Ricky Gervais: Out of England 2

( Cheering, applause )

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage

creator of "The Office" and "Extras,"

writer, director, actor,

producer, philanthropist,

winner of three Golden Globes,

two prime time Emmys and seven BAFTAs,

all the way from England,

Mr. Ricky Gervais!

Hello.

Hello.

Thank you. Hello, Chicago.

How are you? Wow wow.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

I, um... Thank you. Thank you.

That was an amazing welcome.

I should explain something straightaway.

Usually when I come out onstage, it's amazing, okay?

I'm doing cartwheels and backflips.

It's fucking spectacular, right?

But I've hurt my back. That's true actually.

I've pulled a muscle in my spine playing golf.

I know what you're thinking...

Serves me right for playing such a stupid game as golf.

But no, I've been in agony.

I'm actually on painkillers right now, so... No, it's true.

If I suddenly start talking like Paula Abdul, you'll know why.

I'm not drunk.

So when the doctor... This is true.

When the doctor gave me the painkillers,

he said, "Now, you can't drink alcohol with these."

And I went, "I don't want them then."

And he went, "What?"

I said, "Give me something you can drink alcohol with."

And he went, "Well, you're not meant to drink with any painkillers."

"Who are you, my fucking mother?

Just..."

So I've been walking round like the elephant man for days,

but without the big cock obviously.

I assume he had a big elephant's cock to match the head.

That would make things all right then, wouldn't it?

That would sort of balance it out,

because then he'd look in the mirror and he'd sort of go,

"Oh no.

Oh look at that fucking head.

Hold on, though. What's going on down here?"

Like, "Hey!"

Swings it round about.

"So let's celebrate. The buns are on me."

So yeah, that's my problems.

I didn't cancel though.

Don't you hate that, when a night is canceled?

You turn up, it goes, "Concert canceled due to sore throat."

Aw. Or "I couldn't go on. I was depressed."

Aw, poor little artist.

Can you imagine the laborer trying that?

Turning up and going, "I've got a little tickle and I'm fed up."

Aw, move the fucking bricks, mate.

Never cancel.

I had a gig in Dublin a couple of months ago, okay?

- And as you know, Dublin is in Ireland... - ( Applause )

Which is off of... Yeah, it's off the coast of Great Britain.

It's not part of Britain, but it's very close.

It's sort of like our Cuba, I suppose.

It's like...

Man: Ouch!

And... and so...

Okay, so Dublin, O2 arena,

10,000 seats sold out well in advance,

flights booked, really looking forward to it.

A few days before the gig,

they start grounding the airplanes

because there's a volcanic ash cloud over Britain, okay?

And if you fly through it, apparently,

it would make the plane fall out of the sky.

And it was like that was it. You couldn't fly in that.

I mean, a volcano goes off in Iceland and we can't...

What's the point of Iceland, really?

You know what I mean? What are they think...

Just fill in all the volcanoes with concrete, okay?

Just... In fact, tarmac the whole country

and make it a car park for real Europe,

because it's a waste of fucking space, okay?

And so I'm thinking, "Well, I've gotta get there.

I can't cancel."

And there were pop stars and people coming over from America,

and they were canceling their flight because they couldn't get in and out.

I thought, "I can't."

So I hired a helicopter to and from Dublin.

It cost me £12,000, right.

Just because I couldn't bear to let anyone down

or take the ferry.

That was...

They were still running, sure.

But that would have meant mixing with the general public,

and I don't...

This is about as close as I ever... you know.

So...

I don't know if you were affected by the volcanic ash cloud,

but I had friends that were stuck all over the world.

And they missed weddings and funerals,

and they had to put themselves up in a hotel

for extra days they hadn't budgeted for.

And they couldn't get their money back because the airlines were saying,

"No, we can't pay you because the insurance companies won't pay us,

because they're saying it's an act of God."

Well, what isn't an act of God?

Look, if you believe in God,

that's sort of a definition of him, isn't it?

That he does everything. Isn't that right?

Everything is an act of him.

He's all-powerful. He's everywhere at once.

He invented every... There was nothing before him.

He invented time, everything. He's across it all.

He doesn't miss a trick and he's not absent-minded.

A volcano going off isn't like him going, "Fuck, I left the oven on."

You know, it's...

And who are these insurance companies

that can decide what is and isn't an act of God?

How do they know?

Have they got a hotline to God?

They call him up, do they?

Ring ring. Ring ring.

"Yello?"

"Uh, can I speak to God, please?"

"Speaking."

"Oh, I didn't think you'd answer the phone yourself."

"What do you want?"

"Oh, um, that volcanic ash cloud... Was that you?"

"Yeah yeah.

Yes, that was an act of me, all right."

"So I shouldn't pay out?"

"No, don't fucking pay 'em a penny, son, no."

"Brilliant brilliant. While I've got you here,

did you make a tree fall on Steve Baxter's car?"

"There's a lot of Steve Baxters."

"Steve Baxter, 2 Acacia Road, Hounslow.

It happened at 2:15 on the 3rd of June this year."

"2:15, 3rd of... No, that wasn't me.

I was in Africa that day giving AIDS to babies."

He does everything. He does everything.

Mm, I don't make the rules.

And well, I'm glad I didn't cancel

because it's fantastic to be here seeing your happy smiley faces,

probably feeling very fortunate

that you managed to get a ticket to see a living legend.

- Or am I... - ( Cheering, applause )

Shut up.

I know, I know. You lucky fuckers.

You really... I'm joking, of course. The pleasure is all mine.

Thank you so much for coming out,

spending your hard-earned cash.

I know there's been a recession on.

Someone told me. I hadn't really...

Is it still... I don't...

It really didn't affect me if I'm being honest.

Oh dear.

We can laugh about it now. No, come on.

I don't understand the recession.

It wasn't till last year I found out

you could go into your bank and say,

"Can I withdraw my cash?"

And they could go, "No." "What?"

"No, we ain't got it."

"I've got £50,000 saved."

"You ain't. You ain't."

"Where is it?" "Lost it."

"Well, have you checked the vault?"

"It's empty." "Well, what was the point of that?

You might as well have kept it in a drawer, you spotty little twat."

I don't...

I hope you enjoy the show.

Or you'll let me know, won't you?

If I say something funny, you'll laugh and I'll go,

"Oh, I'll keep that in for the rest of the tour."

If I say something that isn't funny, you won't laugh

and I'll go, "I'll lose that bit."

So some bits tonight will be exclusive to you.

They... they will be the shit bits, granted.

Okay, let's start the show. Let's get on with it.

No one wants to be here all night.

You can have too much of a good thing, can't you?

Like heroin. What?

Though too much heroin is death, basically.

That's when you know you've had too...

You go, "Fuck, I'm dead. I'm fucked."

That's the thing though with heroin.

Try anything once, kids, sure, but know this.

No no.

You think, "I'll try a heroin.

I'll just try one. Give me... give me a heroin.

Give me one heroin, okay?"

Just have one. "What's it like?"

"It's fuckin' lovely.

I want more. I can't just have..."

It's like Pringles.

It's like once you pop, you can't stop.

That's... I think that's how it works. I'm not an expert.

Believe it or not, I've never been a heroin addict.