Drive Share

Hey, so we're just gonna make a left up here,

going to St. Martha's Vineyard.

Oh sweet. Is that a--

Just for brunch. Mimosa's bottomless.

Actually if you can make a right up here. We're picking up Jenny.

She's... she's real sweet.

She's, um...

she's not from here. She's Australian.

- Oh, awesome. -Yeah. So she doesn't, like, understand

a lot of the things we say, but it's partially 'cause she's not from here

and partially 'cause she's, like, a little stupid.

She's very stupid.

- But she's, you know-- - She's your friend.

She's my friend. She's a really nice person.

- Right, right. - But she's just like dumb as bricks

and, like, kind of slutty. Like, I mean I don't wanna, like, say this about her

because she's my friend but, like...

she'll just like put her mouth on anything.

Last night we went out and I was, like, talking to this guy

and I was like, "Oh, you're cute. You look like you have money."

- And then she just swoops right in. - Oh.

And was just like drooling from the mouth, like she's just ready to go down.

- Yeah. -Yeah, no, she's good, great to go dancing with,

but I just, like, I fucking hate her.

I mean she drives me crazy and her voice kind of...

it feels like nails on a chalkboard, you know?

- Oh! -But like it's a, it's a, like...

ugh, a grossed out feeling you get.

But at the end of the day because you're both women...

- Yeah. - You feel a bond.

No, I feel competitive and angry.

Yeah, just right up here. Great.

- See how she's, like, kind of dumpy? -Oh.

And, like, it's just kind of a mess.

Hey, sweetie girl. How are you? I missed you.

- I know. I missed you too. - I love your outfit. You look so comfy.

Thank you!

- This is nice! - Thank you.

Oh my God, is it plastic?

Look at that. Little newborn baby. Congratulations, everybody.

- Thank you. - Thank you, we're so excited.

I can feel the love you guys have for each other in the car.

- Top flight parents of the year. - Oh, yeah.

Are you gonna be using the phone? The phone is gonna be on?

Yes, I'm using the GPS, just trying to get you

to your destination the most efficient way possible.

I got you. Um, we, we, would rather you not.

- Okay... -Just 'cause, I mean, we got a baby, you know?

I don't want you to look down, look back up right into the back of a truck.

You know, um... technically, there's nothing wrong with that.

I kind of know, it's just for backup, you know.

So you're saying you know where we live?

How would you know where we lived?

- How-- - 'Cause you gave me the address.

See, this is already unsafe.

We just had a baby and people know where we live.

Okay. I'm not gonna do nothing to you.

I don't care about you or your bab--

You don't care? You are driving us!

I mean, we have a newborn child.

You need to care. We need you to care.

I care, but I mean,

I don't care to get in your business.

Okay. Well-- okay.

I'll put it on airplane mode?

Please don't put it on airplane mode.

This baby is too young to be flying.

Okay, I'll just turn it off.

What neighborhood are you taking us through?

I'm seeing way too many dairy stores.

- Our baby is lactose intolerant. - Yeah, already.

That's not gonna affect the baby's digestive system.

- It's just a store. - Are you a doctor?

I'm not a doctor. I'm not a doctor.

Yeah, I didn't think you were a doctor.

I'm scared of this man. He's not woke.

- You asleep right now? - I apologize.

I appreciate the love that you two have for each other and your baby, you know.

Before you said you didn't care about us, so it made me a little nervous.

I don't know who to trust. You got two faces. You must be a Gemini.

How do you know my horoscope? I am a Gemini.

- You owe me 20 dollars. - Why?

- Pete and Maggie had a baby, they didn't break up. - You know what?

She bet me that our friends wouldn't stay married, that they would break up.

That makes me seem like a really negative person.

Every one of our friends that's gotten married,

- you've bet against the marriage. - That's true. And what am I?

I'm at seventy-five percent success.

- My wife was similar. - Similar to what?

- My wife would always bet against... -Oh.

- Oh, okay. - Other people's relationships.

It turns out it was just her way of expressing pessimism

about her relationship with me that she was actually in.

- That's what I said. -I 'm not betting against it. I just don't think--

I said your inherent mistrust of the institution of marriage

makes me concerned about our marriage.

- Oh, God. -Did you have kids, your wife and you?

- No, no. - Let's not.

- We're talking about-- - We're not talking about it.

- We're talking about not having one. - We're talking about it.

It's one of the things you're talking about in therapy.

You know what, you carry it.

If you wanna have it, then you find a way to get pregnant and carry it.

That's such a passive-aggressive... like "you carry it."

When you know that's not possible.

- I know. I don't wanna do it. - I would if I could.

- Oh, really? - I would love nothing more

than to have that bond,

to have those months.

Where would you carry the baby?

In in my uterus, in my male uterus.

- You know how many hours-- - Like the movie Junior.

...a day-- Like the movie Junior?

Where Arnold Schwarzenegger gets pregnant.

You know what else happens to your vagina?

It gets so stretched out,

that every time you walk, you're queefing.

- So do some Kegels. - No, it doesn't--

I've been begging you to do Kegels for years.

Why don't you get a smaller dick?

Wow.

It's a red flag in relationships when you start resenting basic biological realities.

Some women would love to be with a guy who has a large member.

- It's not just large. - That's like a covetable thing.

No, no. Sir, sir, it's not just large,

it's very big at the top

and then it narrows down when it gets to the base.

- Yeah, Slugger. - Yeah, it's a Louisville Slugger.

It's like a Louisville Slugger. Do you know what that feels like?

Who are we picking up?

- Kylie. - Kylie.

- And she's a good friend of yours? - She's such a sweet girl.

She's really close.

So you guys had a big time last night?

We did. We had a really nice time.

- Really good time. I had so much fun. - Met a special guy.

Yeah, how was that for you?

It was nice. I hope you don't feel bad about that.

No, no, I want you to be happy. You're my friend.

He's so sweet. And I think his type is kind of like sweet and pretty girls.

So I could-- I sort of see what happened there.

- Yeah. - With you, no...

- Right. I'm-- -You're like a... you're like a glamazon.

You're like a sexy glamazon leather jacket kind of girl.

Yeah, more like a busty--

And I'm just like a sweet and pretty girl.

Did you blow him?

- I mean I don't wanna-- - Did you? Just tell me.

- Oh, did you? - Is the driver, um...

- It's okay, I don't-- -Driver, can you cover your ears for a second?

There's no way for me to physically drive while I cover my ears.

Did you fucking blow him?

Yeah.

Hey, you slut!

- - Clearly, I know what happened.

- Sorry? -I know that you blew the guy. It's...

- How did-- what? - You're being such a perv right now.

We're trying to have a conversation.

Yeah, it's pretty inappropriate to speak to me like that.

What's your number? What's your like registration number?

- Do you have a special number? -I can give you my thing. You can rate me at the end.

- Yeah. -And just so you know, I can rate you guys also, so...

Let me just see if she's coming.

Look, I took this picture from under her skirt yesterday.

- - Ah!

She's got much thicker legs than I realized.

Oh God, she's never gonna make it out.

She's always late, it's very embarrassing for her.

She's always like, "This shirt or this shirt? Do I look fat in this shirt?"

And it's like, "Yes, you should've dropped ten pounds before you left the house."

- Yeah, she looks fat in everything. - Oh, there she is.

- Hi! How are you? - Hi! I'm so sorry.

You guys weren't waiting long, right?

- A little while, but it's fine. - It was fine.

I wasn't that hungry. So now I am hungry.

- She's so quiet. - He ain't got time to talk.

- We named her Naomi. - Oh, Naomi.

It means pleasant. That's in the Bible.

Yeah, Naomi Campbell. That's the one that comes to mind.

- Oh, don't-- - Don't put that on our child.

Just saying Naomi Campbell's a world-renowned model--

My baby is not gonna be a model. My baby's gonna be a scientist.

A scientist or the first female NFL quarterback.

First, I think you don't care about your baby if you want her to be a NFL quarterback.

- Do you know how they get concussions-- -Are you a doctor?

- I saw concussion. - Did you go to medical school?

- Have you not seen concussion? -No. But I saw Draft Day, and there was no women in it.

Okay, I don't need to watch Kevin Costner movies 'cause I think he's flat in all of them.

He was fantastic in the Bodyguard. You stop that.

- Whitney Houston carried that role. - Don't know who that is.

- Kevin Costner is flat. - I don't trust this man. Please, don't--

I'm sorry, I just-- I just found an area to bond. I'm sorry.

- That's right. - I forgot to put the "Baby On Board."

- Oh my God. You wanna turn around. - We need to go back.

Why go back because you forgot to put a sticker on?

We've been driving this whole time without it.

Nobody knew we had a baby on board.

Okay, we could just put it back on and continue.

It's not gonna retroactively make your baby safer

- if we go all the way back. - Are you doctor?