Eastbound & Down

Perhaps it is high time

- *** gets famous again. - Oh.

***

- Are you ready? - Yes, I'm ready.

Okay. Let's go, buddy.

- I gave up fame for true love. - No, no, no, no.

Love? ***

Oh, baby.

- Give me one more shot. - Okay, don't blow it, Kenny.

I won't blow nothing.

- No, no, no, no. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, ***.

Whoa!

You know what, Guy? I'm out of this motherfucker.

Holy shit! I killed it in there!

You were so awesome!

Your quips were sensational, Kenny.

Ha! Yo, Tinseltown, show-business better look out

- because I'm coming for ya. -

You were so great, baby. You had so much control.

Hey, April, did your pussy get wet in there?

I know if I had a pussy it'd be wet as shit.

I'd be like squirting...

Dude, why you talking about my wife's private parts?

Oh, well... No, I'm sorry. I apologize, Lady Powers.

Don't call her Lady Powers. Just call her April, man.

Come on, don't ruin this celebratory moment

with being shameful and vulgar.

No, no. I don't mean to ruin it. I'm just so excited.

I haven't felt this good in so long.

I just wanna... I just wanna punch something.

- -

- Yo, what the fuck?! - Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God! - What the fuck?!

- Kenny! - Stevie, are you OK?

- Kenny, help me. - No, no, no, no.

Gross! No, no, no. Don't get your fucking blood on me.

- Ugh! -

Stevie, breath.

OK, I'm gonna see you at home.

- Bye, baby. I love you. - I love you.

See you later, pumpkin.

Children, raise your 5 Alives.

Because of my amazing television efforts

and my newfound relationship with show-business,

we never have to worry about money again.

Picture the future. You're both entering high school.

While all the other dum-dums are there selling dime bags

and trading Garbage Pail Kids cards,

you'll be polishing your Porsches.

Riding your horses, hanging out with the preps

with sweaters loosely tied around your necks.

Let the memories of this patriarch begin now.

- To Daddy. - To Daddy.

- To Daddy. - And now,

the giving of the gifts.

- Gifts? - That's right.

I bought everyone a small token to commemorate

this amazing moment for our family.

First up is Mama. Look at that, huh.

Oh, this is nice.

That's a fair trade candle.

We now can afford to buy products

- that are made the right way. - Smells so good, babe.

Next up, Shayna Bear.

Lookie lookie lookie here.

Little shorty's got back.

A Louis V backpack, that is.

That's a mighty big gift for her.

Oh yes. Several grand, in fact.

Where's my present?

He is in the garage.

Meet Dakota.

I got him from a Craigslist Indian.

Is that a real wolf?

Pure bred. That's what the red man told me.

There's no paperwork or anything because of

their goddamn oral traditions.

- But... seems legit to me. -

You know, I'm not so sure that this is a good gift

for a five year old.

What are you talking about, April?

This is a perfect gift for Toby.

With my new high-paying television job

I'm not gonna be around the house as much

as I'd like to be. So it's very important

that Toby has a strong male role model

so he doesn't turn out weird.

Dakota's gonna serve as a spirit guide.

- - Hey.

You watch yourself, motherfucker.

Because of this opportunity,

our family's gonna be taken care of forever.

Who knows, next stop could be space camp.

- Who wants to go to space? - Me.

- Who wants to pet this wolf? -

- - Hey.

I'm a television star and I own you.

Whoo! Goddamn. Kenny Powers, series regular on TV.

Feels like the first day of school out here, huh?

Oh yeah.

Everybody's inside the cafeteria

wanted to know what I'm gonna wear.

What kind of crazy shit's gonna come out of my mouth.

They all know that I'm just the wild card this show needs

to nab that elusive demographic.

That Hunger Games demo.

That John Carter from Mars demo.

Kenny, you skew extremely young.

Yeah, no shit.

Now where we at with them gift baskets?

We locked and loaded?

They're right here, dog. Boom.

Whoo. Looking good. Moose Munch. Coffee macadamia toffee.

- You know what the move is. - What's the move?

Put my motion picture personal autobiographical screenplays

into Guy Young's gift basket.

That's how the Antwone Fisher story was made.

Autobiographical screenplay, Kenny?

When do I get to read it?

Well, when I get the N.D. forms filled out by my lawyer.

Until then, you ain't touching shit, dog.

A'ight. I'll back off.

I'll back off. But soon. Hopefully.

Enough of your creative sensitivities.

Let's give people some baskets.

You smell like a horses ass. I don't want to smell you.

It's a professional environment.

- I'll talk to her. - Please, talk to her.

- I will. -

A tisket, a tasket.

I brought you a motherfucking gift basket.

- - Kenny P.

- Oh, shit, is that for me? - Yeah, that is for you.

- Well, this is for you. - Ah, shit.

Great minds think alike. What's up, my man?

- Look at that, huh. - All right.

- Whoo. - Oh, Harry and David.

A top purveyor, I like that a lot.

Goddamn. Yeah, I also included

a copy of my new motion picture screenplay I recently finished,

450 pages of box office gold. It's my life story, dude.

Whoa. Kenny Powers is a writer too, huh?

Screenplayist.

Who's this handsome pumpkin right here?

Is this your fuck buddy?

I wish.

What the fuck is this?

That's a coupon book for activities

in and around the Charlotte area. You're gonna like that.

Grandfather Mountain, Carowinds. A waterpark.

My kids are gonna shit their pants when they see this.

I'll tell you what, I'm gonna shit my pants

looking at this expensive-ass squirt bottle

of Morrocan hair oil.

That shit'll get you smelling like an Egyptian cab driver.

I'm sure it's very nice and thank you, Kenny.

Hey, you're welcome.

I think this is gonna be a wonderful union.

Kenny Powers is just the thing this show needs

to get the ratings up.

Well, I wouldn't worry about that, Kenny.

- The ratings are just fine. - Yeah, I know.

We'll just, you know, focus on the four quadrant

- target market, Nielsens. - Kenny, the ratings are fine.

Conrad, tell him, the ratings are fine.

- They're good. - They'll be better, though.

That would be... Don't worry about that.

You know what I mean? Keep your mind on the prize.

All right. I'll leave the mathematics to you guys.

I'll focus on the "lights, camera, action."

- Show-business. - Show-business. KP.

There's my smart boy. Oh God, look at you.

So handsome.

Get on the ground! This is a fucking home invasion!

- Jesus. -

- It's me. - Oh, my God.

Oh, word. Wayne, you're graduating?

No. He is getting his GED actually, Kenny.

You dumbass. There's a ceremony for that?

What's up, bro?

What the hell are you doing here, Kenny?

Relax, guys. I'm not here to terrorize.

Just came by for a friendly family visit.

It's no mystery that over the years our families have drifted.

- Our families are strange. - Estranged.

That's what I'm saying, Cassie, that we're str...

You didn't say that. You said "strange".

- That's what I'm saying. - No, you didn't.

- Shit's not... No, I said... - You said strange.

Look, you know what I'm getting at. We're not friends.

- What do you want, Kenny? - I wanna squish our beef.

What I've done in the past is of no merits here.

The bottom line, I wanna buy back your family's love

with these fucking dope passes to Congo Canyon Resort.

- - Congo Canyon?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not so fast, sticky fingers.

What do you say, Dustin? Let's put aside our differences.

Take leaks in the lazy river.

Take our shirts off and slide down water slides.

What do you say?