Scrubs

Since I was a kid, I've been able to sleep through anything.

Storms, sirens, you name it. Last night, I didn't sleep.

I guess I get a little goofy when I'm nervous.

You see, today isn't just any other day.

It's my first day.

I'm the man.

Three years of pre-med, four years of med school and tons of unpaid loans

have made me realize one thing...

Could you go drop an NG tube on the patient in 234

and call the attending if the lavage is positive?

I don't know Jack.

So this is my story.

I'm supposed to be up in intensive care.

Good, we just turfed him there.

I became a doctor to help people,

but orientation yesterday...

It didn't really focus on patient care.

The hospital doesn't wanna be sued.

Being sued is not a good thing.

- Hey, Turk? - What's up?

You know how I'm totally down with the rap music?

Dude, be whiter.

Chris Turk's my best friend. We roomed together in college.

We roomed together in med school.

Hell, we even got accepted by the same hospital.

Here's the thing. Tupac, DMX, Dr. Dre,

in most of their songs, these artists use an extremely volatile racial slur...

- The "N" word. - I got it.

Right. My question is this: If we're both singing along,

and knowing otherwise I would never use the word,

- am I allowed to say... - No.

That's good for me to know. I didn't know that.

Finally, doctors, if there is a mistake,

don't admit it to the patient.

Of course, if the patient is deceased, and you're sure...

you can feel free to tell him or her... anything.

Hey, I found us an apartment.

Okay, gang, I'm Dr. Bob Kelso, and I'm your Chief of Medicine,

so I just want to encourage you all to think of me as your safety net.

Because I promise you, we're a family here.

Now, then, go get 'em, doctors.

The surgical interns are gonna go grab a beer.

The medical interns are having a Pac-Man tournament.

Apparently, we're all twelve.

I love Pac-Man.

Me, too. I love watching it, I, I, I love playing it,

I love all of it.

- I'm Elliot. - Ell-i-ot...

Yeah, don't do that.

I'm J.D. This is Turk.

Elliot, are you medical or surgical?

Medical.

Ha-ha! Hello.

Every male in my family is a doctor.

My dad, granddad, brother. That's why Dad gave me a guy's name,

made me play sports, date girls. I'm joking.

I know. I would've laughed if you'd paused.

Anyway, I know what you're thinking.

Your butt looks like two Pringles hugging.

- No, you don't. - I'm Miss "Hyper-Competitive."

It used to be a big problem for me. Used to. Past tense.

Hey.

Are we, like, racing?

Yes!

Please, I'm not that desperate.

No!

- - So, you do a lot of cardio?

Oh, yes.

Elliot Reid? John Dorian? Great.

One, I am your resident, Dr. Jeffrey Steadman. Not "Jeff".

Two, here are your manuals.

Notice how quickly some people make an impression?

I am a tool. I am a tool. I am a tool, tool, tool.

- An unbelievably annoying tool. - Yeah.

Yeah. Finally, these are your beepers. From now on, they control your life.

Okay? Thanks. Move it.

- Back to today. -

- I was, uh, I was paged. - Oh, first day, Bambi?

Carla will take care of you. Don't look at me when we're moving someone.

Why?

- We're waiting for Dr. Cox. - Hi, doctor...

- Place an IV for me. - We'll talk later.

Carla, can I ask you a question?

Do you spray the perfume on or fill your bathtub up

- and splash around in it? - I smell nice.

You've done this to cadavers before. This guy's alive.

Just poke it through his skin. Now!

Time's up. Carla, will you do it?

- I need an ABG. - Why are you telling her?

- Shut up and watch. - Be nice to Bambi.

Why has this gomer got to try and die every day during my lunch?

- That's a little insensitive. -

Mistake.

Man's 92, has full dementia. He doesn't know we're here.

He is inches from Carla's rack and hasn't even flinched.

- Aw, that is so sweet. - Yeah, it is.

What about his subconscious?

Eisenhower... was a sissy.

I think by the grace of God, we're gonna be okay.

Oh, and from now on, whenever I'm in the room,

you're definitely not allowed to talk.

Now, Dr. Dorian, can you tell me what ailment most often...

I think I'm gonna love rounds. It's like being on a game show.

- - What is uremia?

That's my boy. Hey, nice clean job on the foley catheter.

I had a nurse do it. I'm still afraid to touch anybody.

I've been thinking a lot about Elliot. A whole lot.

Dr. Reid, you're late.

I got puked on.

You're off the hook if you can tell me what to look for in a uremic patient.

Anyway, I'm going for it.

- Infection. - Infection?

That's my girl. Moving on.

- I knew the answer. - I'm sure you did.

- I'm just frazzled. - How could you not be?

- With the... - I know, yeah.

Thanks. If there's anything I can do for you...

You could let me take you to dinner tomorrow night.

Around seven?

Or eight?

Why not?

Nice!

"Why not?" That's what she said.

"Why not?"

Daddy, why did you marry Mommy?

Well, Tiger, I gave her an answer during rounds

and she screwed my brains out.

- - You're the man.

- What the hell are you doing? -

Did you actually just page me

to find out how much Tylenol to give to Mrs. Lenzer?

I was worried it could exacerbate...

It's regular-strength Tylenol. Here's what you do.

Get her to open her mouth, take a handful, and throw it at her.

Whatever sticks, that's the correct dosage.

And under no circumstances are you to compromise our no-talking agreement.

Dr. Kelso is always saying "You gotta stay posi..."

I'm gonna go ahead and say this just as carefully as possible,

so I don't overstate it.

Dr. Kelso is the most evil human being on the planet

and may in fact be Satan himself.

It's just that this isn't what I expected, you know?

Most of my patients are...

older, and sorta checked-out, mentally.

Pumpkin, that's modern medicine.

Advances that keep people alive who should've died a long time ago.

Back when they lost what made them people.

Now, your job is to stay sane enough

so when someone does come in that you actually can help,

you're not so brain-dead you can't function.

For the love of God, what?

Should we be talking about this in front of...

Her? She's dead.

Write this down, newbie. If you push around a stiff,

nobody'll ask you to do anything.

You've been like a father to me.

Fair enough. Want some real advice?

If they find out nurses are doing your procedures,

you'll be kicked out so quick, your head will spin.

And there it is.

Have a terrific day.

I'm not really dead.

Okay, Bambi, here's Mrs. Lenzer's tox screen...

I wonder if Turk's having the same experience I am?

- I am such a stud. - Probably not.

This morning, I had my hands inside of a guy's chest.

I couldn't even see them. I should not be allowed to do stuff like that.

Wassup?

- You weren't scared? - One way or another,

everyone stops bleeding.

- That is so deep. - No, it isn't.

It's a little deep.

Hey, about the apartment...

T-Man!

What up, boy, how you doing?

- All right. - Todd, J.D.

J.D., this is my man Todd.

What's goin'... Ow!

And like that, I was back in high school.

Surgical interns are all slice 'em and dice 'em. The jocks.

Medical interns, we're trained to think about the body.

Diagnose, test. Medical interns, well...

You got a stain.

We're the chess club.

I just have bad gas. What are you testing me for?

We need to know if your gas could be harmful to others.

He's just scared. Talk to him.

Look, Mr. Burski, I heard a systolic murmur in your heart,

which is most likely nothing, but if I don't check you out,

- I'll worry about you all day. - Then I'll do it. For you.

You're a good man.

Dr. Farley, call O.B.G.Y.N.

Dr. Farley, call O.B.G.Y.N.

I'm waiting for someone.

The door is broke. Probably the fifth time or so it don't open.

Maybe there's a penny stuck in there.

- Why a penny? - I don't know.

- Did you stick a penny in it? - No, I was making small talk.

If I find a penny in there... I'm taking you down.

Welcome to rounds, kids.