King of the Hill

So, you three are the only heirs of Cotton Hill?

Yes. I am Junichiro, and these are my brothers,

Good Hank and Hank.

Good Hank? So, is he Bad Hank?

Just Hank, and they're my half-brothers.

Okay, well, our firm handled the Shin Jelly class action suit.

We have a $5,000 payout for you three.

It was sold with the promise that it would help grow shins back,

but it was only lotion and hot sauce.

I rubbed that gunk into his stumps every night.

We thought the burning meant it was working.

I told Cotton it was a complete waste of money,

and then he told me I was a complete waste of money.

- -

Where's this elevator coming from? Hell?

Have you thought about how you want to spend your part of the settlement?

G.H., did you hear your mother ask you a question?

He's always ignoring me,

locked in his room on his computer.

He needs a positive male influence in his life.

Well, he's got $1,000 now!

- How did it go, Hank? - I'll tell you in the car.

- Keep walkin'. Don't look back. - Hank, please!

Can G.H. stay with you for a little while over summer break?

- Just think about it! - What is this?

Didi is asking me to spend time with G.H.

Do you not want to, honey?

He's a teenager.

I wanna spend my retired years

with people who remember when quarterbacks stayed in the pocket.

Hank, do not look at Good Hank as a teen.

Honey, he is your brother.

Fine,

but if he's my brother,

she's your mother-in-law.

No, she--

Ugh...

Oh, I'm so sorry, Mom!

I totally meant to call you back

and tell you that I couldn't make it today.

We're behind in prepping for the Dallas Foodie Week.

That is apparently this week!

And not next week!

I got the month right.

In short, Mom, no pickleball.

- But, next week's wide open? - No, no, no, no!

Dammit! We need a better system!

Love you! Miss you--

- - Oh, he hung up.

How are we supposed to play with an odd number? Hm, Peggy Hill?

Since your son abandoned you again.

I am sure you two know how it is, now that our kids are grown.

They just do not have time for their parents.

Connie and I talk all the time. She loves me!

Really? That must be because she is a girl.

Joseph needs me every day.

But, that may be because he's a Joseph.

- Dink! -

Hoyeah!

It's not fair.

Your hips are so wide, Peggy Hill.

You cover more space.

Ah! Sonovabitch!

- - Damn, Peggy Hill.

Your knee looks like a baboon butt.

Oh, Sug, you're gonna need to see a doctor.

Oh! I am fine.

- - Ow!

O-Okay. Maybe you're right.

Do either of you know of an orthopedic I can go to?

Well, I do, but they're all the way in Dallas.

That's fine. Can either of you give me a ride?

Hell no! Too far! You have a son.

- Use it. - Oh, yeah.

Bobby is in Dallas.

I can't believe I used to be worried about Bobby and his prop comedy.

G.H. is even worse!

He just spends a lot of time in that room by himself.

Oh, he's probably, you know,

shakin' hands with the milkman.

- Yep. - Damn straight, man.

That's not something Hill men do, Bill.

I didn't at his age.

I did! Some of the ladies

in that Zapruder film were very shapely.

- Gah! - It's all fake anyway.

When you take me home afterward,

I insist on making you

Spa-Peggy and meatballs for dinner

as a way of saying thank you.

I made a secret change to the recipe.

Instead of just adding the right amount of sugar,

I add the perfect amount of sugar.

That sounds really nice, Mom, but I need to get back to the restaurant.

I was gonna have Joseph drive you back to Arlen

after the MRI.

- Oh. Joseph. -

Yeah, he wouldn't mind. He wants to see his mom anyway.

Oh! Yes, of course, honey. You get back to the restaurant.

That is priority numéro uno.

It's just that Emilio is texting me

with four exclamation points, and I don't know what that is!

- I'm gonna send him four question marks! -

It's, um...

What you're doin' all the time, uh...

it's natural, but it's setting up

unrealistic expectations.

Most repairmen won't accept payment in anything other than cash or--

It's not porn! I'm looking into personal development opportunities.

Okay, well, let's see then.

you're probably feeling purposeless and weak,

like you're wading in a pit of crap.

That's because you've lost track of the Four F-Bombs.

Family, faith,

- finances, and fitness. -

- - Don't worry, we've all been there.

Over the course of one weekend,

I can give you the tools to build up your F-Bombs.

But only those committed and relentless

can crawl outta that crappy pit...

- ManMade. -

This looks like some good old-fashioned character building.

Eli's the GOAT.

He has a two-day "Boot Camp-inar" coming to Arlen tomorrow.

I was gonna go with my settlement money,

but boys under 18 can't go without an adult male "mantor."

I tell you what, G.H., I'll be your "man-tor,"

although I don't see how that's better than mentor,

but I'll also even pay for it,

as long as you complete all the F-Bombs.

Sick!

Not the best start.

So, you are going to slide me into this narrow pipe,

magnetize my organs--

Just relax, Mrs. Hill, and this will all be over before you know it,

- and your son can get you back to Arlen. - Okay, got it.

- Oh... -

- Mrs. Hill. -

- - Get me... Dammit.

Get me out! Call my son!

Or text him! It is what he prefers!

Just take slow, deep breaths.

Mrs. Hill, calm down. You're having a panic attack.

Oh, I do not know what that was, but I assure you,

I am much too strong for it to have been a panic attack.

Maybe we reschedule you for tomorrow.

Fine. If you insist.

I hope your machine is fixed by then.

Don't worry, Mom.

Staying here makes more sense than you going back to Arlen,

just to come back tomorrow for your MRI.

Make yourself at home.

I gotta work on some sauces for Dallas Foodie Week,

so I'll be in the kitchen,

emulsifying all night.

Yes, that is as sexy as it sounds.

Don't you mind me at all.

I will be out of your way. Just point me to the TV remote,

and you go get saucy.

Here you go, Mrs. Hill.

Joseph, what is that?

Oh! That's Lead Dead Redemption,

the apartment pencil fight champ.

Bobby got tired of losing, so I retired it.

So, what is this pencil fighting?

A guy holds his pencil with both hands, like this,

and another guy uses his own pencil to try and break it.

Would a pencil like this work?

The only rule is it has to be a wood pencil,

but... it takes years of practice and training

to get the technique just right.

Especially if you're gonna take on Lead Dead Redemption.

You hold it... something like this?

Uh, you'll never get enough force holding it like that--

- Hoyeah! - Ah!

- Lead Dead! - What?!

Of course I know what pencil fighting is!

I was a substitute detention teacher for years.

I will call her "Leadward Scissorhands."

- And now, she's the champ here. - Hold up!