Taskmaster

Is this a joke?

Yeah.

Hmm. Oh!

Oh!

Oh, I like that.

Oh. Wow. Hmm.

Hi. Hello, and welcome to Taskmaster.

People often stop me in the street

and say, "Taking part in this show looks so much fun, Greg.

"When are you gonna do a version for non-celebrities?"

And I always give them the same response.

I turn my head away and I immediately cross the road.

If they follow me, I contact the police

and I fabricate

a crime that results in bare minimum,

a suspended sentence.

Now, let's meet

the special people who are better than you

and your silly families.

They are Alan Davies.

Desiree Burch.

Guz Khan.

Morgana Robinson.

And Victoria Coren Mitchell.

And next to me a man who is more than just a PA,

he's a P-A-I-N.

And he's always got his hands down his P-A-N-T-S cos he's got an

It's...

little Alex Horne!

Desiree...

Desiree snorted at that one.

When you mentioned the rash. She must know.

She must know about your little pink blotches that you keep secret.

Always in spring, isn't it, that it appears.

The blotches?

Yeah. Regular as clockwork.

Oh, look the snowdrops are just fading away...

Yep. Right.

On with the prize task. Got it.

And this time you've asked them to bring in

the most ridiculous thin thing.

Now I've seen some ridiculous thin things in my life

and I'm about to see some more, so it's a great day

for me, there are five points for the most ridiculous thin thing

and all five of the ridiculous thin things will eventually go home

with tonight's winner. It's great stuff.

Desiree, what ridiculous thin thing will you present to me?

They are these trunks that when you get them wet in

the water they sort of dissipate, they just come off of you.

Dissolving pants from Desiree.

Yes. Here they are. They look like normal pants.

Get 'em wet. Get 'em wet.

Oh. They fall apart.

It's such a shame that you've

introduced those on this show cos I genuinely would buy those

for Alex.

I'd love for your truth to be revealed to the public.

Truth? Yeah. I've always called it my truth.

That's what I call it. I call it my truth as well.

So a strong opener I would say. OK.

Desiree, a strong opener. Morgana. Dissolving pants?

No, but I have brought with me today

the most ridiculous thin thing that I could find which is

Vic Reeves' beard hair.

Oh. And we can see it, I think, being

plucked from the face of Vic Reeves.

Take your pick. Go on.

Did you get it? Cool. Put it in. Look.

Oh.

OK. Wow. You're just in a pub there?

Yeah, just, just met up at Co-op.

The video was ridiculous. So ridiculous.

What you were wearing was ridiculous. Yeah.

The concept's ridiculous. Is the hair ridiculous?

Oh. Hmm.

I was trying to start a heated debate but no-one gives a shit.

Guz. Hi.

Can you beat a hair? Can you beat some dissolving pants?

Who knows? I actually think they're both very good.

But I chose this in particular to please one person

and one person only and that is you.

Well done. But... Thank you. Let's have a look.

Here it is. It's a picture of this person.

Oh. Alex Horne as Where's Wally. Let me explain.

If we weren't in a pandemic I'm sure like a,

a genuinely plausible task of his might be

to take us all to a very crowded place,

Alton Towers in the summer,

full of kids all shitting all over the place

and he would say in as quickly as you can, "Search for me."

On school trips.

You've seen kids shitting themselves?

One kid when we were in primary school on

a log flume - never lived it down.

What was his name? Shitty Sajid.

And he started saying

the name before you even asked him for the name.

Um, Alan.

I've brought in an LP, vinyl LP from the 1980s.

They're thin. They're thin.

Uh, it's a time when I was a student.

It's a time when Nelson Mandela was still in prison,

the Berlin Wall was still up.

Keep it light.

And I chose to buy, in 1987,

Popped in, Sold out by Wet Wet Wet.

Here it is. Popped in, Sold out - Wet Wet Wet.

Aw.

What's your favourite Wet Wet Wet song, Alex?

I liked it when they were Wet Wet Wet Wet Wet Wet.

You know they had five Wets for a while.

Yeah, then they cut it down. Yeah.

OK, Victoria.

I have brought in something that I made.

Oh, Christ. Let's have a look at it.

OK, here it is. There it is. Now.

Oh, oh, well done.

You remember some time ago, I brought in

the most elegant thing beginning with G,

Greedy Esquire, but he's thin.

Shall we just have a look at him? Yes, we can see.

Look there we go. Very thin.

You ridiculed him. I don't find him ridiculous.

I don't think he's at all ridiculous but you find him ridiculous.

Let's see you put me last now.

Right. Very good.

So, if you don't mind me saying, somewhat aggressively submitting

Mr Greedy Esquire again for

the most ridiculous thin thing which I...

I'm gonna doff my invisible cap to her.

Checkmate. Or doff it.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, right this is easy. Sorry, Guz.

Where's Wally, it's not ridiculous enough for me.

I genuinely would expect

to see Alex wearing that outfit of his own volition.

I feel mean about this

but a single hair on its own in

isolation's not that ridiculous even though Vic Reeves is one of

the most ridiculous people there is.

Two points to Morgana and her mouth is wide open.

Not gonna make the Wet Wet Wet album

the most ridiculous thing. It's undeniably thin.

It's undeniably ridiculous

and there's a bit of quality on there as well.

Three points to Alan.

Four points to Desiree and really

because I imagined them dissolving off you.

Ah. Victoria with an absolute masterful hand by

a poker professional,

she takes the five points with Mr Greedy Esquire.

Yes. Yeah, baby.

All right, then, come on, let's see some action.

Yes. And let's see a spot of DIY action.

These look kind of like billiard balls but not. Billiard balls.

I guess, I don't even know,

what it is in this country actually.

I don't even know. Snooker, sorry, uh,

or snucker or snooker.

Put up a shelf for all the Taskmaster's snucker balls,

snooker, whatever.

All of Taskmaster's snooker balls must be at the Taskmaster's eyeline.

Only the Taskmaster's snooker balls may be on the finished shelf.

Fastest wins.

Your time starts now.

Put up a shelf. Yes, please.

How tall is he? I'm not sure. He seems tall.

Six foot six?

I'm gonna go and Google how, how tall he is.

All right. Can I... have you got a phone?

Yes.

Can you Google for me?

OK. Tell me what to type in?

How tall is Greg?

How, how tall is...

Greg...

Greg Davies.

How are we spelling that?

Uh, how tall is Greg from Taskmaster?

OK.

Right, Morgana appears not to be 100% sure who I am.

I am now.

Good. Yeah.

Desiree says snucker.

Like cooker.

It's hard to know which British pronunciations of,

you know, your language are the ones that you follow

because is it book, uh, look, snook.

Snucker's not a word in any...

Snicker?

..in any land. OK, fine. Snooker.

What's first on our agenda?

Move over, handy Andy and Craig from Big Brother.

Make way for Handy Morgandy

and Victoria from Only Connect. Here we go.

I don't, I... What? Ugh.

Ugh!

You seem quite outraged.

Well, I don't know how you put up a shelf.

A shelf? A shelf, please.