Schitt's Creek

Moira: David, this isn't funny!

I have my first Town Hall meeting in an hour,

where is my portfolio?!

Uh, why-why would I know where your portfolio is?

You were bedazzling it last night.

Excuse me?

I haven't bedazzled anything since I was 22.

David, you were dressed like a harlequin,

and you were gluing shiny jewels...

perhaps that was just a night terror.

Um... oh God.

Okay.

- Oh. - Well! Uh...

Hello.

Hi, uh, I'm-I'm Jake.

Oh, of course you are. (They chuckle)

- David? - Um, Jake, this is my mother.

Listen, I'm really sorry,

I didn't think anybody would be home.

Okay, nobody was supposed to be home.

Nobody was supposed to be home, so...

You were supposed to be at lunch,

why-why are-why were you not at lunch?!

David, stop acting like a disgruntled pelican!

I came home from lunch because I realized

I misplaced my portfolio. - Folio.

So we're-I'm gonna... we're gonna look for it.

Johnny: David, we're looking for your mother's portfol... - Oh my God!

Oh. Oh! Okay.

Hello, uh, Johnny Rose. You are?

- Jake. - Yes, welcome, welcome, Jake.

I see uh, David's made you feel right at home.

- Okay, Dad! - John...

No, no, no, I'm just saying,

carry on doing whatever you're doing,

or not... doing.

- Okay. No. - I mean, I see things are wrapping up here, so...

- Got it, got it, so much. - Oh my God!

- Oh my God! - Alexis, this is Jake.

We seem to have caught the boys in a...

In an "afternoon delight."

Is that term still a going thing?

- No, that's no. - No, never say that again.

Don't do that.

Um David, I thought we agreed,

only when nobody was home. - Nobody was home!

Nobody was home! - Oh, here it is!

Ha ha ha!

Nice to meet you Jacob,

if you take half as much care of our son

as you do your physique, - Okay!

David should be in very good hands.

Yes, well, not-not your hands, but uh...

- Mhmm, yep. Bye! - Generally speaking...

Well, I hope it was worth it.

Okay, I think you can take a step outside.

You can step outside while this is happening.

Let him change.

You're like a predator!

Um...

Cal: Okay, and so the last four digits

on that credit card number are 6-3-1-2?

Great, and the security code on the back?

Bob, who's sitting at my desk?

Your next big opportunity, that's who.

What opportunity?

Well, Cal's doing big business,

and since you two are sharing an office,

uh, I thought you might wanna get in on some of it.

Sharing an office?

You've... rented out my office space?!

Well, Johnny, you weren't exactly paying rent,

and Cal's business is booming.

Cal: I should add that registration is totally free,

there's no charge whatsoever for registration,

there's just a small monetary...

And what business is this?

Antivirus. The guy's amazing.

Cal: Okay, you'll be receiving your CD-ROM in the mail

within the next two weeks,

and you'll know the software is working

if you don't see any changes.

Bob, this sounds like a scam.

Far from it.

No, my-my computer was riddled with viruses.

I mean, Cal uh, he fixed it,

over the phone!

He didn't even look at my computer!

That's how good he is.

Bob, I've got a meeting with a client in an hour,

and I cannot be conducting business

with somebody yammering into the phone beside me!

Johnny, you're putting me in a bit of a pickle here.

You know, obviously I'd like to keep you both.

But there's uh...

a cardboard box over there,

you know, if you do feel like you wanna...

you know, pack up your things.

- (Gasps) - Hi.

- Hi. - Oh hi.

Um, what are you... what are you doing here?

I just popped in to say hello.

Yeah, he came to say hi to me.

Oh... yeah.

Um, and-and what... and um...

How long have you been here for?

Why, are you writing a true crime novel?

I'm just curious.

Just curious about what you guys are...

what you guys are talking about.

- About stuff. - Mhmm...

- Is that okay with you? - Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I should probably head.

I've got a ton of work to do, so.

Mmmm! (Laughs) - Bye.

Bye. (Jake grunts)

Unnnh! Ahh...

I'll be in touch, all right? - Okay, yeah, okay, okay.

What the flying fuck is going on here?!

I was gonna ask you the same thing!

- What was that?! - Uh, what was that?!

We're seeing each other!

Okay, we're seeing each other,

he literally came here from my room.

Well, he dropped me off at work this morning.

He what?!

He dropped me off at work this morning!

Okay, I get it!

Um, he did not mention that to me.

And... frankly,

I don't know whether I want your sloppy seconds!

Uh, first of all, who says they're sloppy,

and second, who's to say we're not getting

his sloppy thirds?! - (Gasps)

Who knows how many people he's got on the go

at this point?

Okay, well all I know is that someone is sloppy

and it's not me!

Moira: Well, hello, everyone!

What time is curtain?

We'll probably start in a few minutes.

Well, it looks like a full house out there.

Huh! So uh...

Is this what everyone's wearing?

Well, I might lose the jacket.

If we look to have given up on ourselves,

how can we assure our constituents

that we haven't given up on them as well?

So we look like we've given up on ourselves?

Could we remember please that these are real people,

with real problems, people!

And while I can't pretend to fully understand them,

I can at least attempt to care!

Places, please!

Basically so clients can schedule

their appointments online.

It just saves me answering the phone.

Right, so then...

what will you do?

Thank you for asking, Ted.

And here is my answer.

Um, my answer starts by me saying...

So, you two call each other?

Hey! Um, about what?

You're dressed the same.

Ah, never heard that one before.

- How are you? - I'm good, good.

Tennessee and I are actually goin' on a trip

for a while, so.

Wow, like, Tulum? Or...

Uh, just gonna get in our car,

and drive up the coast,

let the road take us where it wants.

No plans, no phones, no schedules.

Basically my worst nightmare.

Sounds very adventurous.

Yeah, well, I just needed to get away for a while.

You know? So uh, what's new with you guys?

Well, Alexis came home to a naked man in her bathroom.

- Cool. - Um no, it wasn't cool,

because he wasn't actually there for me,

which made everything very awkward,

and uncomfortable for everyone.

Well, you're free to use the barn while I'm away.

You know, if you need some privacy.

I was actually looking for someone to water the plants,

and check over the place, so.

Oh, well, thank you, Mutt.

That actually might be good for me.

Well, we're leaving this afternoon, so you know,

just swing by, and grab the keys.

That's very generous.

Is that weird?

Daycare Worker: Parents are complaining

that they're struggling to get off work early enough

to pick up their kids,

and so that's why we would like to extend

the after school daycare program by half an hour.

That's an idea we'll...