BoJack Horseman

What happened to my birthday cake?

- Goober. - It wasn't me.

But you're welcome to check my pockets.

- Go home, Goober. - Go home, Goober.

- -

Oh, I was a Goober, all right. I Goobed with the best of 'em.

But that ain't me anymore.

I'm now the proprietor/spokesperson/ number one customer of Whale World.

At Whale World, families come together

to admire the fine female form of the majestic killer whale.

It's educational.

Join us in the Splash Zone.

You and your little ones are gonna get moist.

Whoo-hoo!

These orcas have the floppiest dorsal fins in town

and they can't wait to jump through hoops for you and your kids.

Bring your prepubescent daughters,

who are beginning to be cognizant of a woman's role in the world.

They won't internalize deeply problematic notions

about the commodification of sexuality in today's society.

What are you talking about? It's just whales.

And what about so-called "experts,"

who say it's wrong to keep these girls in captivity

so they can amuse and entertain us?

Well, to those people I say, "Stop saying that, okay?"

These sea girls are my family, and my business.

And they can be yours too.

Come on down to Whale World, a fun, sexy time for the whole family.

- Hey, Jill. - Where are you? I hear mirth.

An elementary school all inclusive non-denominational winter day pageant.

Oh, no. The snow goblin wants to destroy our seasonal festivities.

"Snow goblin" is an offensive slur.

Jesus, Jill. And you thought your play sucked.

- I didn't. - Well, regardless.

A lot of these fancy kids' fancy parents are Oscar voters.

If I wanna get nominated, I got to rub elbows

and whatever the non-denominational word for schmooze is.

Hobnob. Did you check on Cuddlywhiskers like I asked?

He's doing great. Little of this, little of that.

Likes to go jogging... in a big wheel.

- You didn't check on him, did you? - Completely forgot.

- Shh! Keep it down, buddy. - Oh, I'm sorry.

Did you miss the three wise people make their journey to visit the regular baby?

Go to his house.

If he's not there, you must retrieve something for me,

something of a sensitive nature.

Oh, fine, if it'll finally make you stop calling me, asking me to go on errands.

- What do you need? - A letter I wrote him,

back when we were, prepare yourself, I'm about to say lovers... Lovers.

- That was not enough time to prepare. - Get off the phone, jerk.

It was years ago and it was quite beautiful

and disgusting all at once. I remember it fondly. And horribly.

- What's in the letter? - None of your concern. I must have it,

for... sentimental reasons. Goodbye.

- Did you have a nice phone call? - Are you in the Academy?

- No. - Then I don't care what you think.

- I got to go do a thing for someone. - Fine.

You made your appearance, you were magnificent, I'm very proud.

But don't forget, you have a full day of muckety-muck glad-handing.

The Bat Mitzvah, the senior Academy member meet and greet.

You'll be wonderful, I have complete faith in you.

That is literally the first time anyone ever said that to me.

Diane, you'll keep up his Internet presence?

I want him trending by this afternoon.

But good trending, not bad trending, you understand?

Hashtag you betcha.

Did I just say hashtag out loud? Hashtag, oops. Hashtag, oh no!

I'm honestly more alarmed by the "you betcha".

I'll take a smoke break before these little boogers

dig into the refrain of "Frosty the Non-Gendered Snow Person."

Ugh. Could you imagine having a kid? Eww.

I'm Terry Gross and this is your ring tone.

I'm here with novelist Jonathan Lethem.

Jonathan, how did you become a ring tone?

You know, Terry, growing up in Brooklyn,

I was always fascinated by ring tones and the stories they told.

Hey, Mr. Peanutbutter.

Hello, my precious darling slice of sunshine,

who I am not putting on a pedestal.

Just calling for our daily download,

as per Dr. Janet's friendly but firm suggestion.

When do you think you'll be home?

- Uh, it might be late. - Okay, just let me know.

I cherish you, I respect you and you have value.

I feel valued and I value you.

I am hearing that and I accept that.

- Diane? - Yes?

Do you accept my acceptance?

I hear it and I accept it and I value it and all the other verbs.

Promise you won't work too hard today?

I won't, if you promise me you won't bother that skunk next door.

I don't want to come home to a stinky husband.

That is some great food for thought. I gotta go right now.

Mr. Peanutbutter, my favorite weekday client.

- Why are you calling on the weekend? - I need your help.

I've done something bad, very bad.

Put the corpse on ice, I'm on my way.

What? No, it's not. Why would I--

Listen, I was sniffing around where I didn't belong and I got skunked.

- What? - You got to help us.

- Us? - Todd's here too.

I'm skunked, Princess Carolyn. Skunked real bad.

Yeah, yeah, we got real bad skunked, super skunked.

- Hardcore. - Yeah, hardcore skunked.

Okay. First things first, don't go back in the house.

Sadly, you can call me L.L. Cool J because I am in the house.

Yecch! Okay, don't move. I'll be there in 20.

Mind if I do this real quick? I gotta pick up a letter.

Can we make the appearances we're supposed to make and go home?

Oh, sure.

I haven't seen you much since you moved out of my deck chairs.

You know, I've been focusing on my new job and my marriage and--

- And avoiding me? - I'm not avoiding you.

I'm just making an effort to not be in a room alone with you

- because I am... avoiding you. - Oh.

You know, I think we're alike in a lot of ways.

I always tell people you're like the not-cool version of me.

Sometimes that's great,

but it also means we can bring out the worst in each other.

I'm trying to get my life back on track.

I just think maybe it's better, for both of us,

if we keep things a little more professional.

Yes, okay. Professional.

BoJack and Diane being professional. Doing our jobs and nothing else.

We're at the place I needed to go to.

It's so weird I drove here on accident.

Might as well run in and grab that thing I need to get.

- Then, back to business. -

- It's spooky in here. Too spooky. - Really?

And what would be the right amount of spooky? Jesus, this thing's heavy.

Now I know how Hilary Swank's arms got so jacked.

Put it down, BoJack.

Does it look weird? Me with an Oscar?

- I actually think that it feels-- - Oh, my God.

- I think she's dead. - Hold on, maybe she's not dead.

Maybe she's just being a-- a whale? No, she's dead.

Maybe there's someone in her phone we can call.

Diane, kids these days don't call.

They communicate via a combination of text messages,

- eye rolls, and dick pics. - Oh, my God.

What is it? Dick pics? See if they spell out a message.

- - Freeze! Drop the Oscar!

- Oh, man. - Well, well, well.

Or should I say whale, whale, whale? Killer whale, that is.

Or should I say killed whale?

- Listen, Officer-- - I told you to freeze.

You just became prime suspects in the case I like to call,

"Black and White and Dead All Over, A Whale Of A Crime:

An Officer Meow Meow Fuzzyface Mystery."

Eh...

- Cuff 'em, boys, or, uh, girls. - I am a woman, sir.

Lindsay, you know I am trying.

Can we please show a united front in front of the perps?

- We will talk about this later. - Aww.

Ohh! It smells like a skunk skunked another skunk in here,

then they smoked a joint. What happened?

First I rolled all over the couch to get the skunk stench out,

but that did not work.

Then I ran into every room to rub myself on all my clothes and belongings,

to get the Mr. Peanutbutter smell back.

And then I smoked a joint,

so that might be why it smells like skunk in here.

Princess Carolyn, I have to fix this before Diane gets home.

Things have been shaky with us

since she pretended to be out of the country for two months.

And then when I filled our entire house

with these giant crates of spaghetti strainers, that did not help.

Why buy these spaghetti strainers in the first place?

Oh, I don't even remember. I'm sure it'll pay off at some point.

Man, married life is weird.

We're making an effort and getting stronger every day,

but I swear to God we are like five big fights away from a divorce,

I do not want this to be one.

Okay, number first. We got to get you in a tomato bath.

Mmm! Delicious and nutritious.

Is marinara all right,

or will I need something zestier like Arrabiata?

Tomato bath.

Whoa!

I am so high right now. Wait, was there a skunk in here?

- What do you know about Nadia? - Uh, who's Nadia?

Your friend doing the face-down mambo in the king-sized bathtub.

- Now I know her name is Nadia. - Oh, so you're a comedian, huh?

Although I am trying to branch into more serious roles.

You pigs think you can march all over us. But I know my rights.

- Yeah, what are they? - I mean, I don't know them know them.

But I know that I have them. So, can I check my phone real quick?

You're not gonna look up your rights, are you?

What? No.

I'm just supposed to moderate

an Emily VanCamp live-chat talkback on Snapchat.

Let me just set up the user preferences here, and...

you can't detain us unless we're under arrest.

Damn it. You were looking up your rights, weren't you?

Nope, that was just a thing I already knew.

Everyone's stupid rights these days. I never get to have any fun.

- Let's get out of here. - BoJack, I need to show you something.

This is Nadia's phone.

I did not know you were such a klepto. I can buy you a new phone.

Check this out, the last text message she sent.