Shrill

Annie, sweetie,

I don't feel like swimming.

I'd like you to make the most of this vacation.

You know, your dad's already down there

and he said he'd go diving for pennies with you!

- Can't I just read? -

OK, but if you change your mind, come on down.

OK.

Come on! Hurry up!

_

Aw, look at you.

I guess Lamar inspired you to cook?

Yeah, I guess he did.

Does that mean you're gonna fuck me as well?

Oh, God.

Fran. I'm... I'm sorry.

- Are you mad? - Why would I be mad?

We're one step closer to being sisters.

- Ohh. Oh, God! -

OK. I...

I hope you know that, like, Lamar and I talked,

and I was gonna tell you.

Well, he already told me. He has a very big mouth.

I mean, you knew that already, because...

- you just took his virginity. - Fran.

- No. Ohh!

I forgot that you believed in Santa until you were 16.

- My God! Ugh, what? Gullible baby possum.

- So how'd you feel about last night? I mean...

pretty fuckin' good.

Whoa!

No. What are you doing? That's my brother.

- Oh. I know. That's inappropriate.

OK, wow, no.

Tell me how you feel in terms of your emotions, and nothing more.

Well, if I'm being totally honest,

I mean, I don't know,

Ryan was just with someone else,

but I just told him how fucked up that was,

and then I went and did the exact same thing.

Like, I just, I don't know, I feel kind of...

Please don't say guilty.

- I do. I feel guilty. Great.

OK, nope. Nope.

I would like to propose and instill

a strict "No Ryan" rule in this house, thank you.

- Wha... what's that? It means never say his name,

never bring him into our home.

He is an ignorant bag of expired meat,

and I've told you and told you, and you're not listening,

and I'm getting tired of it, so I have to be strict with you.

OK, but I've been wanting to be Mrs. Expired Meat for a while.

- Oh, my God, can I have that? No.

No.

All right, it's official,

we're doing the "Thousand and One Summer Stories" issue again,

so please, let's be diligent about the overlap?

We don't need three stories about vaginal waxing.

- Plus, bush is back. - I agree.

Also, HR has a new insurance policy,

which means we have a preventative health discount program,

which means I save a buttload of money if you can manage

to pry your cheese-thighs off the couch more than once a week.

Okay, didn't you write about this

- for your obesity epidemic article? I did write about that.

- Thank you for giving a fuck. I loved that story, Gabe,

- it changed me. - Andy, fuck off.

OK, look, we're gonna be getting rid of the vending machines...

- What? - ... and we're gonna do

one heart-healthy "grouptivity" once a month,

- starting this week. - Oh, cool. Forced fun.

That's right, forced fun. I like that. Forced fun.

We're gonna call it Forced Fun,

and our first Forced Fun activity is this Saturday.

It's gonna be a ten-mile bike ride around Sauvie Island. How's that?

Actually, I just got my youngest a bike, so that'll be fun.

Oh, no, no youngest, no kids. Kids are the opposite of fun.

Kids are like mice on a glue trap,

squealing and shitting until you drown them.

All right, I've got a call in five.

That means you're gonna email me your pitches.

- That'll be all. - Oh, actually, Gabe,

if I could just give you a quick pitch...

Didn't I literally just say email the pitches?

- Yes. Yes. - But you're gonna give me a pitch.

Well, I heard about this pool party,

and it's all about inclusivity...

- I hate that word. - ... and celebrating larger bodies,

and they sent it to the calendar,

but I think it could be a cool story.

Bodies in a pool. That's not a story, Annie.

OK, but it actually is about a lot more than that.

It's about people feeling comfortable in their own skin.

The last thing we need is everybody feeling

comfortable in their own skin.

That would be the '70s.

My gut instinct is that it's not a good fit.

Great fit for the calendar. Go crazy with that.

OK, and you should definitely trust your gut,

but I also think that my last article is proof...

- - ... that my instincts might be good, too.

- Right? - Annie, we gotta pace ourselves.

Remember Gutenberg's second idea after the printing press?

- No. - Exactly.

The answer is no. Thank you so much.

- Are we good? Great. - Y-Yeah.

God! He was just so dismissive about my article.

Yeah. He just compared my human children to rodents, so...

I know. But, like, am I just back to square one?

I'm just the calendar girl now?

You've got a log-in and a password.

Just go online and upload somethin'.

Yeah, but wouldn't that make Gabe so mad?

No. Not if it's good.

Remember what happened with your last article.

I mean, that's true. That's true.

And I'm going to the party anyway.

I might as well at least see if there's an angle, right?

- Why not? - Annie Easton investigates.

Oh! Shit.

We raided the vending machine... Oh, fuck! Shit!

Fuck shit! Fuckin' shit!

I'm gonna get some candy.

Did you know that fruit was actually the original inspiration

- for candy? No.

Annie!

Oh, my God. Who is that?

Looks like Chewbacca after an acid attack.

Um, yeah, I... I actually...

- I know him. - Ew.

Yeah. Um, I'll... I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Bye.

- Hey. - What are you doing here?

You didn't answer my text. - Yeah.

Well...

are you still mad at me?

I don't know.

Annie. Hey, maybe we can...

OK, OK. I should just tell you something, OK?

Um, I was with someone else.

And I don't want to hide it from you,

and so now you know that... I fucked someone.

Oh, shit.

I don't know why you even care, honestly,

but that's what I was doing when I wasn't with you.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

- Who was it? - Someone I know.

Someone... that I have known.

- Was it Pete or Mike? - No.

God. Do you even have any sense of who those people are?

How could you do... like...

I mean, this feels fuckin' really, really bad.

Yeah. Yeah. - I feel insane right now.

I hate this!

OK, well, don't you think that that's exactly how I felt

when I saw you with that pencil girl?

I mean, I felt like shit, and now you feel like shit.

OK, let's call it even.

No, because I can't keep fucking doing this half-ass thing with you.

I mean, we've been through this, truly, a million times,

and you keep coming after me, but... but honestly,

if you don't see me as someone who you want as a girlfriend,

then I don't know what we're doing here.

I don't know what I want, OK? But I fuckin' hate this.

This feels terrible.

Yeah, well, you made it like this.

- You did this. I gotta go. - I didn't...

I didn't know that I did...

Annie, come on.

I don't know, it was kinda sad,

he, like, tracked me down, you know?

And that's what I honestly can't believe.

He came to my work.

- No Ryan. - What?

I can't even talk about how I blew him off?

No, because talking about him could lead to more obsessing,

- and we can't take that risk. - Hmm.

Oh, God. What is that?

The ATM girl gave me micro-dose shroom pills.

- I've taken like 20. - OK, but what is it?

It's just like a mini-dose of shrooms,

it gives you like a really chill vibe.

Yeah, but you took 20.

Yeah, because I flirt better when I'm high.

- Macro-dose, baby. - Oh, God.

Are you sure you're not gonna be hot?

Well, I don't want to get a sunburn.

Plus, you know, I'm here as a journalist.

It would be unprofessional for me to wear a swimsuit.

And I gotta be at Forced Fun in a couple hours, you know?

... it's hard to control. I get it when you feel emotional,

- but at the same time, it's too much. - Yeah, honestly.

- -

- Holy shit. - Fucking hell.

Who is that girl? Have fun!

She's so hot.

- I have to know her. - Let me just get my bearings

for a sec, OK?

Just... going...

- Hi. I'm Fran. Hi.