Veep

Vic: 80 vice president meyer is under pressure today, rod.

Rod: That's right, Vic. She fired one of her secret service men because he smiled.

He wasn't fired, he was reassigned.

Vic: This doesn't look good for the vp's chief of staff Amy brookheimer.

Amy, you listening to crock fm right now?

Yeah, that's exactly what I'm doing.

Well, don't sweat it. I can still bust some moves in this town.

Bust some moves? Really, Mike?

I have a black belt in Mike kwan do.

All right, sir, no.

Okay, okay. Hey, hey, easy, dough boy.

Hands off the suit.

Rod: Uh-oh, blame me brookheimer.

Stop laughing there, Vic. That's treason.

- Hello? - Dan.

You must have a huge schaden-boner over this Amy flack.

Oh, I take no pleasure in my colleague's very public, brutal...

I'm trying to watch TV. Would you please move?

And probably career-ending humiliation, Jonah.

God, she is gonna go ape-shit menstrual over this.

Hey, I'm on the phone with at&t. Can you stop shouting "menstrual"?

Yeah, you know, she'll probably go a little menstrual.

Yeah, she probably will. Although, when you think about it,

it's actually kind of worse for you.

Is that right?

Well, the vp's office is a cataclysm on spin cycle.

And then you got that pregnancy rumor flying around

like the contents of a broken fucking condom.

It's gonna be last in and first out and you're a dead Dan walking... what the fuck?

This is going in with the dirty dishes, man.

For fuck's sake. If this is broken, I'm adding it to your fucking rent.

Rod: Please call in on this one. Should Amy brookheimer go?

Selina: But the bottom line is, you keep the streets safe,

I'll keep your budget safe.

Well, I was gonna say that brings a smile to my face,

but that would be safe, wouldn't it, ma'am?

That's very funny, bill. You're fired.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

Hey, ma'am, it's leave o'clock.

Okay, yes. I'm afraid I have to go, gentlemen.

Thank you so much.

Let's be cheerful out there.

Selina: Mike, this is not a story.

Collins made a bunch of faces, he was reassigned.

That shouldn't be news. How in the hell did this happen?

It's the secret service, for Christ's sake.

Secret as in, "shut the fuck up."

And service as in, "you work for me, okay?

"So why don't you shut the fuck up?"

We have an enemy and I want a name and a severed head that answers to that name,

or would if it could still talk.

All right, I'm gonna be in my office.

Alone!

Oh, Gary, did the veep just bitch slap you with a door?

She didn't mean that. She's got a lot on her mind today.

Oh, yeah, you mean like firing Amy?

Or someone who's undermining the president by back-channeling macauley.

That's bullshit.

Okay, I need to tell you guys something.

Oh, what, is she out of hand sanitizer again?

I can't say this. I can't tell you this.

Gary, why are you talking in cliff-hangers?

Selina's had a miscarriage.

Well, this is good for us. Right?

Nicely done, dandroid.

How is she?

Free from a major fucking political headache, I'd say.

That's deep space cold, Dan.

Explains why you piss liquid nitrogen.

Yeah, okay, Ted. I'll call you back, then.

So that's...

What? What's going on?

I was telling the guys about my riding mower I got.

Wow, Gary.

That was quick. Look at that.

Okay, everybody. Please come into my office.

White house is in the house. Everybody say way-o!

The skyscraper of shit has arrived.

Madam vice president, top story today

is that viral sensation that's sweeping the nation.

What are you talking about?

- Uh, may I? - No, you may not.

It's tagged "selina sell-outta."

Selina meyer, has this veep lost control?

Are, are, are...

She says she's an environmentalist, but she vetoes environmental protection.

She sets up a clean jobs task force that includes not one, but two oil men.

I'm gonna tell you the truth.

Woman: What is the mental state of a veep that fires a man for smiling?

- I love this part. - Could you...

I am selina meyer.

And I don't have any idea

what's going on in my office.

All right, pack up your limbs and get the fuck out, Jonah.

- Get him out. - Hey, don't shoot the messenger.

- Is punching allowed? - Oh, you wouldn't stand a chance.

I have a much longer reach.

- Hey, did everybody get a chance to see this? - Nol

I mean, how are we gonna shut this negativity down?

Amy, what are we gonna do?

Amy: Yeah, well, it's inaccurate.

Technically, the secret service guy was reassigned.

Yeah, and technically we didn't put two oil guys on clean jobs task force.

Oh, yeah, I see.

And technically this is a fully functioning office, too.

Well, that secret service clown has obviously leaked this.

That's right, Mike. Good. You know what?

You're gonna have to go talk to him, okay?

You are the closest to normal we've got going in this office right now.

Thanks, I think.

Okay, there's a white house request to publish

all the secret service office personnel records.

Are you kidding me? They want our records now?

What are we gonna do? What?

Well, we have to release those. And that has got me thinking,

why not release all of our fucking records?

- Full disclosure. - Are you serious?

Yeah, publish everything.

All of our emails, and all of our phone records.

Right, right, 'cause they won't have time to read everything.

I mean, you can't read everything.

I don't read half the stuff I'm supposed to.

So by showing that we have nothing to hide,

then we can actually hide some stuff.

Dan, what do you think about this?

I just think that this could blow up in all of our faces.

Just because this isn't your baby, you don't...

God, I am so sorry.

Oh, it's fine. It's fine.

I mean, it was like a heavy period. Don't worry about it.

All right, you know what, guys? We're doing this.

I've made the decision that we are going to release all of our correspondence.

Full disclosure is now the name of the game.

Mike will fill you in on the rest of it.

- Right, Mike? - Yes, ma'am.

Okay.

Thank you.

All right, obviously it is not gonna be full disclosure.

Okay? It's gonna be partial disclosure light.

We don't want to have a paper trail on clean jobs.

There can be no... are you writing that down?

Why would you be writing that down?

Nothing about Sidney purcell having access to clean jobs, all right?

We have to check sue's calendar,

make sure there are no meetings there that I did-didn't have.

The accidentally racist brochure that we had to shred.

Oh, we're gonna redact that for sure.

But the thing is, is that I still think

there needs to be something embarrassing in there.

- You know what I mean? - Sure.

So it doesn't look as if we've just airbrushed the nipples out of this fucking thing.

No, that's really good. And it makes... yeah.

Massages at the residence. The press will obsess about those.

- Massages? What massages? - That's good.

Your back facials.

- Oh. - Back facials? What?

Yeah, I get back acne. Backne.

Okay, okay. I think we can live with that. Shall we release the logs from the residence?

Uh, yeah, sure. We can do that.

- Okay? - Okay.

Got a plan. Oh, uh, Dan.

Can I talk to you just for a quick sec?

- Yeah. - You want me to stay?

Did I ask you to stay?

Thank you.

Um, Dan, listen, do I have anything that I need to be worried about?

Just a random example might be

anything about the macauley amendment you need...

- No.nope. - No?

Because if anyone thought this office

had anything to do with that amendment,

which went against the president's wishes and policy,

that would be completely wrong and it would be curtains for everyone.

Yes, ma'am.

I mean, I don't know what you did or didn't do,

but I do know that I can't know what you know or you don't know.

You know?

I know.

Okay, good.

Oh, fuck.

You okay, ma'am?

Yeah, ame, listen.

I'm sorry I snapped at you there.

I thought you were about to fire me.

I'm sorry to hear

that you lost... That you're no longer pregnant.

Oh, yeah, thanks.

Um, here's the deal, though. On top of everything else,

I think that Ted is getting ready to dump me.

What is that...

Nodding thing supposed to mean?

No, no, my...

Processing information.

The nod of my head is like I'm buffering.

Oh, well, once you're done buffering,

what is it that you're thinking?

I don't know. Maybe the thrill is gone.

What do you mean?

Like the thrill of the whole power thing wore off.

And now he just doesn't like what's...