Jewtopia

- My name is Christian thaddeus Reginald mcarthur O'Connell,

and between the ages of 8 and 17 years old,

good old Uncle Sam restationed my father 12 times.

- Class, please welcome-- - g.I. Joe?

From Wichita to Berlin,

nobody wanted to be friends with the new kid.

I think g.I. Joe is cool.

because you have a lot in common

or maybe because you want something

or because no one else will be your friend.

And that's how I became friends with Adam lipschitz.

How rude of me.

Want one?

We were complete opposites,

but we became best friends.

My first dinner with the lipschitzes--one word.

- Why couldn't we have gone to China palace?

- Denny, we've discussed this.

Do you want to drop dead of a heart attack

by the time you're 50?

No, but--

- besides, I heard that they cook

with d-o-g.

- Adam's mom took control of her men.

- Nah, you're right, Arlene. You're always right.

- I love you. - Well, I love you more.

- No, I love you more. - You just wait till later.

- Ooh, is that a threat or a promise?

- It kind of freaked me out at first...

But I learned to love it.

- Hi. My name's soo yun. You ready to order?

- Stop staring at her, Adam.

That is rude!

- Oh. - You cute.

You stare all you like, little man.

- You are not and you will never be her little man.

- I never realized how different growing up Jewish was...

- Where's my burger? Betsy!

- Until I hung out with the o'connells.

I'm Comin'.

I'm sorry, the tots were frozen

and I--and I had to wait for them to defrost.

- And where's my Uncle Brian's barbecue sauce, huh?

One word--gentiles.

- Oh, I got distracted waiting for them tots.

I'll go get it. Don't you move an inch.

- Way back! And he sees Taylor!

And the throw is up!

- Aah! Touchdown! -

Oh!

- What the hell? That's a touchdown.

I'll tell you one thing.

There's nobody who called a better game than cosell,

but boy, did he have him one heck of a beak.

Jew beak.

- The talmud states that the first 12 years

of a Jewish man's life all lead up to the moment

where he must transform himself

from a boy to a man.

Adam mintz lipschitz, that moment has arrived.

- I'd never been to any jewy type of thing

until Adam's bar mitzvah.

- [Reciting Hebrew nervously]

Gaah!

I'm not ready to be a man!

I'm not ready to be a man! I'm not ready to be a man!

I'm not ready! I'm not ready!

I'm not ready to be a man!

- And your fault. -

I'm not ready to be a man! - What the hell was that?

Bar mitzvahs rock!

- Christian didn't always come up with the smartest ideas.

Nobody calls me g.I. Joe.

- My mom told me that if your hand touches poo,

you can get psoriasis.

Yeah, whatever.

Launch sequence activated.

- 3, 2, 1. Commence fire!

Mission abort! Mission abort!

- It might look like I'm having a seizure.

I'm not. This is a panic attack.

- Get up lipschitz, get up!

I can't, Chris.

Get up! - Sons of bitches!

- Do either of you know what time it is?

3:07 A.M., sir.

- And what do I like to do at 3:07 A.M.?

Sleep, sir.

- Apparently, the two of you don't.

You two would rather be launching bags of feces.

I need a word with you in private.

Feces?

In here.

You see, my son would have executed like a real marine

if it hadn't been for private lipschitz,

who had a brain fart.

He screwed up the entire operation.

Now what the heck kind of a weird shit is that?

- It's a pulmo machine. - English!

It's for his asthma.

- So your boy, he's got a fake disease?

I'll bet you make him wear a seatbelt too.

- How is your boy still alive?

Seriously, how?

- All I can say is, I thank God and Uncle Sam

that I have been restationed.

- Schmuck. - Come on, Christian.

Let's move. Come on.

- Where are we moving to, dad?

- Camp blue Jean, South Carolina.

- But I don't want to move again, dad. I like it here.

- Oh, you like it here? You're gonna love it there.

- Adam's the best friend I've ever had.

Come on, Chris.

- Chris is the best friend that I've ever--

Move.

He was the only Jew I ever knew.

But then...College.

- Could you maybe not mix the potassium permanganate

I prefer to not explode before graduation.

Here. Use the hydrazine. - Thanks.

Her name was Rebecca hadassah zahada ogin.

You know, me and you have really good chemistry.

And just like that, all of my decisions went away.

Oh, I'm gonna have an order of the fried mozzarella sticks.

- I didn't have to decide what to eat...

- Surprise. - What?

I didn't have to decide what clothes to buy.

Oh!

who my friends were gonna be.

I'm sorry, dudes, but Chris' gpa

has dropped over the past two quarters,

so he will no longer be hosting poker night.

I'm coming to you live from the university of Colorado,

Yeah! I'm standing here with a hot and busty young co-ed.

Say hi for the-- for the audience, Rebecca.

- Hi. - Wow.

Now Rebecca has just informed me

underneath her graduation gown.

Is that true, Rebecca?

That is true, vance,

and I dare you to get a close-up.

Stop. Get out.

- Oh, my God. You're so beautiful.

I just--I found this beautiful little pink box.