Bill Maher: The Kennedy Center Mark Twain Prize for American Humor

Welcome to the John F. Kennedy Center

for the Performing Arts in Washington, D.C.

Please welcome the 27th recipient

of the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, Bill Maher.

Hey, guys.

Love you people.

Thank you everybody. Thank you so much.

Thank you very much.

My God. Thank you.

How'd you get this seat?

Hey!

Let the band play.

I am so proud to be here in Washington, D.C.,

which I have just recently learned is the nation's capital.

- -

For 27 years, the nation's most prestigious prize in comedy

has been presented to the biggest names in entertainment.

I was born in New York City.

The First Amendment is first for a reason.

The Second Amendment is just in case the first one doesn't work out.

Can I get a "Hell yeah"?

Hell yeah!

How does it feel to have my hand on your tiny little head?

I've had and I am still having a great ride,

and this prize is the cherry on top of the sundae. Ta-da!

Thank you for the most wonderful night of my life. Thanks, everybody.

Thanks, you guys.

Tonight, we add another name

to this pantheon of American comedy legends.

Bill Maher.

From the Kennedy Center in Washington, D.C.,

welcome to the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor.

Tonight's first guest was born right here in Washington, D.C.

She's a comedian, writer, actress, and podcaster.

Please welcome Whitney Cummings.

Welcome to the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor

honoring comedy legend Bill Maher.

- -Thank you.

This is easily the highest honor for a comedian,

and I just want to start by reminding everyone

that it takes a very specific person to be a stand-up comedian,

but it takes an even more specific person to choose to be a political one.

Becoming a political comedian is like becoming a surgeon

and choosing colorectal.

This man chose to spend his life dealing with assholes.

And if that metaphor was too weird,

I have another one that could help you understand

how masochistic it is to do what Bill Maher does.

Being a political comedian is like being a sports commentator

who chooses to only talk about the Washington Commanders.

-Oh. -

Or as Bill calls them, the Redskins.

Say what you want about Bill Maher, but you can't say he's not a patriot.

For 30 years, Bill Maher has selflessly dedicated his life

to using humor to unite a fraught nation,

relentlessly working to heal the divide between the left and the right.

And congrats, Bill. Mission accomplished.

- -

Bill is a loyal fighter for equality and justice.

Day in and day out,

he's committed his life to making sure that women,

people of color, and the disenfranchised all have equal access

to the opinion of an unmarried, childless white millionaire

for only 23 dollars a month.

For only 270 dollars a year,

anyone can watch Bill Maher tell a Nobel Prize winning physicist

they don't know what the fuck they're talking about.

In that one case, it was true.

Now, I'm sure you think that I'm gonna make fun of Bill tonight

for never having been married,

but that's not the way that I see it at all.

For 40 years, Bill has been in a very committed,

very toxic relationship with the United States of America.

Bill and America are like that couple everyone thinks should get divorced,

but in Bill's mind,

if he can just get her to rehab one more time,

she'll get back to being the Lady Liberty he fell in love with,

not some manic depressive who gets wasted and tries to buy Greenland.

Bill doesn't really let anything slide,

but he's also that cool stepdad who's like, "Look, if you drink,

as long as you call me, I'll come pick you up, no questions asked."

"But I am stoned,

so it's gonna take me a while to come pick you up."

Well…

Okay.

Bill is a warrior for free speech.

He believes you should be able to say anything at any time,

especially when someone else is mid-sentence.

Which I'm actually fine with.

Mark Twain once wrote, "Few things are more irritating

than when someone who is wrong is also very effective

in making his point."

I don't think Bill sees it as interrupting someone.

I think he sees it as not letting someone finish their lie.

And I think Mark Twain would approve.

Bill embodies the essence of Mark Twain in more ways than you may even know.

I just found out that they're similar with regards

to their business acumen. Both men, very shrewd investors.

Mark Twain had actually put all of his money into new technology,

including the revolutionary Paige typesetting machine.

And Bill just went halfsies on a weed store.

Hey, bro.

With Woody Harrelson.

Bill Maher has always been ahead of his time,

whether it's pushing for the legalization of marijuana

or being chosen as The Advocate's Person of the Year in 2006.

He was praised for speaking out for gay marriage, which he made time to do

in between speaking out against straight marriage.

- -

But being ahead of your time often comes with some blowback and some criticism,

and I have news for Bill Maher's critics. Comedians see backlash as a sign

that we're probably doing something right, okay?

We all know that Bill got some heat for having dinner with President Trump,

but everyone missed that he went there to prove a point

that he's been trying to prove for years.

Seeing Donald Trump, Dana White, and Kid Rock together

in the White House once and for all proves there really is no God.

I'm just glad that we could all celebrate Bill tonight,

even though, you know, Trump is now the board chair of this venue.

I actually just found out, I didn't know,

he actually does have a lot of power here, and he has say

in what productions go on here, so enjoy this fall's three-month run

of White Hamilton.

Tonight, we celebrate Bill Maher's huge body of work,

including his TV shows, his podcast,

and if you haven't seen all of Bill's 13 stand-up specials,

I highly recommend you watch them or re-watch them

because they're somehow even funnier and more relevant today.

I love seeing Bill do stand-up in his happy place on stage alone,

not pretending to listen to other people talk. Let's roll the clip.

I mean, his economic theory was called trickle down.

They're actually saying, "We're pissing on you."

"That's the theory. We have all the money."

"If we drop some, that's yours. Go for it, man."

You know, we have the Bill of Rights.

We need a corresponding Bill of Responsibilities.

You know, free speech used to be a liberal thing,

but then they got it in their head that getting their feelings hurt

was more important than the First Amendment.

They do this all the time.

They do something nutty, and then they blame me for noticing.

And say, "Oh, you're a Republican now."

I'm not a Republican, and I never have been,

so let's get that shit off the table.

I'm not a Republican for all the reasons I never have been before.

They're too religious.

They're fiscal hypocrites who absolutely hate it

when America spends money it doesn't have, except when they're in office,

and then it's always perfectly okay.

They're in denial about racism, which is still a thing.

They think climate change is a hoax and the weather girl's tits are real.

Democrats still need to do one more study to cover their ass.

So, they did a study to find out

whether having gays in the ranks would impede readiness.

Yeah, exactly. How do you even study this?

"Uh, Johnson, get in here and blow me…"

"…while I fire this rifle at those targets down there."

"Let me dig in here."

"And then we will repeat the experiment when you're not blowing me."

"And we'll see if it impedes readiness. All right, here we go."

"A little to the left."

-"No, not you, you're perfect." -

You know what makes me feel old?

The way people have sex in movies.

You know, I mean, they're always so hot when they do it.

It's in an elevator or they're up against a fence somewhere.

They just get inside and clear shit off and go.

They just clear shit and go.

Do you fuck like this?

Do you just get inside and clear and go?

You know, I'd be like, "No, my mother gave me that."

The worst they said

that Michael Jackson ever did was a little grabby-grabby

under the covers, which, don't get me wrong,

I don't condone that either, that's a crime.

But a little nuance, okay? Because you know what?

When I was 12 years old,

I was once brutally beaten up on the playground by two bullies,

just punched in the face. And if I could go back to 1968…

…trade that experience with being gently masturbated by a pop star,

-I would do it in a New York minute. -

Frankie Valli could jerk me off.

Glen Campbell could jerk me off.

Tommy James & the Shondells could jerk me off.

I said from the beginning, he was never going to concede if he lost.

Everyone was like, "Oh, Bill, you smoke too much pot."

Well, apparently I smoke just the right amount of pot.

You know who I feel sorry for in America is whores.

Because what can a whore wear anymore?

-You know… -