Breaking In

All right, Cash. Security cam's up.

Target's on the move. It's now or never.

I'm not feeling it.

Scrub the mission! Scrub the mission!

No, damn it. Remember your training. You can do this.

- No, I'm not ready! - Yes, you are ready!

Go, go, go!

(Action movie theme music playing)

You've liked this girl for two months. Just do it.

She's just a sandwich girl.

You got this.

Yes. Yes! Come on!

No. Fail, fail, fail.

Damn it. I've got no game.

Ohh.

Ohh.

(Michael Wandmacher's "we got your back" playing)

I'm not much for sushi,

but I'm really loving this Japanese guac.

Oh! That's not guac. Oh.

That's wasabi. Oh, my God. Isn't your mouth on fire?

No. No, I lost all my taste buds at Vassar.

Hey, hey, hey.

What's happening, Rog?

What's going on?

What happened to all the... the revelry

and the mirth and the merriment?

What are we celebrating?

What's the big occash?

Jones got us sushi.

Jones is the best!

Whoo! The best, bar none.

The a-best...

Jones.

Which one of you is Jones again? I'm just...

Oh, sweet, sweet v.

Oh. (Chuckles)

Oh. (Mouths words) Jones is in Tokyo.

He's our international sales rep.

He's a legend in the security business.

Yeah. Remember that Christmas party he threw?

Ohh. I got so drunk,

I passed out at, like, 6:00.

Mm. I know you did.

Jones is the man.

He hooked me up with v.I.P. Seats

at medieval times... Free mead, free mutton.

The best part... Merlin's Subaru broke down,

and I gave him a jump.

This Jones seems like quite the generous fellow.

Well, wouldn't you be if you pulled in

the biggest paycheck in the office?

How do you know how much money he makes?

Not from opening his mail.

And... and why would his checks come here

if he lives in Japan?

Well, I just give 'em to oz. He takes care of it.

I-I don't ask a lot of questions.

Jones pays for my therapy. I had a lot of issues

after my mom forgot me at karate camp.

To Jones, the man whose sense of fun...

- To Jones! - Makes us all want to come to work, huh?

Yay, Jones! Wait. Hold on just a tick.

Um, so you guys want fun? I can keep up with the joneses.

Okay, you see this bowl? This is the fun bowl.

I want you to put your names in that bowl.

I will pick one,

and the winner gets a free lunch anywhere in this city...

I told you she's okay. Yeah!

Right? With me!

Take that, Jones!

I have some rather troubling news that could rock this office

- to its very core. - Hmm? Hmm.

There is no Jones.

Oz is pocketing his paychecks. I'm certain of it.

I... cannot... believe this.

No one has put their name in my bowl.

Well, that chunky receptionist just walked right past,

didn't put her name in. Where does she get off?

Firstly, Becky's pregnant.

Secondly, oz is using Jones' salary

as a personal slush fund.

Okay, that sounds serious.

Why don't you get on top of that?

I'm gonna get to the bottom of this bowl situation.

Off with ya.

Okay. (Sighs) Hello, people of the office.

I just wanted to be sure that we were all clear

on the free lunch offer.

Please put your name in the bowl.

Not one person. Okay.

Well, if you need me,

I will be filling the bowl with an alarming amount

of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.

Hey, V., um, I found this on the floor.

Hopefully it's not too late for the drawing.

What?

Cameron! Oh, my gosh.

Somebody get this man a towel,

because the fun is gonna explode

all over his face!

There she is,

my sweet 'n' savory sandwich girl.

If only I knew what to say.

What about "hi"?

Come on. I've seen you talk to girls before.

Comic-con girls with unreasonably low standards.

Phoebe's different. She's a civilian.

Sorry to interrupt. Um, I need to talk to you about Jones.

Jones. What a guy.

I know he's not real.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What do you mean, he's not real?

I've done my homework, gentlemen,

and not one person in this office can tell me

what Jones actually looks like.

Yeah, he's got the whole thing, you know,

with the eyes and the nose and the, uh, mouth.

No, he wasn't there.

I picked up the tickets at will call.

He's tall and handsome...

And has the reproductive organs

of both genders.

And if Jones is not real, then whose dog am I watching?

No, not the fraggles!

Those are priceless!

Ohh.

How can I stay mad at you, Jones' dog?

What you're doing is highly illegal.

I know you're taking his checks.

Yeah, to deposit for him while he is abroad.

It's a simple courtesy.

I also take in his trash cans. Sue me!

Look, look. This can all be straightened up

with one simple phone call to Jones, all right?

He should be awake in about... an hour.

Um, well, that... that's, uh, a pleasant surprise.

Mm.

I-in an hour then.

Pfft! That woman's crazy.

"There's no Jones."

- (Sighs) There is no Jones. - What?

I made him up! But don't worry about it.

I've got it under control.

I-I don't know what's real anymore.

Uh, wh-whose dog is that?

Hate to break it to you, kid, but you are the proud owner

of an English bulldog.

Okay, let's do this.

Jones, are you there?

Oh, hey, uh, ohayo gozaimasu

from, uh, you know, the land of the rising sun.

Same to you. What, uh, whatcha doin' up there, jonesy?

Oh, you know, it's all good.

Living it up here in the far east...

Doing my thing... karaoke,

geishas, ninjas, samurai... mothra.

We get it. You're in Japan. Uh, I wanted to take a moment

and introduce you to our new office manager Molly.

Hello, Molly.

Hello, Mr. Jones. Mm.

Uh, I just wanted to introduce myself

to the man traveling the world for us. (Chuckles)

Oh, yeah. I go everywhere.

I get into all types of trouble.

Oh, really? Please elaborate.

Just, uh...

Going around searching for artifacts,

hanging with my buddy short round,

running from big-ass boulders.

Uh, mostly you deal

with foreign sales for our company, remember?

Uh, t-totally.

Archaeology is just something that I dabble in.

No, no, no. Not really.

You're right. I don't dabble.

I've got a doctorate,

which has led me to some great adventures.

Well, three were great.

The last one I did for the money.

Sayonara, Dr. Jones.

Well... (Chuckles) Thank you, oz.

Uh, I was... I was worried

I was gonna have to call the FBI on you. (Chuckles)

Oh, that wouldn't have mattered.

They think I'm dead anyway.

Did I... did I miss Jones already?

Well, you know Jones. If you miss him,

- it's like he was never even here. - Right. (Sighs)

Uh, afternoon, gentlemen.

Indiana Jones.

You had to make him Indiana Jones?

You named him Jones. What was I supposed to do?

James Earl Jones!

Vader!

Oz! Oz.

She's calling back for Jones!

Uh, konnichiwa. Jones here.