That '70s Show

Okay, let me get this straight.

After my grandpa's funeral, Kelso and Annette are making out.

Jackie sees them and yells, "Get off my boyfriend"?

Right in front of you?

Yeah, it brought the whole funeral way down.

Hyde, that's horrible, man.

You know what's even worse? I totally missed it.

Yeah? Well, nobody else missed it.

Half the freaking town was there.

Man, today at The Hub, you know

that kid Jimmy with the headgear?

He said he felt bad for me.

Jimmy Headgear felt bad for me!

I knew it was a mistake hooking up

with Jackie and I did it anyway.

You know why? 'Cause she makes you stupid.

I bet Kelso was composing symphonies before her.

Hyde. Man, I just wanted to say I'm sorry,

'cause what Jackie did to you was embarrassing.

I mean, you must be so embarrassed.

I told a lot of people what happened

and they all agreed that it was

just really embarrassing.

Kelso, now is not the time.

No, I just wanna buck our boy up,

'cause what happened to him was so embarrassing!

That's it. I'm gonna kick your ass. Forman, hold my...

Whoa, whoa! Okay, you know what? Why don't we go upstairs?

We got that new J.C. Penney catalog.

There's a full-color section on bras.

Word has it the airbrush guy totally missed a nipple.

I don't know why he's so mad. I was just being sensitive!

Well, be sensitive to me because I'm upset, too.

If you expect me to go to the Valentine's dance tonight,

you're gonna have to do a few things for me.

For you, or to you?

Shut up! One. You will not speak to Jackie.

Two. You will not speak to girls

who have brown hair like Jackie.

Three. You will not speak to Jackie.

Wait.

I got messed up.

Yeah, baby, whatever you want. Just...

Man, it's great being under someone's thumb again!

What did your mother do to you?

Man, I just feel bad for Hyde.

I mean, Annette wants me. Jackie wants me.

I mean, my good looks are ruining people's lives.

Well, Hyde seems pretty mad.

Whatever, man, I'm not afraid of him.

He got away!

Help me!

So, have you talked to Hyde about

the whole "Get off my boyfriend" disaster?

No. And why is everyone making such a big deal about it?

It's like every time I walk into a room, people look at me funny.

Donna, how do you deal with it?

Jackie, the reason people are making a big deal about it

is because it sounds like you still have feelings for Kelso.

Well, I don't.

I think the only reason I said it

was because I was having an allergic reaction

to the Formans' cheap generic soda.

Oh, no! A giant redhead!

Please don't crush me! Please!

Fez, would you stop screwing around?

Now, did you finish the balloon walkway of love yet?

You bet I did.

When Nina sees it, she's gonna be so impressed,

her balloons will become my walkway

of love, if you know what I mean.

Fez, that's disgusting.

Oh, no, the giant's angry!

Run for your lives! Run! Run!

Hello, Wisconsin!

Mrs. Forman, this chili is great.

Thanks.

Daddy used to love my chili. Remember, Mom?

I remember it gave him the toots.

Well, that's a nice place to start the reminiscing.

So, Eric, are you excited about your big Valentine's dance?

Yeah. I'm just glad it's in the gym.

There's nothing like celebrating

the most romantic night of your life

in the room where I got my first wedgie.

It meant I liked you, Eric.

If you don't mind, I'd like to talk about my father.

Well, Kitty, we can dwell on what was, or we can talk about what is.

If I've learned anything from losing my Burtie Bear,

it's that all that really matters

is making sure that the people we love know we love them.

Mom, that was wonderful.

I mean it.

Eric, I love you.

Oh. Well, thanks, Grandma.

Kitty...

I think I'll go for a walk.

Well, this was fun.

I'm gonna go to bed for a few days.

Oh, no.

She hasn't done this since Elvis died on the crapper.

Now I've gotta sit by her bed for four days

and tell her that she's beautiful.

It's hard to say that to a cold-cream-smeared loony in bunny slippers.

I remember that week. The shades were drawn.

The food supply ran low.

We were sucking on bouillon cubes just to stay alive.

Yeah, but did you hear what your grandma said

about love being the only thing that matters?

Eric, we should tell her that we're engaged.

What?

Well, she could be the one person who'd be happy for us.

We're gonna need someone on our side when we tell our families.

Yeah. And you know what?

Even if she's not on our side, the minute Grandma thinks it's a bad idea,

my mom will be booking the big room at the Holiday Inn

just out of spite.

So, it's a win-win. Yeah.

We're gonna do what Luke Skywalker was too afraid to do.

Use the dark side to our advantage.

Eric, if we're gonna be married,

you've really gotta ease up on the Star Wars stuff.

All right? It doesn't apply to everything.

I'm gonna have to rewrite my vows.

My favorite song?

The Most Beautiful Girl In The World.

The light I look best in?

It's a tie between 20-watt, soft-pink bulbs

and mid-summer sunset.

Very good, Michael.

God, I missed this.

Oh, hey. Have you guys seen Steven?

I hear a weird, piercing noise,

but I don't know where it's coming from.

Do you hear anything, Michael?

Yeah, it's just Jackie.

Jackie, I'm sorry you have to see me in this T-shirt.

I know how it emphasizes my hunkalicious bod.

Shut up, Michael, okay? I made a stupid slip. It meant nothing.

Right, because Michael is my boyfriend.

I know he is, skankwad.

Oh, I'm a skankwad?

Girl fight! Let's get it on!

We are not gonna fight.

Well, maybe you should kiss and make up.

Let's get it on!

What? What? Wait.

Ah, I'll go with the blonde.

Kitty, I'm just going to the corner to get you some soup.

I'm not leaving you for somebody younger and less dramatic.

This is your fault.

If I wanna get my wife out of bed, I gotta tie a rope around her

and attach it to my bumper and pull her out like a stump.

So, what were you saying, dear?

Well, I was saying that I'm getting married.

Oh, honey, how wonderful!

So, who's the lucky girl?

Well...

Donna. Oh.

Well, I guess this is a small town.

Okay, what the hell did that mean?

That, my friend, is the seldom heard but much feared Grandma burn.

Your only warning is the jingle of costume jewelry

and the overpowering scent of Bengay.

Well, you and Jackie are certainly a mess.

I remember before Nina, when my love life was a mess.

It's perfect now, though. Not like yours, which is a mess.

Steven, I've called three times in the last half-hour.

Yeah, I figured it was you 'cause all the calls came

during the commercials in The Newlywed Game.

So, what? Now you're not taking my calls?

Why are you making such a big deal about this?

Because it is a big deal when you yell, "Get off my boyfriend,"

to a girl who's on someone who's not me.

Steven, I cannot be held responsible

for the things that come out of my mouth.

It didn't mean anything.

So, that's your story? "It didn't mean anything?"

Right. Right. So, you just need to get over it.

Oh, yeah. Don't worry, I'm over it.