Your Family or Mine

A costume birthday dinner?

Dani's turning 23, not 10.

Why can't your sister just have a normal birthday?

It's Dani's day.

She gets to choose what she wants to do.

Well, I wanted to go as Russell Wilson from the Seahawks.

What happened to that costume?

I wanted us to match.

Who would I have gone as... a cheerleader?

Yes! I would have loved that!

Why can't your family just be normal?

I love my family. They're awesome.

What, you want them to be more like your family?

Yes. You show up, you throw out a bunch of insults

disguised as compliments, pretend to eat my mom's cooking,

watch my dad fall asleep mid-sentence, and you go home.

With your family, it's all...

Hugging for too long

and playing twister games with your sisters

that make me very uncomfortable,

and your dad making us talk about our feelings all the time.

Oliver, he's a psychology professor.

Of course he does that. Feelings are his jam.

I hope Dani likes the psychic I got her for her present.

I'm sure she's gonna love it.

I'm just glad it's coming from you and not me.

Why?

Because if the psychic gave someone a bad reading,

your family would blame me for it

and call me the birthday ruiner... again.

Well, you have ruined a lot of birthdays

at my parents' house.

Whatever... I guess it's better

than what they called me when we were first dating.

"Small-iver"?

Like it's my fault your dad is unnaturally tall.

Hey, you got a text. It's from Dani.

"Canceled the costume part of the party.

Forgot to tell you"!

Well, I don't know. Maybe we should go like this anyway.

Dressing up is fun. I love my crown, and...

I'll turn around... "Small-iver."

Okay, everybody, look at me.

- Grandpa! - Hey, Munchkins.

- Aww. - Look at you, so beautiful.

- Hi, dad. - Mwah.

Hey, Gil.

Oliver, get in here.

Oh, come on! Real hug!

It's a torso, not a hornets' nest.

Let's try that again.

Mm.

Okay, that was too much.

Not sure it's appropriate to press Peters

with your wife and children right here.

- There they are. - Grandma!

Hugs! Hugs!

Oh, and there's my angel.

- Hi, mom. - Mm!

And Oliver, my favorite son-in-law.

Aw. Your only son-in-law, but thank you.

Jan, be careful. He got a little handsy with me.

Hey, girls, Dougie's downstairs if you want to go play with him.

Best not to bring your toys.

He'll probably break them.

Okay!

What's going on here?

On, Enzo's installing a TV for us.

He is so handy.

Hear that, Oliver? "Handy," not "handsy."

So, Shawni's boyfriend is installing a TV?

Are you guys sure he knows what he's doing?

I know he knows what he's doing.

He's great with everything. I love that guy.

Oh, yeah, he's the best.

And your sister says he has a tongue like a hummingbird.

I'm just glad I finally talked Gil

into putting a TV in the living room.

I need it for the big surprise I have planned

for Dani's birthday.

Plus, "Scandal"!

Right?

Happy Birthday, nugget!

- Hey, sister! - Hi.

Hey, Oliver.

Happy Birthday, Dani.

I can't believe my sweet pea is 23.

Oh, neither can I.

- But it's okay. I got a fake I.D. - For what?

To get into clubs that don't let in people over 22.

There are clubs like that?

Tons! 'Cause who wants to party

with a bunch of old people, right?

I better get back to the kitchen.

I have two cakes to make...

A regular one for Dani and a vegan one for Shawni.

It's the same cake.

I just spell out "happy birthday" in carrots.

So, Dani, when you blow out your candles,

what are you gonna wish for?

A puppy that fits in one hand and can say "I love you."

And for you to not ruin my birthday.

Come on, Dani. That only happened a couple times.

And it won't happen again.

I mean it's not gonna be like the game.

Honey, we don't need to bring that up.

We talking about the game? Great story.

There's really no reason to tell the story.

Remember, Dani? That game we used to play as kids.

You know, where the whole family would anonymously write down

what they thought of everyone else,

and each person has a can in front of them,

and they read what everyone wrote?

This is so exciting.

We haven't played this game in years.

Shawni, why don't you go first since it's your birthday.

Okay.

"You look so beautiful today. I love you."

Aww. Aww.

"You always make me laugh.

You're the best sister [Lin the world"!

Aww.

Stop the game!

- What? - Yeah, w-we have to stop the game

and start over. I didn't understand the rules.

- I'm just gonna collect - "You look ridiculous.

Pick a personality and stay with it."

Oh, my God. Who would write that?

Wha... honey, you said anonymous...

"They invented breath mints for a reason"?

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry...

"Only strippers should dress like strippers."

What?!

God damn it, Small-iver!

Okay, in my defense,

when my brothers and I played games like that,

we played them very differently.

Wait, is the psychic here yet?

Yes. She's all set up in dad's office.

Thank you guys so much.

I'm working on all the questions I want to ask her.

"Will I be famous?"

That's all I have so far.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Shawni.

Mm.

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

How can you be late? You live in the basement.

What happened?

Uh, what didn't happen?

Dougie turned on the stove and then didn't tell me about it,

and then I couldn't find my left shoe,

and then my stupid burner phone ran out of minutes.

Seriously, you guys should be having a party for me

after the day I've had.

But, you know, it's not your birthday. It's Dani's.

I have a birthday, too, you know.

Yeah. But it's not today.

Hey, Shawni, did you know Kelli got a psychic?

Maybe she could tell me about my birth parents.

Shawni, you're not adopted.

You don't know that. Maybe I am.

I mean, I'm not saying that some king somewhere had an affair

and then, you know, shipped the baby off to Seattle

and that I'm actually a princess...

But I'm not not saying it, you know?

Hey, so, since I don't have my questions yet,

do one of you guys want to go first?

Kelli, you should go. You paid for it.

Okay. Wish me luck!

Okay. So, I promise not to tell anybody...

What are you planning to do to ruin Dani's birthday?

I don't have a plan.

'Cause I'm not gonna ruin her birthday, I swear.

Come on. That's what you said about my mom's birthday, remember?

I do remember, but there's no need to bring that up.

We talking about the cake?

Okay! I picked up the cake.

Aw, thanks, babe.

- Hey, Shawni. - Hey.

This is my boyfriend, Axel.

- Hey, Axel. How are you? - Hi, Axel.

Cool.

Oli, did you check this,

make sure they spelled her name right?

This place messes up sometimes.

Um, yep.

Holy shit!

Oh, dear God, that cake is a vagina!

Okay, maybe I forgot to check it.

Oh, Axel, come and check out this vag cake.

We... we can't give this cake to mom.

We have no cake.

God damn it, Small-iver! You ruined Jan's birthday!

Now, come on.

The birthday's not ruined.

We can just cut the vagina part off.

See, we'll use the knife.

See?

You know, that was really the bakery's fault.