MacGruber

- The son of a bitch skinned Constantine

then used his fucking skin

as a protective barrier from the fire.

Jesus.

- Keep an eye on our six, Dawkins.

He's out there somewhere.

On it.

Can't wait to light this dude up

like the fucking 4th of July.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Hold your fire! Hold your fire!

Just a squirrel.

Dawkins.

Dawkins!

Looking for this?

Yoo-hoo.

MacGruber!

- Sir, just got a call from DHS,

all borders are secure. - Good.

Alert JSOC we're going to Threatcon Delta.

Need to catch these bastards.

Barrett.

- Victoria, what are you doing here?

We need to talk.

- Honey, I'm really up against it right now.

- I want to have a child with you.

What?

Look, I'm sorry.

I know you're really up against it right now,

but I'm finally ready, and I just had to tell you.

I'm sorry it's taken me so long,

but I've been scared.

Like mess my pants scared.

And I'm not scared anymore.

- Does this have anything to do with MacGruber?

Absolutely not.

Then what's changed?

- Last night, when you told me MacGruber was dead,

I went home and it hit me like a ton of feathers.

I've been sitting around

waiting for some prince charming

when all along, my Shrek

has been standing right in front of me the whole time.

And I don't want to wait one more second

for my fairy tale ending.

You mean that, Mrs. Fasoose?

More than anything.

My decision's final.

I want to start a family with you.

- You have no idea how happy that makes me.

Oh.

Thank you, Victoria.

Let's start tonight, okay?

I say we try a bunch of times.

Throw as much spaghetti against the wall as you can muster

and see what sticks.

Really get it up there.

Mm-hmm.

Sound like a plan, Stan? - It's a date, Kate.

- Well, I'll let you get back to work, Kirk.

And good luck with the terrorists.

- Babe, I'm gonna hit the head. Will you grab me some Combos?

Yep.

What you looking at, freak?

Be that way.

- Rodney, wait. Where are you going?

To kick ass.

Fuck you.

Perfect.

You forgot one thing...

MacGruber.

They said you were dead.

I'm sorry, Vick,

I know it'd be a lot easier for you if I had died.

- I don't know what you're talking about.

I think you do.

Rose buds, candles, champagne,

chocolate covered strawberries.

You're making a child tonight, aren't you?

- Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.

So I guess it's true,

you really have moved on.

I guess so.

Well, then we'll just

have to keep things strictly professional.

I like this song, Vick. - Thank you.

- No, thank you for putting such a big night

on hold and joining this mission.

What? What mission?

MacGruber.

I came as soon as I could.

And the gang's all here.

Look, we got a lot to cover, Vicki.

Piper's already been debriefed. - Hey, Vicki.

Hi, Piper. Look, I'm sorry.

You guys have to leave. You cannot be here right now.

Tonight is a very important night

for me and my husband, who will be home any second.

- Vicki, please just hear us out.

Two days ago, I was dropped off in the desert

and exchanged for a little girl and a fucking dog.

And you'll never guess who was behind it.

- Queeth. - Piper!

What? You told me.

- Yeah, but Vicki didn't know yet.

Remind me to mess up your next big story

that you're excited to tell.

So yeah, anyway it was Queeth.

- I'm sorry, I don't know who that is.

- Brigadier Commander Enos Queeth.

- Piper! - Jesus Christ.

- No, go ahead. You want it so bad, go, say it.

Come on, let's hear all about him.

Be my guest.

- Oh, thank you so much for giving me permission

to tell my own story.

Brigadier Commander Enos Queeth,

elite special forces leader turned American traitor.

He's been off the grid for 20 years

rotting away in a Burkina Fasonian prison.

And guess who put him there?

Piper, you want to ruin this one, too?

I did.

So needless to say, we don't exchange Christmas cards,

especially after what he did to my family.

- Oh no, what'd he do to your family?

Doesn't matter.

All that matters now is that we take him out,

for good this time.

And I'm the only one who can do it

'cause I'm the only one who knows what he's up to.

What is he up to?

- My gut tells me that Queeth is planning

to unleash a major chemical weapon

somewhere on American soil.

What? Oh, my God.

- Don't worry, we still have a chance to stop him,

but we're running out of time.

So what do you say?

Piper's in.

- I didn't say that. - But you're about to.

Look, Vicki,

I understand that you're trying

to bring a new life into this world,

but if we don't stop Queeth,

there might not be a world left to bring that child into.

- I'll give you 24 hours, but that's it.

Thank you.

Hey, Pipe.

Have you ever seen the movie "The Outsiders?"

No.

Do it for Johnny.

What does that mean?

- That's something they say in that movie.

Let's get something straight.

If I do this, I'm doing it for my family.

Are we clear? - Loud and.

Piper the family man.

Never thought I'd see the day.

I'm already regretting this.

Okay, let's go. We can take my Jeep.

Nice try, Piper,

but we're gonna need something with a little

more juice.

Sir, just got word.

The dispersal devices are now in our possession.

- Well, we got our Christmas stockings.

Now all we have to do is stuff them with coal.

Hey, sorry, Vick.

Between serving a life sentence

and doing that suicide mission for my country,

never had a chance to clean up our wedding decorations.

Oh, I hadn't noticed.

Oh, shoot. Barrett's calling.

- No, don't answer it. Don't answer it.

- Don't you want the help of the United States government?

- Look, I don't know how far down

the rabbit hole this thing goes.

So until we know more, we got to keep this

in the inner circle and not including of our dong husbands.

- I thought you said we were gonna

keep this professional.

- I always keep things professional,

and you both know that. - Hmm.

- Good, because I think Barrett could be a huge asset.

- A huge ass head? Yeah, I don't disagree.

Face!

Piper gets it.

Oh, look, he's calling again.

If I don't answer, he's gonna know something's wrong.

- Okay, fine, but say exactly what I tell you to.

Just answer the way you'd normally answer your phone.

- Hello? - Hi, sweetie.

Still stuck at work. Where are you?

Where am I?

Make up something. - I'm at the park.

- You're in the park? - No, no, no.

No, I'm not at the park.

What made you say that?

You must've misheard me. I'll try to speak more clearly.