Girlboss

I am a genius.

Kiss my ass, world!

As spokesman for the world: No, thanks.

Oh, hey, Lionel.

Sorry if I'm a little overzealous. I just figured out life.

Keep that to your damn self! People are trying to sleep.

- What are you doing up so early? - I am going to work.

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Sucker!

Ow! Oh!

What the fuck?

Okay, so, I'm not a doctor,

and there's a chance I'm never gonna be one,

but my best guess is that this is a baby.

Congratulations, Mama!

It's not a baby.

I'm gonna throw you a shower. I found a place with a great patio.

I bet it's a pulled muscle.

Or... I heard about this thing

where a spider crawled into this dude's skin

and laid a bunch of eggs there, then died and then the eggs hatched,

and there were, like, a thousand dead spiders

all up in this guy's skin. Do you think it's that?

I'm gonna kill you for even suggesting it.

Oh, Sophia. Aw. I'm gonna love you no matter what.

Even if one day a thousand dead spiders trickle right out of your vag.

- Does it hurt? - No! Only when you poke it.

If you're not gonna listen, at least go to the free clinic and get it checked out.

No. No, I wouldn't be caught dead in a place like that.

Everything is free!

I've gotten, like, a thousand dental dams there.

I use them to wrap up leftovers.

- Here. - Figures.

Soon as I have an epiphany, it's coupled with a swig of a shit soda.

Okay, is that what this is? Your epiphany?

- Yeah. - Oh, my God, that jacket.

- Mm-hmm. - Oh!

My life was garbage before this moment.

Right? Oh...

And... check it out.

Ooh, Sophia, you're retrieving sexy like Jason Timberline.

Just say his name.

No. Not after what he did to Britney. No fucking way.

I bought this for nine bucks. Look how much it's going for.

Sophia, you sneaky bitch.

- Now, I can pay my rent. - Ooh!

Oh, not only that, but I can, like, live doing this forever.

I mean, all from the comforts of my small, shitty apartment.

- I never have to get another job again. - Nice.

So, Dax wants us to go rollerblading, but I don't wanna see him on rollerblades

and I don't think he wants to see me on them either.

I mean, what's the upside to this?

Annie, I'm in the middle of explaining to you how my life is changing.

Shit, you're right. Keep going.

But can you remind us to come back to the rollerblading thing?

He's gonna be in shorts, and you know how weird I am about men and their knees.

Okay, so, my next step is, I need to find more cool shit to sell

and I don't wanna wait for auction money.

So, I was up all night... scrounging for cash.

- How much you got? - $21.64.

- Not bad. - Right away I found a 20

in a pant pocket and took the rest of the night to find the $1.64.

So, if I can dig up a couple more overlooked pieces,

that's, like, $1,200 right there.

Boom! Dollar, dollar bills, y'all.

Sophia, you found something that you like doing,

and you are actually doing it.

Yep, I figured out life. There's nothing left to learn.

Except for whatever the fuck that is.

Hm.

Okay... moving on.

- Oh, excuse me. - Hm?

I know the price says 50, but would you take 20?

Price is the price.

$21.64?

Tag says 50, end of story.

I just spent the last two hours going through all your shitty old clothes.

What do you think vintage is? A nice way of saying "shitty old clothes."

Okay. Well, I'm never coming back here again.

Nothing?

You're killing me.

I would blow Dick Cheney for a top right now.

You're out of pitas? What, am I supposed to hold them?

Seen better clothes at a Rite Aid.

Just a reminder, there are no returns on bathing suit bottoms.

I mean, the tops are okay. Unless you're lactating.

And then you need to ask yourself, "Should my body be in a bikini?"

Hello, little street urchin.

What existential malaise is plaguing you today?

Your cheap stuff sucks and your good stuff is way too expensive.

Then don't buy anything, problem solved.

Problem not solved. I need to get stuff.

Ugh. "I need to get stuff."

See, right there is what ails this society.

It's that type of consumerist mentality.

- Dude, you run a store. - I like to think of us as one link

in a circular chain of sustainable clothing use.

- Word. - Thank you.

Okay, I need to get stuff

because I started reselling vintage clothes online.

- You? - Mm-hmm.

You...

You think you're responsible enough to run a business?

- Not a business. - Oh, no?

Yeah. I'm not looking to cheat people or screw taxpayers, buy elections.

Sure, you just want to exchange goods for money.

Wrong, I just wanna spend all day in my undertrunks on my bed

and still be able to eat and pay rent. It's a lifestyle, not a business.

Oh, I see. You think you can actually support yourself

with your online business.

Not a business, it was very clear.

Well, it takes a lot more than lucking into some bargains at thrift stores.

I flipped that jacket you sold me yesterday.

It's now going for over 600 bucks.

- You bratty little C-word. - You mean "cunt."

Maybe I know exactly what I'm doing.

Do you? How much time have you spent looking for more inventory to sell?

And how much have you found?

What do you know about overhead, online marketing, shipping,

customer complaints, returns?

Duh. Plenty.

Please. You may have found your acorn, my little blind squirrel,

but there is no way that someone like you can make a living at it.

Okay, go ahead, underestimate me.

That's just what I want.

I feed off that shit.

The truth is, I'm smarter than you think.

I have good instincts and common sense coming out my dumper.

I've got it all figured out.

Twenty-four ninety-nine?

- Ah. - Just a bookmark?

Yeah. Having a hell of a time keeping my place in books.

Can I have a bag?

For a bookmark?

Yeah, my husband wouldn't like it if he knew that I read.

Oh...

- Good luck to you. - Thanks.

Hey, miss.

Excuse me. Miss.

- I see that book. You're stealing it. - You don't know what you're talking about.

I saw you take that book. I'm almost certain you did not pay for it.

- Paid for it. Thank you for your service. - Let me see that receipt.

I'm so sick of being profiled all because I kind of look Indonesian.

You're the whitest girl on this block. Give me that.

They don't always put everything on there.

You need to come with me. Come on.

So, what do I get for running afoul of the asset protection associate?

Is public shaming enough?

No, no, no. We prosecute to the fullest extent of the law.

- Really? - Yes.

Fuck me in the dick.

Young women should not talk like that.

What age would be appropriate to say "fuck me in the dick"?

You'd have a better vocabulary if you read.

Yeah, what do you think this was for?

Get in there.

Let's go.

Okay, what's wrong?

I have a growth.

The pain is unimaginable.

Yeah, I've heard it all before.

"I'm sick." "My water broke." "This is a robbery, put your hands up.

"Why are you crying? I just want the money." Keep moving.

- I can't. It hurts. - Why should I believe you?

Oh! Fuck me in the dick, what is that?

Steve! Steve, get the manager!

- Sic him, Marley! - Hey!

Hey!

Yeah, don't come back! It's a family bookstore!

You wanna flash your cooch? Go to City Lights!

"Shopping garage sales.

Fancier neighborhoods have better stuff than poor or middle class ones."

No shit.

I can't believe I almost got arrested for this.

Oh, wait.

I am a dummy.

One minute she's figured out life, the next she's digging through junk mail.

The ups and downs of Miss Sophia.

Yeah, it's all part of the process.

Yes!

Is the Penny Saver number five or six

on the list of habits of highly effective people?

A, I'm not loving your attitude.

B, I'm looking for estate sales. C...