Summer's Last Resort

My mother named me Summer

hoping for breezy and chill.

And what she got was a Type-A Virgo with stress eczema.

What can I say?

Exercising caution is my cardio.

My toxic traits include perfectionism,

anxious attachment, and positive affirmations.

I am consistent. I am persistent. I go with the flow.

I think you could afford a little more flow there, Summer.

We just got lapped by a turtle on crutches.

The human equivalent of 6-7 is Glenn Winters.

Vice Principal of the Year nominee,

slash driver's ed teacher. It's giving budget cuts.

This is fast enough, Mr. Winters.

I'm not trying to impress anyone.

Well, I am impressed with this hand placement.

It's a perfect ten and two right there.

Sometimes I like to cheat and just go twelve,

or sometimes seven and five.

- Good morning, Summer! - Not now, Mrs. Kapoor!

- See you in class, though! -

We just got lapped by Mrs. Kapoor.

You know what? How about a little music?

Maybe that'll chill you out.

Oh, yeah! Mm!

Cranberries! Love The Cranberries.

Okay, not a Cran-Stan.

Trying to set a vibe for you there, Summer.

This is my vibe, okay?

I've prepped for this since February.

Online tutorials, cue cards, I journaled affirmations.

Journals plural, Mr. Winters.

Know what? My daughter is the exact same way.

Always planning.

All right, you know what,

this is my lunch break. If you don't mind...

I am gonna take lunch.

Oh my God! Is that gluten? I'm allergic!

I don't think gluten is airborne. You're fine.

It is when you're spitting in my face!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa... - Oh my gosh! Oh my God!

- How do I slow down? - Use the brakes.

Summer, what are you doing? Brake! Stop, stop, stop! Brake!

- Brake! Stop! - Oh my gosh!

Brake! Brake! Recalibrating, recalibrating! Look out!

Oh my God!

Oh my God! Sorry! Move! Move!

Oh no. Oh no... Oh my God! Brake, Summer! Brake!

- We're all gonna die! - Summer, brake! Brake! Brake!

[tires screeching to a halt] -

- -

Troy! You okay, buddy?

Troy, you okay? Come on, let's get you up, buddy. There we go.

Let's get this off of you.

Breathe. There we go. Get some air.

You good, buddy? Talk to me. Talk to me, Troy.

I just saw some crazy shit in there.

Are you...

Are you high?

Uh, I'm whatever you need me to be, Mr. Winters.

- Boop! - Okay...

Well, your steering's a mess,

but your mascot take down is... elite.

Did I fail?

It's a strong maybe.

My mom Milly's parking is like her love life,

short-term and risky,

which is fine with me because we're a good team.

I remind her when the bills are due

and she reminds me it's better late than pregnant.

I've seen some beavers get pounded in my day, but damn!

Sweetheart? Baby?

Are you all right? In one piece?

- I'm all right. Yeah. - Ten fingers, 10 toes?

Mom, I think I failed.

Oh, sweetie, it's not a drug test. It doesn't matter.

This is fine. You're okay. I love you.

Now...

Who the hell let my daughter drive this deathtrap?

I...

You!

Of course they've got some handsome man in charge

who's probably too busy chasing tail to do your job?

Oh, yeah... Um, a beaver tail...

No, this is exactly why we have to smash the patriarchy.

- Amen! - Or a wo-man.

Uh...

I'm Milly Martin, I'm Summer's mom.

Oh yeah, Summer. She's a terrible driver.

- Well... - I'm...

Glenn Winters, and I'm at your service. Like, forever.

Forever's a little ambitious, don't you think?

Oh, I'm the vice principal here.

Ambition's, like, my brand.

Um...

Look at this idiot falling for my mom!

Wait a minute... Is my mom falling for this idiot?

This was not part of my five-year plan.

Summer!

Grayson, you're already packed?

Already? I've made several coffees

and trades on Frankfurt markets,

we're almost about to leave, and your bag remains empty.

Frankfurt, huh? Speaking of wieners...

- Is Glenn on his way? - Any minute now.

You're cool with that? With him?

Well, I mean, the man's wardrobe is a war crime,

but an award-winning male role model

will look great on my application to Wharton.

- You are 11! - Mom seems happy.

So, why aren't you?

She's tequila, and Glenn is lukewarm chamomile.

- They don't seem like a match. - I wouldn't get too revved.

Mom loves a new project for exactly four months.

They've been together for 3 months, 1 week, 6 days.

Tick-tock, Glenn. Tick-tock.

Summer, if I miss paddleboarding with dolphins,

my therapist is in for a wild session.

Almost ready, honey!

Hey, bikinis... Are we sharing or no?

I packed zero bikinis.

She packed zero anything!

Honey, how amazing is it

that our family, us, are going to the Caribbean?

To the El Dorado! Huh?

Sounds like a strip club that takes Groupons.

- Baby, it's a five-star resort. - We still owe back taxes,

and Grayson's laptop literally smells like burning.

Glenn has assured me

that the Vice Principal Awards are taking care of everything.

Which means no one loses any money if someone stays home.

- Ha! - You guys do realize

there are water slides going through fake volcanos, right?

- It sounds amazing. - I know.

Does this hypothetical person

have a first name that rhymes with "bummer"?

Six-foot waves every 90 seconds!

Speed, danger and you get pummeled on a schedule.

Oh, sign me up!

This is no surprise! I've been dropping hints for days.

I know, I've ignored every one.

- Great. - Sweetheart, we are not

"resort" people. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Glenn has been nominated for an international award,

and I've already shaved my legs. We're going.

- Mom... - Endless lazy river!

Blackjack! Full-service spa!

Enough, Grayson. It's giving influencer hostage video.

Oh!

- Car's here! Come on! - Thanks for the solidarity.

Hey! You need to grab your sad duffle,

paste on a smile and prepare to get sun burnt.

Mm. Normal moms encourage sunscreen.

"Normal"?

It's like you're trying to insult me.

Let's go!

Summer vacation. Woo.

- Wow! - I'm gonna go check us in.

Okay. It smells heavenly!

Of course Glenn's the guy who claps when the plane lands.

He wept openly while watching Penguins of Madagascar.

Hey, emotional EQ is the new IQ, kids.

- And that is not a thing. - It is.

It's called empathy. Glenn has it. You should buy some.

Relax, Brené Brown.

Ooh! Complimentary welcome cocktail!

- Excuse you! - I would never.

Yeah, that might be part of your problem, kid.

- What? - I'm just saying.

We are on vacation, and you could stand to loosen up.

Milly, come and meet the VEEP squad!

It's some of the other nominees!

- Oh yay, fun! - Is this lemonade?

- This is Milly. - Hi!

That's Grayson right there. Yeah...

Is this place the bomb-dot-com, or what?!

Ooh!

Wrong pipe!

You're not gonna believe this, they upgraded us

to a villa! - You worked your magic?

How?

I just "Glenn'd" the heck out of it.