The Hangover

You've reached Doug. Sorry I missed your call.

Please leave a name and number and I'll get back to you.

Hi, you've reached Dr. Stuart Price with Divine Dentistry.

Please leave a message after...

Hey, this is Phil.

Leave me a message or don't. Do me a favor, don't text me. It's gay.

-Anything? I tried them all.

It keeps going straight to voicemail.

Well, there has to be an explanation.

Sweetie, it's Vegas. You lose track of time in casinos.

There's no windows, there's no clocks. He's probably on a heater.

And you never walk away from the table when you're on a heater.

You do if you're getting married.

-Hello? -Ahem, Tracy, it's Phil.

Phil, where the hell are you guys?

I'm freaking out.

Yeah, listen.

Uh....

We fucked up.

-What are you talking about? -The bachelor party, the whole night. It....

Things got out of control, uh...

...and we lost Doug.

-What? -We can't find Doug.

What are you saying, Phil? We're getting married in five hours.

Yeah.

That's not gonna happen.

To my left a little.

Thank you.

Okey-dokey.

-Whoa, watch it, pervert! -Alan, he's just doing your inseam.

-He's getting very close to my shaft. -All done. You can change now.

Right. Thanks, Floyd. Thank you very much.

All right, buddy, we should get a move on.

You know, Doug, I was thinking....

If you wanna go to Vegas without me, that is totally cool, you know?

What are you talking about?

You know, Phil and Stu, they're your buddies, and it's your bachelor party.

Come on, Alan. Those two love you.

And also, I don't want you to feel like you have to hold back...

...because your wife's brother's there. I just...

It's not like that.

It's not like that. I already told you, Alan.

Okay? We're just spending the night in Vegas. It's no big deal.

Besides, you're not just my wife's brother, you're my brother now.

I want you to know, Doug, I'm a steel trap.

Whatever happens tonight, I will never, ever, ever, speak a word of it.

Okay. Yeah, I got it. Thank you. I don't think that...

Seriously. I don't care what happens.

-I don't care if we kill someone. -What?

You heard me. It's Sin City.

I won't tell a soul.

Okay. I got it.

-Thank you. No, thank you.

I love you so much.

-Ha. I knew it. -Dad.

Oh, stop it, I'm just jerking around.

Alan, put some pants on. You have weird legs.

Yes, Daddy.

-His legs look fine, Dad. -Oh, please.

He has his mother's legs. It's just freaky.

Alan, I'm just teasing. You have wonderful legs.

They're better than your mother's. They're beautiful.

Can you believe this? Just two more days.

I know. You getting nervous?

-You wanna back out? -Shut up.

Just tell me. Oh. Mm.

You know, I don't need to go to Vegas. It's dumb.

It's not dumb. It's one night. Have fun, you deserve it.

I know, but we should have gone last weekend.

We have so much to do. I... I'm gonna cancel.

My brother packed his bag two weeks ago. You're not canceling.

-Really? -Yeah.

-Two weeks? -Yeah, he's excited.

Thanks again for bringing him, by the way.

You don't need to thank me, it's nothing. He's a cool guy.

It's not nothing and he's not a cool guy...

...so thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hey, Sid.

I just wanted to thank you guys again for everything you're doing this weekend.

-We couldn't be more excited. -Ah, that's great.

Yeah, okay. You love us and we love you. Terrific.

So talk to me about Vegas.

-Uh.... It should be pretty mellow. -Mm-hm.

Do some gambling, maybe catch some rays, have a few laughs.

Yeah, some laughs. I got you.

How you getting out there?

Uh, we're gonna take my car. Gonna pick up my friends after this.

-Prius? You're taking a Prius to Vegas? -Yeah.

You know, when you go to Vegas...

...you gotta go to Vegas.

No. Sid.

-Really? Come on, we're family now.

-You sure? I mean, you love this car. -Doug, it's just a car.

Just make sure to put some Armor All on the tires so the sand doesn't seep in.

Absolutely. That's easy.

Oh, and, uh, don't let Alan drive, because there's something wrong with him.

Understood.

Oh, and Phil either. I don't like him.

I will be the only one driving this car. I promise.

Good.

Remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Ah!

Except for herpes. That shit'll come back with you.

All right. Hold on. I still need some of your permission slips...

...and $90 for the field trip to the Griffith Observatory next weekend.

Pay now, or forever regret missing out on the experience of a lifetime, guys.

You're good, you got it.

Thanks, Mr. Wenneck. Thank you. Hey.

You really came through, thank you.

Whoa, Max. What gives? What, no planetarium?

My mom won't give me the money. I'm grounded.

-Well, how much you got on you? -I don't know.

Like, 20 bucks.

Well, give me the 20 and I'll cover the rest.

-Really? -Yeah. Well, we'll talk about it.

But give me the 20 so I know you're serious.

-Cool. Thanks, Mr. Wenneck. -Yeah.

Hold on, I got it.

Ahem, do you have to park so close?

-Yeah. What's wrong? -I shouldn't be here.

Why is that, Alan?

I'm not supposed to be within 200 feet of a school.

-What? -Or a Chuck E. Cheese.

Mr. Wenneck, I was... -It's the weekend.

I don't know you. You do not exist.

-Shit. Heh, heh, heh.

-Nice car. Yeah.

-I'm driving. Whoa, no chance, buddy...

Don't step... God. Watch the leath...

Shut up and drive before these nerds ask me another question.

-Animal. -Who's this?

-It's Alan. Tracy's brother. -I met you, like, four times.

Oh, yeah. How you doing, man?

Don't forget your Rogaine.

Rogaine, check.

And don't forget to use it.

I can totally tell when you forget, your hair just looks thinner.

Using of the Rogaine, check.

Make sure to call me right when you get to the hotel...

...not like that conference in Phoenix.

I had to wait two hours for you to call me.

Yeah, I was the keynote speaker. I was late to the podium.

-Still? -Yeah, you're totally right. I'm sorry.

-What is the matter? I don't know.

I hope you're not gonna go to some strip club when you're up there.

Melissa, we're going to Napa Valley.

I don't even think they have strip clubs in wine country.

Well, I'm sure if there is one, Phil will sniff it out.

It's not gonna be like that.

Besides, you know how I feel about that.

I know, I know. It's just boys and their bachelor parties, it's gross.

You're right, it is gross. Mm-mm.

And you know what else, honestly?

Why would I risk this for, you know, a couple of minutes...

...of some 19-year-old hard body in a schoolgirl outfit?

-Yeah. -Why would I ever need, like...

-You're right. And if you ever do... -What?

...I will fucking kick your ass.

Thank you. Thank you for that.

That is exactly what I needed to hear.

Not to mention it's pathetic.

Those places are filthy. And the worst part is...

...that little girl...

...grinding and dry humping the fucking stage up there...

-...that's somebody's daughter up there. -I was just gonna say that.

See? I just wish your friends were as mature as you.

They are mature, actually. You just have to get to know them better.

Paging Dr. Faggot.

Dr. Faggot!

-I should go. -That's a good idea, Dr. Faggot.

Have a good weekend. I'm gonna miss you.

Whoo!

Road trip!

Vegas! Vegas, baby!

Vegas!

You're nuts!

Come on, just till Barstow. Everybody's passing us.

Absolutely not. I promised Sid. I will be the only one driving this car.

Besides, you're drinking.

Oh, what are you, a cop now? You know I drive great when I'm drunk.

True. Don't forget, Phil was always our designated drunk driver.

Yeah. You wanna explain it to them, Alan?

Guys, my dad loves this car more than he loves me, so, yeah.

Aw, whatever. I left my wife and kid at home so I could go with you guys.

-You know how difficult that was? -That's really sweet.

-Yeah. -Dude, I was being sarcastic.

I fucking hate my life.

-I may never go back. I might stay in Vegas. -Here we go.

Doug, enjoy yourself, because come Sunday...

...you're gonna start dying just a little bit every day.

Yeah. That's why I've managed to stay single this whole time, you know?

-Oh, really? That's why you're single? -Yeah.

Cool. Good to know.

-Am I all right over there, Alan? -Yeah, you're good.

Aw, Jesus Christ!

-Oh, my God! -That was awesome!

That was not awesome. What's wrong with you?

-That was insane. We almost just died. -You should have seen your face.