Big Mouth

- -Ow! Fucking mosquitoes.

Yeah, baby, sleepaway camp!

No parents, s'mores, and I'll bet someone we know is gonna get Lyme disease.

Yeah, probably.

What's wrong? You don't wanna see your friend get more and more tired?

No, I just been thinking about what Andrew said this morning.

Oh, about how you're a bad person and a piece of shit,

and he don't wanna be friends with you no more?

Yeah, all those things. I mean, is he right?

Nick Birch! The Westchester Molester.

Hey, Seth Goldberg,

the Butterball from Montreal.

Who is this person?

Dude, wait, check it out. I found a duck egg. Feel how smooth it is.

Ew! Nasty!

But wait. But taste it. They taste like regular eggs.

-I don't wanna taste your eggs! -They taste like regular eggs!

-I don't wanna taste your eggs! -

Oh, shit, that's his nut. This boy's delightful.

Yeah, that's Seth. He's my camp best friend.

All right! Fuck Andrew.

I'm glad he's staying in Bridgeton.

Yeah, we've got Seth.

Oh, Nick, look, a mongoose is trying to eat the duck egg.

Okay, that does not look like a mongoose.

-That just looks like a child's dick. -Ooh.

Welcome back, bitches.

Woo! They put us in the bunk with the cool city girls.

They got so many serums and lotions and potions.

Yeah. Maybe I'll finally learn how to pluck my--

Your nipple hairs?

I was gonna say eyebrows. You noticed them?

The thing is, your nipple hairs are black, but the rest of your hairs are red. Why?

- -Jessi, I heard you're moving to the city.

-Yes, you bitch. -Hmm. Close, but bad.

We gotta get you Manhattan-ready.

Hey! New York, up your nose with a hot dog.

Jessi, honey, you need to stop talking.

Okay, let's start with this sheet mask.

Oh, okay. What does, um... What does this do?

It's gonna raise your eyes.

Yes! Let's raise those eyes.

Um, hey, guys, this mask is starting to burn a little bit

in a way that I'm not sure if that's on purpose or...

Oh, no. We put it on upside down.

- Oh, my God, you did? -Oops. Your eyes are lower now.

-What? -It's fine.

We'll just paint your eyebrows really thick.

-Maybe put a cigar in your mouth. -

Oh, yeah, that's better.

- -Yo, Nick, check it out.

I brought Canadian Swedish fish just for us.

It's smoky.

Yeah, that's... It's 'cause it's fish.

Hey, whose bed is this?

I think it's Gabe's. No one's seen him yet.

Is he coming back to camp? I haven't heard from him all year.

Last summer Gabe urinated in my liquid soap.

Yeah, Milk, and it was fucking hilarious.

Shut the fuck up, Milk.

My dad's friend Bob Reedy got me an iPod Shuffle.

-What are you talking about, Milk? -I'm just saying it plays music.

-Yeah, we fucking know! -

Hello, boys. I'm your counselor, Harry.

I know my accent sounds fancy,

but I put my short shorts, black socks and sandals on just like you,

with the help of two butlers.

Just kidding. I grew up poor.

That's why I'm working here as a servant to children.

Hey, Harry. Welcome to the US.

The toilet's backed up, shit's coming out, and none of us know how to clean it.

Can't wait. Cheers to that.

But first, I'm meant to introduce you to a new camper.

I'm not new.

This is Natalie.

Hold on. Gabe?

-Natalie. -Hey, guys.

You see, kids, gender is like pasta.

No, it's not.

-There's many different shapes and sizes. -You're making it worse.

Holy shit. What happened, Gabe?

Um...

Oh, God, coming here was a terrible mistake.

Look at them. They hate you.

The camp clearly did not read that detailed email from your mother.

Say something already!

Please call me Natalie now.

I wanted you guys to hear it from me that I'm transgender.

I use she/her pronouns.

I'm sure you're all comfortable with this, right?

One time my dad's friend Bob Reedy opened a can of spaghetti,

but there were ravioli inside--

Shut the fuck up, Milk.

Now, I'm sure you all have questions, right?

And without consulting Natalie,

I'm simply gonna open up the floor for a free-for-all,

like a session of Parliament. I feel good about this.

Uh, are you gonna sleep here?

No, I'm staying in the girls' bunk.

Nice, nice.

So this is all a scam so you can just watch,

-you know, girls change and stuff? -Yep. You figured out my master plan.

Do you pee standing up or lying down?

The fuck? Do you pee lying down?

You know what, everyone?

I'm just gonna ask the thing that we're all thinking but not asking.

-What does your crotch look like? -That was my question.

-Thank you! -I know. Someone had to.

Oh, God. This is a disaster, but don't cry.

They'll think you're weak, and they'll pounce.

My crotch looks like the back of your mom's head

-while she's slurping me off. -But what is my mom slurping off?

Please just tell us if you have a dick.

-Your buttocks remain the same, correct? -Shut the fuck up, Milk!

Shut the fuck up, all of you. Eat my fucking asshole!

Well, then, that went terribly,

but at least I've come out unscathed.

Now, I believe there's a clogged toilet calling my name.

"Oh, Harry!"

I'm coming, toilet.

I know someone with a toilet. It's my dad's friend--

Milk, don't say it.

-Bob Reedy. - Shut the fuck up, Milk!

Hey, what gives, man? Ow!

All right. Now that school's asleep, I'm lifeguard Coach Steve,

which is why my pepperoni nipples are so cooked.

They're curling at the edges and filled with oil!

I can't believe we're spending the summer at a public pool.

Oh, come on. It's kitschy fun.

There's an old woman swimming laps in a wedding gown and smoking.

I love it here. You should see if Aiden needs any sunscreen on his dick and ass.

Maury, I said you could come to the pool with us, but you gotta be cool.

I'll tell you what's not cool: melanoma on your tuchus.

What's up, my fellow LGBTQ-ties?

Oh, my God. Is this Jay?

Well, well, well. I see my reputation precedes me.

Matthew said you kissed him like you were trying to push his tongue out a window.

Yeah. Hardest frencher in my grade.

Cannonball!

Ugh!

Jay, the Devins are doing a chicken fight.

I need a partner, and you look lonely and strong.

Lola, I have never felt more seen.

You guys are going down.

Oh! I'm already a winner. I got my wife's goosh on my neck.

Devon, focus!

So, what do you think? How are we gonna do this?

-I don't know. -Me on you? You on me?

Underwater 69?

What? Obviously, I'm on top. I'm the girl.

I guess I just don't feel like that's our best chance at winning.

-What do you mean? -You'd make a pretty sturdy base.

What the fuck did you just say?

No offense! You're just on my "Sturdy Under 30" list.

-What? -Your body's a triangle,

and that is the strongest shape known to man.

What?

Lola, I think he's afraid you're gonna drown him.

Listen, I just think if we wanna win, you'd be a better bottom.

I think you'd be a better bottom because of how bisexual you are.

I don't care if you're a girl! I'll kill you right now!

-You'll be the second person I've drowned! -

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

No monkey business in the pool, okay?

Unless of course, you know, you're a monkey and you're doing business.

Oh, thank you, Steve.

Congratulations on your banana deal.

Okay, Steve, I've got this. You two, no fighting in the pool.

-He started it! -Oh, yeah? Well, she farted shit!

- What the fuck? - Gross!

That's it! You're both banned for the whole summer.

-You busted my nose, you asshole! -Fuck you, Jay! You ruined my summer!