Shrill

_

Hello. I'm here for the weekday lunch buffet.

Yeah, seven bucks. You can eat anywhere except the lap dance area.

Health codes are very strict.

Why is that? Just to make sure that no ass gets in the food?

- - Are you from the Health Department?

- No, no. - 'Cause if you are,

you have to say. Otherwise it's entrapment.

No. No, no. No, I swear I'm not.

I'm actually, um, I'm a journalist.

Yeah, I'm here to write a review of the buffet

for the paper that I work for.

- Cool. - Yeah, it is kinda cool, right?

We're both here workin', doin' our jobs.

Hmm.

Oh...

Oh, it's OK, you don't have to do that.

I'm mostly here for the shrimp, so...

We literally do.

If there's a customer here, we have to dance.

- There's a sign in the break room. - Oh. OK.

Um... Oh, my God.

Wow.

Mm. Um...

do you guys make this, or... is there a chef?

It's Chinese delivery.

Oh. Really? 'Cause it's so fresh.

There's a Chinese restaurant across the street.

Hmm. OK.

Cool.

So what do you want?

Oh. Well, I was thinking I've never worn a thong before,

and I... I don't know, I just feel like it would drive me insane,

and, like, I would be worried that I was gonna get... my poop on it.

You don't wear a thong unless you have a waxed asshole.

Yeah, if you have a waxed asshole, then you can't get poop on it.

OK, that's... Of course. That makes total sense.

I'm starting to feel like I don't know anything

about my own asshole.

Put it like this.

- You have a cup of pudding, OK... - Mm-hmm.

... and you dump it on a smooth, nice countertop.

- And then you wipe it up. - Yeah.

And then you dump that pudding on grass.

What do you got?

A mess.

Wow. That's... OK, these are new ideas for me,

but they make sense.

Could I also ask you, like, does it ever feel weird

to be in your underwear and then have men come in here

and tell you what to do?

Men do not tell me what to do.

I've got a fat ass and big titties. I tell them what to do.

I never thought about it that way.

Yeah, I know some people are gonna say,

you know, "She's just a stripper."

But I'm good at it, and I make money, and I make my own rules.

- So... - Yeah.

That... that's so great. I-I love that.

- I could never pull that off. - Yes you could, bitch.

You've got a fat ass and big titties.

You should be telling men what to do.

Thank you!

That was so nice.

This is really fun. Um... Hmm!

When you come down, this is for you.

Fran, have you ever waxed your asshole?

Surprise! Happy first article!

Oh, this is so, so nice!

Are we having a little two-person party?

No, you're just early. There's gonna be other people here,

and we're gonna get fucked up in your honor.

Oh, my gosh. Well, I only rushed home

'cause I was gonna write my article,

but I guess I'll write it after we have a party...

My God. There's someone at the door.

And they're just standing there.

- Who is it? Why aren't they knocking?

What should we do?

Should I get it?

- Oh, it's Ryan... - Oh, God!!!

Oh, God, why?!

God... God, are you OK?

Where are you?

Ahh!

I could bring you to small claims court for this.

Small claims court costs $30. Do you have $30?

Of course! What do I look like?

Norm-core Ted Kaczynski.

It's still burning?

Well, I'm sorry, but I also don't know why you're here.

I wanted to talk to you, Annie.

Yeah, bye.

Apology accepted for pepper-spraying me in the face.

I don't apologize to white people.

- - I really don't know

what there is to talk about.

Honestly. What?

I was trying to figure out what I was gonna say out on the porch.

Um...

when you left my place,

that really freaked me out.

OK. Freaked out how? Like sad, scared, what?

Not scared, not sad, not not sad...

I don't know, it's like I guess...

I don't know what you're trying to say.

I like you.

OK.

You like me.

I like you, too. I always have.

But I didn't feel like I could tell you this huge thing in my life.

The abortion thing.

Yes.

And that's... that's so bad.

And if that's how it is, then we should not be together.

OK, but...

you can't just be gone.

I didn't realize I was gonna feel this bad.

I need you with me.

Like... like one of those dogs with those guys in sunglasses.

What, like a blind person and a seeing-eye dog?

No, like... I don't know. I'm not good with words.

Just tell me what you want.

OK, but you're saying all the right stuff now,

even if it is in your like, garbled way,

but you have to actually do it.

Let's go out on a date.

Like... out?

Like an "out" date?

Yeah.

OK.

I'll do that.

Good.

Mm. Mm...

What? What...

It's... you're burn...

- it's burning me. It's burning me. Oh, fuck! I'm sorry.

We should cut your bangs.

OK. Fran, you say this every time you get super-drunk,

and the one time we did it, we both cried in the morning.

You're so wise.

And pretty.

And wise.

And your hair...

Sarah's been begging me to give her a long bob.

Bitch!

What? - Bitch, are you...

are you ready for this lob?

Yeah!

Get your knife. Let's do it.

I'm gonna get my scissors,

and I'm gonna cut your hair off, bitch.

Yeeees.

That's fun.

- This is sweet. - Really?

Yeah. I'm sure Gabe wanted you to be like, "Orange chicken and tits,"

but then you gave us some "Humans are humans."

Yeah, I just, I don't know, I didn't want to make fun of them.

Annie, I'm confused.

Literally what is going on?

- Uh, OK... - I'm confused

about where my restaurant review is in this behemoth.

Well, I know it's not exactly the assignment...

- No, it's not. - ... but I thought you would want me

to follow my instincts.

And also, you know, I didn't want to trash it.

Like, the shrimp was very good.

You don't mention the shrimp.

You got 2,000 words here about your feelings about... pudding?

And someone named Jade's triple C-section.

Well, she almost died, and...

and now she uses her scar as sort of her calling card.

She makes more money. It's...

I love the whole female empowerment shit,

I kind of invented it in the '90s,

I was the original bass player in Bikini Kill...

But you always say

to find the truth in every story, and I think that that's what I did.

OK, but this is not your journal.