My Fellow Americans

It has been described as one of the most vicious

presidential races in the history of American politics.

And one of the closest.

The Republican nominee,

Senator Russell P. Kramer of Ohio,

is practically dead even in the polls with his bitter rival,

Democratic Governor Matt Douglas of Indiana.

To say there is no love lost between these two candidates

is a gross understatement.

And yet, tonight, in spite of their almost overwhelming

distaste for each other,

one of these men will have to salute the other

as the next President of the United States.

Thank you!

Thank you! God bless you!

What was once a dream is now a reality.

We love you!

You know, I've always said

that our dreams are like our children.

They need encouragement and support to grow.

They must be nurtured and sheltered

but allowed to run free.

We are here to help your dream become real, America.

And I'm confident that we'll be here

for a long, long time to come!

And so it appears the American people have spoken.

A few minutes ago,

I congratulated Governor Douglas on his victory.

We fought bravely, but the time has come for us

to stand behind our new president

and put aside any feelings of ill will,

rancor,

hostility,

and serious doubts about this man's ability to lead a nation...

That I hope none of us feels.

A funny thing happened on the way to the office tonight.

I got elected president of the United States!

A funny thing happened on the way to the hotel tonight.

No, the people have spoken.

Maybe we don't agree with their decision...

How are you? Congratulations.

What a night!

I think it's time, sir.

Well, all right, then. How about it?

Shall we greet the nation, Mr. Vice president elect?

I guess so. But are we sure it's official, sir?

Ted, President Douglas just conceded.

I'd say that's a pretty damn good sign.

Oh. Yeah.

Let's go. Yep.

HANEY!

I have always believed that dreams are like children.

They need encouragement and support to grow.

But ultimately, it is perseverance

that will turn a dream into a reality,

countries into world powers,

and your own Hiroshi Ashino

into Matsamuda's insurance underwriter of the year.

Congrats.

What the hell?

Jesus Christ.

The damn thing just grabbed me.

What the hell am I supposed to do, knock it down?

You handled it very well, sir. Oh, you think so, Caldwell?

Well, tomorrow morning there's going to be a picture of me dancing with a giant dog

in every newspaper on this planet.

I believe it was a panda, sir. The dark fur around the eyes.

Why a Japanese company would choose--

I don't care.

Did Jefferson dance with a bear? Did Lincoln?

Did Reagan fox trot with a friggin' panda? I could check, sir.

The point is I was President of the United States.

I don't dance with animals.

Yes, sir. No dancing with animals, sir.

Sir, message from the President.

Oh, thanks, Jim. Jim's off today, sir. I'm Bruce.

Oh, sorry.

You and Jim look very much alike.

Jim's black, sir.

Yeah.

I know.

But you're both...

Uh, tall.

Aw, damn it, he's sending me to another funeral.

I can't believe I just did it with Matt Douglas.

You were the leader of the free world.

My mother has a commemorative plate with your face on it.

Joanna, you haven't said anything about my book,

the new draft. Better?

Well, um...

I'm your editor.

Keep in mind I'm supposed to be critical.

It, um-- It stinks, right?

No, it doesn't stink. I would never--

Yeah, it is pretty stinky. I'm sorry.

It's just you spend too much of the book

talking about what you wanted to do and didn't do

instead of what you did. That's because I didn't do much.

How's that for honesty?

I believe that's yours.

Look, Joanna, if the book goes,

if it doesn't go, I don't really care.

I'm only writing it 'cause, frankly,

I don't know what else to do.

I'm sure you've got plenty of options. Not really.

But I'll tell you one thing, I'll never be like Kramer. Running around the country

sucking up every dime that isn't nailed down.

Now, Jimmy Carter, there's a class act.

He goes around building homes for poor people

with his own hands. That's classy.

Well, you could do that.

Yeah, yeah, maybe. In a couple of years.

But right now, my attitude is

they didn't vote for me, let 'em freeze.

That was a little too easy. You guys are getting soft.

Mr. President, once again, we really wish you wouldn't do that.

You put yourself at great risk, sir.

Oh, yeah, right. Let me ask you something.

In all the years ex-presidents

have had secret-service protection, has there ever been

even one assassination attempt on any of them?

Uh, no, sir.

I find that sad.

The minute you're out of office,

they don't care enough about you to kill you anymore.

People are fickle.

Uh, sir, before we go in, Chet and I would really like to know

how you got out of that bathroom stall

without us seeing.

Why don't you guys just relax?

Take a night off. Go rent In the Line of Fire again.

We'll be at Air Force One shortly, President Douglas.

I hate these funerals.

It's just awful when another good Democrat passes on.

I believe the deceased was a Republican, sir.

Oh. Well, then, it might not be so bad.

Hello, baby.

Daddy's home.

Mr. President.

And there's the old seat.

President Douglas.

President Kramer.

Uh-huh.

Well, that covers that.

Russell, I just have to ask.

Hmm?

When you dance with a panda...

Who leads?

What, are you working on your book?

Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

I find writing very gratifying. I must.

I've written seven books on my years at the helm.

You've obviously got a great knack for fiction.

And how is Mrs. Douglas?

We're in the middle of a divorce.

Oh, yeah. I knew that, didn't I?

I guess life in the White House

put too much of a strain on your marriage.

No, it was being out of the White House

that Katherine couldn't stand. Well, gee, that's funny.

Your being out of the White House went over so well with the rest of the country.

Oh, yeah, you want to compare popularity polls?

Yeah, let's talk about popularity.

There was only one assassination attempt on me.

You had three.

Two! The woman in Phoenix doesn't count!

She only had a starter pistol!

Stop. Just stop.

We're only together because a man has died.

I think that we can attempt some semblance of civility, can't we?

Well, I know I can.

You're a whore. Admit it. Admit you're a big whore. Go ahead.

Name three women from the District of Columbia

that you didn't bang when you were in office.

What am I talking about? Name one.

Screw you. Blow me.

When I appointed general Charles Sherman

to the Joint Chiefs,

I knew that he was a man with a dream.

And I have always believed that dreams are like our children.

Buy a new speech, Russell.

That dead general's the lucky one.

He won't ever have to hear it again.

Grab me a towel, would you, Carl?

You know, I don't like to be interrupted when I'm on the bike.

What's going on?

Mr. President, I'm afraid a situation's come up.

The Democrats may have some damaging information

about Olympia.

Sir... Olympia?

We've had that buried for years. Yes, sir.

But I was thinking, when all this took place,

Kramer was president.

There's a possibility we could lay the scandal on him.

Yeah, but he didn't know anything about that little deal.

Could always make it appear that he did.

A little fiddling with the records,

some judicious rewriting of history.

Oh, I don't know, Carl. That's tricky stuff.

You know, you get into that kind of thing,