V/H/S/99

Gentlemen, when I look at this battlefield,

I see some of the bravest men ever to wear a uniform.

Is that you, Johnson?

You're a real lazy piece of shit.

Johnson, wake up!

Sorry, sir. Just guarding the tank.

You were sleeping. I heard you.

But it's just so comfortable up here.

I, huh...

Goddammit.

And you there, stop posing.

- Sorry, sir. - Sorry, sir.

Fucking showboats.

Excuse me, dear capitan.

What do you want?

Can I get some cigarettes?

- No. - How about a rifle?

You're a prisoner of war.

That doesn't mean we can still be friends.

- It does actually. - Does it really?

I've never heard that. How about a bugle?

We already have a guy who plays the bugle.

I can for sure play better than him.

It's true. I suck.

I'm not giving you a bugle.

If I had it my way I would kill all Germans in this place.

But you already killed all the Germans in this place.

I'd do it again in a heartbeat, so do not test me.

Ouch. It's pretty mean to threaten someone

with a war crime, my friend.

We aren't fri...

Sir, I see something over there.

What is it was? Where's Johnson?

Yeehaw.

Johnson, you yahoo! Everybody run!

This is the "Video Journal of Neurosurgery" with...

Guys, I told you the list is endless.

So, why wait?

Call this toll-free number and order now.

Please stop.

Oh, wait.

So good.

Come on.

Hey!

Man, I'm getting crazy.

Yeah! Yeah!

I'm out of my fucking mind.

Ahh!

Fuck it up!

Shh. Hey. What's up, bud.

Get out of here! Stop!

Hey, make sure you wipe.

* Writing this down *

* 'Cause she knows I'll never leave her *

* 'Cause I can't live without her *

Take it, take it down.

You want some of that?

This is my dick.

That's right, it's big.

Now, don't be a pussy.

Oh, shit. Are you hurt?

* I don't think you ever made a big mistake *

* Cause I don't want to get you off my back *

* No wonder we hate the same things *

* I hate everyone else *

Let's fuck it up!

* I don't think you ever made a big mistake *

Welcome, everyone, to party of...

- Let's fuck shit up! - Let's fuck shit up!

These are yours.

That's the closest you'll be

to any pussy everything.

- Oh! - Shut the fuck up.

I get pussy.

- Oh you get what... - I get pussy.

- Yeah. - Who's pussy?

Dick.

Let me get a shot of this fine piece of meat right here.

Look at this. It looks good on you.

Why do you look hotter than Rachel?

- Who wore it better? - That's what I'm saying.

Poor Rachel.

Don't even make that comparison.

I'm fine as fuck, dude.

Listen, this is a very special episode,

because tonight, R.A.C.K is going on a mission.

We're breaking into the Colony!

Don't use that word, dumb-ass. What is wrong with you?

We're visiting the Colony.

The infamous Colony Underground.

Why do you got to keep acting so fruity lately?

What's it you, Mohammed?

Anywho, for those of you born yesterday,

The Colony Underground was this really wicked...

It was an art collective.

"It was an arts art collective?"

So, this art collective had like hella shows all the time.

It was all ages, and some pretty big bands

would come from the city, like the KGB,

Eddie Cash and the Star Fuckers, Valentine Fox,

mostly pumping hardcore stuff. Yeah.

We totally would have played there.

- Yeah. - For sure.

- For real. - We would have if it weren't

for the freak electrical fire

that broke out three years ago to the day.

- Wait, seriously? - Yeah, March 6, 1996.

It's March 5th.

Can you let him talk? God!

Three years ago, a freak electrical fire

barbecued the inside of The Colony Underground

and claimed four innocent lives.

The lives of the very band that headlined that night.

Legend has it their bodies only burned

after being trampled to death by their own fans.

Fans so desperate to escape the towering flames

they crushed their heroes under foot without a second thought.

Dude, keep going.

Hmm?

Oh, yeah, yeah look how freaked out Ankur looks.

Shut up, I'm fine.

Oh, your left pocket.

Is Ankur a little bitch? Let's see, let's see.

Yo, it is turning! It is turning.

Swear to God, look, look, look!

Okay, okay, okay.

So, that band was Bitch Cat.

You can cut in stuff from the tape you have right there?

- Yeah. - That'd be a cool transition.

What tape?

Oh, dude it's so sick.

At church. Can't you tell?

* You want it your way *

* Well, why don't you stay so? *

* Ah, keep stuffing your face *

* Eat cake as you... *

Well, we weren't made by a corporation.

We grew our sound and our following grassroots.

* What is it gonna take? *

* I guess I've seen it all *

* I know I've seen too much, oh *

* My God, what could it take?*

We got in Dierdre's van, and basically just played

anywhere that'd take us.

We're road warriors, man. Yeah.

* Don't care about your angels *

* Get off my back, boy *

We don't even feel like we relate to LA anymore.

Like, that stage is our home.

Yeah and the fans our family, for sure.

Our shows are these huge parties.

Everyone belongs. Everybody has a killer time.

* Too bad 'cause I say so *

Sure.

I mean, what's the party without a little bit of violence?

* We came out to play *

* Get off of my stage, bro *

* Get off my fucking stage *

* My God, what could it be? *

I think America got, like, a rage revolution on the way.

Everyone's just so mad.

* Let's go, let's go *

Everybody's daddy got too rich.

Yeah, so give us all your fucking money, daddy.

Give us your money!

* Bad boy, you already know *

* I'm no angel *

* Diamonds turns black *

Play or die.

Play or die.

Play or die.

Play or die!

Oh, my God, look he's fucked up.

Hey! Hurry! Come on, come on.

Yo, wait, wait.

Tell everyone about the mission today.

R.A.C.K is going to The Colony Underground

to play a show on whatever is left at that stage.

And we're going to suck though because we've been rehearsing,

what, two months?

Yeah, show out to your Nazi dictator dad.

I hope that's... Oh my God, whatever.

No, wait come on. Like, what else though?

What else? I don't know.

We're going to get the gear, if there's any that works.

Yeah, but why'd you make a stop here? Your house?

- Come on, K. - Hey, no.

I just think inquiring minds want to know

if you're really just scared little pussy bitch.

That's all I want to know! Come on!

Hey, I'm sorry. I meant to say a little scaredy baby

who thinks he's going to meet some ghosts.

Yo, Rachel, get the camera. Get the fucking camera, Rachel.

Why's Ankur being a little bitch right now?

Stop.

Do you want your mommy because you don't come home.

Get off me!

Oh, no! The lady ghosts are going to eat me.

Dude, I can't believe we're here right now.

Come on, it's going to be fun. Come on, let's just go.