totally not cool because it completely violates our threesome code of ethics.

So Stacy bit my toe off.

Yeah, and then Melo freaks out and calls me a crazy skank.

Nobody talks to my bitch that way. That's right.

So I stapled his lips shut. And here we are.

Well, we've all been there.

I like him. Yeah, he's funny.

Not as funny as you.

Yeah, I like that.

All right, girls.

Let it go. Let it go a little bit longer.

Walk it off.

Oh.

Nate. Didn't we decide that you shouldn't listen to the ball game?

Don't worry, Dr. B, it's just a regular season game. Not that important.

Uh-huh. He missed the lay-up!

See? Iverson just missed a lay-up at the buzzer, Sixers lose.

Who gives a crap, huh?