Taskmaster

Hello!

I'm Greg Davies.

Welcome, everybody, to a very special Taskmaster New Year's Treat.

Yes, it's that time of year for drawing a line

under ugly aspects of your life,

starting afresh - what am I talking about?

I'm talking about that lump on the sofa next to you that you married!

And the kids! It's not like they're doing well at school. Get rid!

It's also that time of year when we open up Taskmaster

to those in the public eye that wouldn't normally qualify.

"Oh, how hard can Taskmaster be?" they say?

"I'm versatile, I'll call my agent."

Well, they're about to find out what a terrible mistake that call was.

And I don't want to put a damper on the night

but, from our calculations,

at least one of these people has done so badly that the damage to

their reputation will result in a complete cessation of work

and lead ultimately and directly to the loss of their home.

So...

...let's greet them with the applause that they currently deserve.

Please welcome Amelia Dimoldenberg.

Carol Vorderman.

Greg James.

Sir Mo Farah.

And Rebecca Lucy Taylor.

And next to me, a man who told me in a private moment

that he believes climate change is a hoax propagated by, and I quote,

"Liberal pussies who don't know how to party."

It's little Alex Horne!

Right, what's the prize task for this special little treat, Alex?

Oh, dear, has Daddy forgotten?

Well, you've asked them to bring in

the thing which Greg would be most surprised that you own.

The overall winner of this special show will win all

the surprising things plus your gigantic golden eyebrows.

What a way to kick off a new year.

Wowee!

Yes, hot pyjamas.

The trophy that we use in the series is bad enough

but this is truly worthless, isn't it?

Amelia, hello. Hi.

Welcome to the show.

What have you brought in that I would be surprised that you own?

A coffin for a fly.

Purpose built. Here it is.

Why did you make it?

Because a fly died and it needed to be... have a coffin.

Yeah, checks out.

I think it's so sweet. Is that an indication

of what you were like as a child?

No. No. No, actually. I don't really like animals.

I am reasonably surprised.

It was either that or a fried egg rug.

Oh. No, I'd stick with the fly coffin. Yeah, great.

Carol Vorderman.

Where do you think I live most of the time?

I imagine you live somewhere very glamorous, Carol.

Well, that's what people would imagine.

But, for about three or four months in the year I live in this.

It's the Vorder-van.

Wow. Yeah, now that is a van.

I mean it, it looks like a vehicle belonging to a serial killer.

So, on the top of it we've got this metal piece

which has been welded on the top,

and then it folds out like that, brrr,

and you climb up and then you can lie up there and you just,

like that, looking at the stars all night.

Is it fair to say that in public

you're not trying to keep a low profile?

Do you poo in the van?

Yeah, cos it's a compost toilet.

I didn't think you were gonna ask

Carol Vorderman if she poos in a van. So...

Yeah, I didn't pre-plan it, myself.

Well, Carol, I am quite surprised that you own what appears

to be a military vehicle.

Hello, Greg. Hello, Greg. Welcome to the show.

What have you brought in that will surprise me?

I'm gonna surprise you with a unique piece of artwork,

where the Virgin Mary is being played by Jonathan Ross

and fat baby Jesus is played by Chris Moyles.

What a harrowing image.

And it was made for me as a gift for joining Radio 1.

I mean, Jonathan looks exhausted on that.

He's a heavy baby.

Moyles looks like he's fully filled his nappy doesn't he? In that image.

It's absolutely terrifying.

It's like an epitaph to the '90s, isn't it?

Hello, Sir Mo Farah.

You're our first ever sir.

Must be your greatest achievement so far.

It's sitting in front of you.

You and I, Mo, are very physically different characters, aren't we?

I stood next to Mo backstage,

I think it's worthy of showing everyone.

Mo, surprise me, what have you brought us in?

My hairdryer.

Nice. Has it ever been plugged in, Mo?

Yeah, a few times. Yeah? When I go for a run... Yeah.

...I'm always freezing and cold and, yeah, it just makes me feel good.

If blow drying your patently bald head helps you feel good,

it's good enough for me. Yeah.

Let me ask you a question though. Do you ever, uh...

...go down south?

I wouldn't say no, would I?

We've all done it, haven't we? You ever blow dried your pubes?

Have I ever not?

Mo, I'm genuinely surprised that you own a hairdryer.

Very clever.

Rebecca, welcome. Hello.

How are you? I'm absolutely beside myself.

Are you? Yeah. Are you excited?

I really love this television program me loads.

We like having her on it, don't we? Yes, I'm beside you. Yeah.

You've had a very busy year being a pop star and that. Yeah.

What would surprise me that a pop star owns?

Uh, a sculpture of me in the bath.

Are you ready to see Rebecca in the bath?

I... I don't know.

Well, here she is.

Ooh!

Am I surprised?

A shallow bath. It's a shallow bath, yeah.

You're barely doing the key areas there.

It's actually an ashtray I made during the pandemic.

Oh, you made it as an adult?

Now, that is surprising.

Well, there's five quite contrasting prizes there, Greg.

Can I just say what you've just written down on your card?

You've written Greg Davies. Yeah.

I meant to write Greg James.

I'm so self-interested, I cancelled out the James.

Well, the bad news is, Greg, I wrote Greg James down

because you're getting one point.

One point to Greg Davies. Yeah.

Two points to?

Well, I'm sorry Rebecca, I'm not that surprised by your sculpture.

I really liked it. That's fair.

Amelia I'm giving you three points for your fly coffin

cos I think it's quite a strange thing to have. OK, brilliant.

The big numbers, Greg, big numbers.

Yeah, well, I didn't think that Vorderman could surprise me

but, by having a military van with an electronic roof,

she did surprise me. She gets four points. Four to Carol.

But no-one would predict that Sir Mo Farah had a hairdryer!

It's impossible! How could you?

Five points to Sir Mo Farah.

Let us start the contest proper.

Have you got a task ready?

Well, you can count on that, Greg.

You can count on that.

Hello. Hi, Greg.

Hello. Oh, hi, Carol Vorderman.

Hello, Sir Mo Farah.

Amelia Dimoldenberg. Hey. Hello.

Hello. Hello, Rebecca. Hello.

I got a job interview, haven't I?

Big Greg. Yeah.

I'm little Greg to him.

Don't touch that, whatever you do. Argh. Yep.

Very long surname. Dimoldenberg.

I know, but it's phonetic, so Di-molden-berg.

So, there you go.

Here we are, RLT.

Rebecca Lucy Taylor.

Really likeable tart.

Sort of circles.

This looks like a maths puzzle.

Ah.

"Count all the dots on this card."

"You may not touch or mark the card." Sorry for touching it.

"You must give an answer in ten minutes."

"And must answer the door

"and obey the instructions every time the doorbell rings."

Oh, no. "Most accurate final answer wins."

What are you doing, Carol? I'm counting.

Would you mind saying the last line of the...?

Oh, yeah, "Your time starts now."

Vorders, I think you're onto a loser here already

cos everyone's expecting you to do well when counting's involved.

Yeah, but I think I did do well. Ooh.

Nice. No-one ever says that.

I bumped into Rachel Riley at a show and she said that on Countdown

she works all the sums out live but you used to have a calculator.

No, she didn't.

Classic toxic masculinity pitting women against each other.

Yeah. You're right, she didn't say that. She's a huge fan of yours.

I'm just... I wanted to get some beef going.

I didn't realise it was cos I was so hateful of women.

That's the thing, Greg. Let's have a look.

OK, fresh from another Chicken Shop Date it's Amelia Dimoldenberg.

And fresh from being named the Guardian's album of the year,

Self Esteem, it's Rebecca Lucy Taylor.

Can I have a pen and paper, please? Yeah, here you go. Thank you.

29.

That's the door, Amelia.

29.

Wear these goggles until the doorbell rings.

Oh, my God.

I usually pay someone to see like this.