Call the Midwife

'Christmas is the celebration of a baby's birth.

'It is the story of a mother's love,

'her fear, her faith

'and her determination.

'It tells of promises fulfilled,

'a cradle rocked,

'a journey both concluded and begun.

'It is the story of all that is cherished,

'in a world where too little is known.'

..and of the Holy Ghost.

Amen.

We seek it here, we seek it there.

SHE COUGHS

Indeed, one is obliged to ask oneself

if one is in pursuit of a comestible item,

- or the Scarlet Pimpernel. - Sister Monica Joan, never mind that now.

Would you just carry on cutting out the grease-proof circles?

The mincemeat will be ready for the jar soon.

Are we going to get that tea in the clinical room or aren't we?!

Urgh, sorry, I had a problem with the desiccated coconut.

If we have to wait much longer,

you'll have a problem with a desiccated corpse - mine!

And lo, the angel Gabriel appeared

carrying the first tin of Quality Street of the season.

- PHONE RINGS - I'll get it.

Nonnatus House. Midwife speaking.

- It's our twins case. - Oh!

Yes. Yes, of course.

Yes.

SHE SIGHS

See?

You all thought me a fool to persist in my endeavours,

but behold - I have located the brandy.

SHE SPLUTTERS

Now's the time to souse the Christmas pudding.

Just don't go sousing yourself into the bargain.

You give us enough gyp when you're stone-cold sober.

Tea, now! Then you and I are off on the ulcer rounds.

SISTER MONICA JOAN COUGHS

Good afternoon, everyone...

GENERAL CHATTER ..and, uh,

- thank you... - Sh! - ..boys and girls... - Quiet! - ..for being nice and quiet

whilst the babies were being christened.

The Cradle Roll service is a very special one...

- Take one and pass it down. - ..because it's one of the few days of the year

when all the children in the parish get to come together

to celebrate being part of our big church family.

Nurse Gilbert, our Sunday school teacher,

is going to bring the children's choir to the front,

where they'll sing Silent Night

to help us start our journey towards Christmas.

- BICYCLE BELL PINGS - Merry Christmas!

# Silent night

# Holy night

# All is calm

# All is bright

- BABY WAILS LOUDLY - # Round yon virgin

- # Mother and child... # - Rosemary McConlough, Doctor.

# Holy infant

# So tender and mild... #

GAS HISSES

Oh...

Never heard such a racket!

They were flat, they weren't singing together,

and one of them was picking his nose!

But they had nobody to follow - why didn't you sing with them?

Cos I'm practically a baritone since my voice broke.

Excuse me, Mrs Turner?

Oh, Mrs Willens, wasn't that a lovely service?

And the church looked immaculate - you keep it so spick and span.

Oh, it's just elbow grease, anyone could do it.

Begging your pardon, Mrs Turner - when the nurse came for the doctor,

- were they called out to my niece? - I shouldn't say, really.

But I believe they were.

WATER BUBBLES

Hard luck, sweetie. We've fired the starter's pistol a bit too soon.

Nothing's on the move just yet.

I've had enough - I want them out now!

No cheeking the nurse, young madam.

She came into this world shouting the odds

and she's not stopped since.

Come along, Rosemary, let's see if we can get you a bit more comfortable.

The main thing is to get some rest

and remember that both babies are doing well.

KNOCK AT DOOR

How's she getting on, Eileen?

Stay nice and warm. - Walter sent some satsumas

- from his barrow. - No, it was a false alarm.

We'll have them anyway.

Plenty more where they came from.

WATER BUBBLES AND POT RATTLES

Oh, it's bitter!

A nice cup of tea, I think. COUGHING

Oh, no!

Sister!

Sister?

Can you answer me?

HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLING

What on earth's that noise?

Poor Eileen looked worn to a thread.

Rosemary's always been a madam.

Once she's had those twins, it's going to be all hands on deck.

The family will rally round to help 'em.

- We always do. - Not sure I'm wanted.

Eat your grapes.

- Good for your kidney stones. - Kidney stones don't bother me any more.

Oh, love.

I don't know why you go to that bloomin' Cradle Roll service.

- You end up in shreds every year. - How can I stay away?

And Lorna's name still on the list of members?

They don't rub it out, Walter, just cos she's not with us any more.

I know, love, I know.

Rosemary's got...

two lovely matching cots for these new twins.

On the never-never, probably!

But, aw, they do look smart.

I'm glad now I never offered her Lorna's cradle.

I'd have liked it to have had a new home.

A little life inside.

Yeah, maybe not.

Sister Monica Joan is in bed with a fever and dosed up on aspirin.

Doctor's going to call tomorrow.

- She sounded quite delirious when I went past her room. - Poor old thing.

Would it be frightfully callous to enquire about the pudding?

According to Sister Evangelina,

we'll be having Swiss roll with custard for dessert on Christmas Day.

- Oh... - She's in a perfectly savage mood. Purple cellophane?

- I think this one has Nurse Mount's name on it. - Marvellous.

The perfect accompaniment to a whisky nightcap.

You won't tempt me, I'm afraid.

Alcohol's perfectly beastly on the complexion.

Are there any coffee creams?

I need them to take away the taste of the glue.

18 down, 24 to go.

If you lick my stamps,

I'll give you what appears to be the only coffee cream in the tin.

NURSE MOUNT CHUCKLES

One for Delia - how is she?

Well, I believe.

Her mother hasn't written in a while.

Head injury can be a ghastly thing to recover from.

And she was in quite a bad way when they took her home to Wales.

I guess she was.

Now, where's that coffee cream?

- Oh. - Mmm!

TRIXIE CHUCKLES

Thank you.

I'm so glad you're here. I almost called you again.

Not I, nor He who commands us all...

Get back into bed before the hot water bottle goes cold!

KNOCK AT DOOR

Come in, any time you like.

..Nelly put a hot brick to my feet.

I knew it was winter then,

when it leached the smell of starch out of the sheets.

Sit down!

Temperature of 102, coughing like a drain and dotty as a two-bob watch.

I can see that.

SHE COUGHS

Oww!

You're going to have to lay off the mince pies, Fred Buckle,

or never mind splitting your trousers -

you're not going to fit in this Santa suit at all!

Well, the kiddies leave them out for me.

They'd be disappointed if they didn't disappear.

Yeah, but you're not the real Father Christmas, remember.

You're just one of his helpers.

Yeah, but I'd look shocking in an elf suit.

I could do with an elf or two to help me in the shop this afternoon.

I've got the entire Christmas raffle display to put in my window,

or I'll have half the Poplar shopkeepers baying for my blood.

I wish I'd never said I'd take the responsibility.

Be good for trade, though, won't it?

I've only donated a couple of balls of wool and some nappy pins.

The rest of the space is all taken up with other people's stuff.

Tins of powdered milk and I don't know what.

Well, that's not very season of goodwill.

Oww!

Pass me the scissors.

I'm not biting this, it's too close to your backside.

A high temperature and a nasty cough.

But what we don't want at her age is pneumonia.

We've been more worried about her confusion

- than her physical health lately. - Exactly.

If she goes any further down Doolally Hill,

we won't be able to look after her.

I've prescribed Distoval as a sedative.

It'll calm her down and perhaps make her behaviour less erratic.

Distoval won't bring our Christmas pudding back from the dead.

Or from the ceiling!

DOOR OPENS

We're about to go into compline.

I'll look in again afterwards.

Very well, but there's no need for you to linger.

Sister Monica Joan and I have established the rules of play

and thus far, she is abiding by them.

My mother's hands were cold, like yours.

Mother's been looming rather large this evening, I'm afraid.

That's often the way when she's unwell.

- These...sometimes help. - Hmm?