Crashing

So... thanks again, guys.

This... this was a real lifesaver.

Don't even mention it, dude. Anytime.

No, I would've been homeless,

- so you really saved me. - Dude, listen,

I'm sorry, but, like, I'd have you stay longer,

but, you know, my cousin's coming to town. You know how that is.

Don't mention it. Family... family first. I get it.

- Peace out, man. - Bye.

- Oh! - Every time.

- You're gonna miss that, aren't you? - I am.

I left my key on the tub.

Thank you. See you, Pete.

Did he buy it?

I do not care.

That guy sucks.

Hello?

- Artie? - Uh, Pete!

Hey, what's up, man?

Hey, what's going on with you, man?

I haven't seen you since Albany.

You were holding coke for me up there.

I... I'm sorry, man.

That woman was gonna take you down a dark path.

I... I had to intercept.

- I... I thwarted you. I'm... - You thwarted me?

Yeah, I'm sorry. I... I thought maybe you're mad?

Mad? Are you kidding me? I'm proud of ya.

I mean, I thought you... I dunno.

Listen, she was all right looking. Did you fuck her?

It was the craziest night of my life.

I... I got pepper-sprayed by that woman,

then we went back to her place, she gave me cocaine,

and I pretended to do cocaine.

Sorry. Is someone... Is someone else there?

I... Okay, hold on. Wait. You were pepper-sprayed

and then, um...

like, how do you pretend to do cocaine?

You hold the cocaine up to your face,

but you blow out instead of sucking in.

Sorry, who is this?

Well, listen, man, you're on my podcast,

- and that's Sarah Silverman. - Hi, Peaches.

Artie, you...

Hi, Sarah.

Big fan.

I wanna hear more about this story. This is a good story.

Yeah, yeah, get over here, man.

We'll... we'll fuck around on the air.

You... You want me to come on your podcast with Sarah Silverman?

Yeah, yeah, come on down.

Sarah, if I can just say that Wreck-It Ralph is

maybe one of my favorite movies...

Definitely one of my favorite movies of all time...

All right, whatever. Okay, great.

Hello?

Okay.

I was already a comedian when I lost my virginity.

I was 19, but, you know, it was...

True story. I lost my virginity to a Brazilian hooker

in the back of my father's handicap van.

No lie. It was in the parking lot of a diner.

- Sounds so right. - I miss her.

I actually miss her. Now, Pete, have you lost your virginity yet?

I have had sex with a woman, my wife.

Oh, your wife.

On our wedding night. That's when I lost my virginity.

Your wedding night. You waited.

Yeah, well... yes. It's in the Bible not to have sex before marriage.

- It is? - So, we would like dry-hump and...

Oh my God, I miss dry-humping.

Me too. I miss the third grade.

Dry-humping's romantic. It's like a friction-based cum.

- That's right. - Please.

Well, if you love dry-humping, you'll be happy to know

that it's very big in the Christian community...

Well into your late 20s. Oh my God, when I was six and seven,

I was so slutty with the furniture in my house.

I... I felt guilty. I thought I was cheating with the corner of my bed

with the corner of the couch.

I'm just saying, we were very "wait till marriage" people,

- and so... - But that's just a loophole.

If you're not supposed to have sex,

and then you're just grinding and creaming your jeans...

- Really, yeah. - ...you think you're tricking God?

"You better be cumming in your pants and not having sex."

- That... that is how absurd it is. - "That's important to me."

- Think about it. - Sex is a special thing when you wait

and you've only done it with that person. I don't...

You didn't have oral sex before marriage even?

Well... one time, but that's when I knew we were gonna get married.

- Right. - She gave me a blow job...

- Oh, great. - ...and instead of enjoying it,

I swear, I was like, "Maybe August."

- Like I was planning... - "Maybe August" for what?

- That's so romantic. - To get married,

because I knew I was only...

Oh! You were thinking about centerpieces

- while you were getting a blow job? - Yes!

It was like an engagement blow job.

You know what's a great blow job?

A divorce blow job is a great blow job.

- Oh really? - Yeah. 'Cause it's not from your wife.

Well...

Great live comedy tonight, guys.

We've got a great live comedy show. Great live comedy.

Great live comedy. Great live comedy tonight, 8:30.

Great live com... Hey. Oh.

Hey! I know this guy!

Sorry, I didn't... Obviously, I didn't recognize you.

- My friend Pete. - Yeah.

- The podcast. Podcast Pete. - From just hours ago.

I'm honored. Nice to see ya.

- What are you doing? - I didn't recognize you.

I'm... I'm handing out fliers for the Boston. I'm barking.

Oh, you're barking. That's your... you got a job barking.

- That's good. - Well, yeah, I mean,

I do it for stage time. If I get five people,

they let me go on at the end of the night...

if anyone's still there.

You don't have a job. How do you make money?

Great live comedy, guys.

I'm kind of in-between jobs right now.

I'm flying below the radar, staying on couches, you know.

I eat a lot of free samples.

I eat 75-cent hot dogs,

- then I get a lot of free toppings. - Oh, you're homeless.

- What's that? - You're homeless.

- No. No. - Do you have a home?

- No. But, you know... - So, you're homeless.

Not all those who wander are lost, you know?

I... You know, I stay on people's couches.

Where are you staying tonight?

I don't have anything lined up for today,

but, you know, after the show, I send out little feelers

and, "Hey, what neighborhood do you live in?"

Which train do you take?" And then I befriend them.

I can't. It's so sad. This is so sad.

And then at the end of the night, I have a pillow.

All right.

I feel like homeless people are...

It's another category.

When you're done tonight,

go here. You can stay at my place.

- What? Really? - Yeah.

I... Wow, thank you.

You know, I'm kind of in a weird place, emotionally.

I don't know if we should be...

- staying... - I'm not gonna fuck you.

I'm excited that you have that much moxie.

Maybe you can get your shit together after all.

- I misread the... - Jesus Christ.

Ask for Steve. He might fuck you.

Thank you, Sarah!

Uh, we got a... we got a... We got a place to stay.

Great live comedy. Ha!

Come see me at 1:15 a.m. tonight.

I think if birds knew how many dumb names we call them,

they'd take down a lot more planes.

Right? Just get all the birds together

take out a bunch of planes.

What... What is going on?

Nobody showed up.

Nobody?

There was a guy here earlier,

but he saw what was happening, and he left.

So, what, do we just cancel everything? No show?

Well, he's got a really funny new bit

that he's work... Working out right now.

Yeah, I barked for four hours. Can I have this?

Has anybody seen Mr. Robot?

- Yes. Yes. - Just say yes so that...

I wish it was called Mrs. Robot

and it was about the maid from The Jetsons.

That's gotta be fleshed out.

Hello?

- Hello? - Hi. Sorry. Is this Steve?

Who's asking?

This is... This is Pete?

Is... is that a question?

- What? - Are you asking me if your name is Pete?

No, this is Pete. Like, I was being polite.

- Hi, Pete. - Hi.

I'm a friend of Sarah, um, well, not really a friend.

Hey, so, um, I stay upstairs, in the guest room.

You can take the couch,

because Dave's got sciatica and sleeps on the floor.

There's laundry downstairs.

I'm assuming you're gonna wanna do that right away.

If there's anything in the dryer of mine, you can fold it.

- Hey. Who's this? - Oh, Dave, this is...

- Hey, I'm Pete, Sarah's friend. - Pete.

Did you bring a toothbrush?

- What? - Did you bring a toothbrush?

I... Yes, I have a toothbrush.

Well, good, because a lot of people

come here, they don't bring a toothbrush,

then I go in there, and I see my toothbrush is a little amiss,

but I can't be sure, so I touch it.

It's damp to the touch, but I'm still not sure.