Web Therapy

Previously, on Web Therapy...

Well, I have a therapy session with a client,

like we're talking right now, on the web,

and it's only three minutes.

I'm not going to stay with a man who takes some spin partner

to a hotel room and then leaves her

because it turns out she's not a man.

Sweetheart, that was a conspiracy.

Of course he wasn't turned on by me.

I don't have a penis!

- What you've done on my book... - Yeah.

This isn't very good writing.

- It's not that interesting. - Well...

It's a first draft, of course.

I was hoping I could just give you this little task.

Yeah, yeah.

You are the Austen Clarke, are you not?

Well, then again, you own the media anyway.

I don't have control of that part of the media.

So I guess you are in control.

III can publish this book. I've got publishing houses.

- Let me publish it. - You do, really?

Well, princess, how would you like to be

the wife of a congressman?

Me?

No, not you, my wife Fiona.

Uh, Mr. Clarke...

I-I-I would really appreciate your endorsement

if you would be so kind and willing.

They want a decision tonight.

There's things that need to be discussed.

Oh, my God, Fiona, my heart is breaking.

Oh, Austen, calm down. It's only temporary.

I just need her until after the election,

and then it's her decision.

So this is what the campaign website is, uh--

- is gonna look like. - I see, yes.

It's a good picture.

No, the picture I have no issue with,

but it says that we have a pet named Scruffy, and so...

You've gotta have a pet.

Then we have to get one, otherwise it's dead.

Well, that's easy. That's easy.

Well, who's going to take care of it?

- What kind of pet named Scruffy? - Don't worry about the pet.

That's the least of our problems.

It just says, "a pet." It's clearly made up.

We can win this campaign, and we need a pet.

Okay, if we have a pet, we'll win the campaign. Very good.

No, I--

Oh, wait, here's Austen.

- Hello, Austen. - Hi, Austen.

Hello, how are you?

- Good. - We're very well. How are you?

- I love this look. - Thank you.

- So much more authoritative. - Do you think?

Yes, you look so distinguished and, oh, all right.

- Okay. - You look very nice too, Fiona.

- I love that red on you. - Great, I'm right here.

Kip.

How are you doing-- how's everything going?

Do you like the website?

I think the website's fantastic.

- Good, good. - I have a couple of issues.

I'm sure you do. I have some too.

I, as you know, have taken on the role of godfather

of your campaign.

And myself and the backers,

we need to get the narrative ready for the world.

The narrative of Fiona and Kip.

- Oh. - Or Kip and Fiona.

- Of course. - Right.

Your marriage, for instance,

you know, in any campaign,

it's obviously very important--

the two people at the center of it--

you're going to be probed, you're going to be quizzed...

- Oh. Quizzed. - Probed? Oh.

And we need to know exactly where we stand on all--

We're--we're a team. We're-- we're completely together.

- We're unified. - Yeah.

I mean, I don't mean to pry,

but, uh, people will.

The Clintons, the Edwards,

- the Kennedys. - They're going to pry?

- No, no. - Oh.

Oh, people pried into their-- Yes, all right.

We just all have to be on the same page

about the story that we present to the world,

so, just--why don't you run me through it?

- Well, we're happily married. - Okay, we met, um...

- When was it? - I guess--

Well, he was dating my sister for a brief moment.

- We have to go back that far? - Well...

I'd keep that quiet.

- Okay. - Yeah.

You-you met. When?

We met, I helped put Kip through law school.

- Right? - Very good.

And I was working in the finance world.

Supportive woman.

Definitely the woman behind the man.

That's very good. That's modern.

But then we-- we don't have kids.

That's--and that's-- that's potentially a problem.

Well, that's why I thought we'd have a pet.

Why don't you have kids, may I probe?

Well, I mean, we've discussed it.

Are you pretending to be an interviewer?

- Exactly, exactly. - You know I have no interest.

But we can't say that. That's the point you're making.

No, I think--I think you as the woman have to say

you were unable to have children, bear children.

And so, we--we went through it, and we suffered,

and now we're--we're moving on, and we've, uh--that's it.

There's actually some--some-- some mileage in that.

Play the victim. I'm the victim of cir--

- Yes. - Unlucky circumstances.

But I still have a smile on my face.

Well, it can't be me, I'm--I'm running for congress.

- No, you need to be... - Virile, which is, you know...

- Virile, and fertile, and... - Barren but happy, I like that.

- Barren but happy. Right. - Yeah.

You never thought of adopting.

Well, no, I mean, we absolutely did not.

We don't really have time. We're just, you know...

That's someone else's problem.

- Right. - Why--why would I...

And, um, there's just a few other issues about the marriage

that we need to just be on the same page about.

- There are? - Well, like what?

- It's legitimate. - Yes, is there--

The wedding. We've got wedding pictures. Beautiful.

Just for example, you might be, in the future,

at some point, asked when the last time you had sex was.

Okay, well, what's your answer?

I know my answer.

Oh, you mean... The two of us?

Really? We're gonna discuss this in front of Austen?

- I mean together. - Oh.

Oh, well...

With each other.

It was, uh...

Very recently, there was a-- there was a something.

Well, if we're talking about light years,

then yes, it was recently, I mean...

First of all, no interviewer on any--

is going to ask that question.

I think you're completely misguided.

What's--I think there's something behind this

that you're trying to be delicate about, so...

We need to get--we need to get things straight, Kip.

Well, yeah.

Your story about the bachelor party,

and that's how the manly and lacy stuff--

Novelty items. What's wrong with that?

Really, Fiona, the details aren't important.

Um, what is important

is--is-- is damage control here.

And the backers, uh,

need you to do something for them.

Which is what?

There's a-- a center down south.

It's called the compass center,

where you can go-- a lot of Republicans go.

It's--it's--it's practically like a republican enclave.

And, uh, you go there, and you'll get some treatment

and some therapy, and...

She doesn't have to come with me.

No, Fiona, not you. No, no, no, it's only you, Kip.

It's for him, so that he can get straightened out.

Do they--do they-- do they have, uh, tennis there?

- Not so much. - Really?

No, it's more of a...

There's a lot of physical activity,

- but it's--it's... - Well, I don't mind that.

Oh, so it's real.

I mean, they really are going to...

- Exactly. - Do some therapy.

I don't need therapy, I just--

this is about winning the campaign.

- Exactly. - By "something therapeutic,"

- I don't mean sit and talk. - If I have to go, I'm gonna go.

- When am I supposed to go? - Now.

- Now? - Oh.

- Tonight. - Oh.

You have to leave right now.

Really?

Yes, it's--it's--you know, it's one of these things

the backers are...

They need you to go. That's all I'm gonna say.

Fine, if this is going to help the campaign, then I'll--

You've got a great future, Kip.

- I think so too. - And it starts right now.

- I'm going. Good-bye. - All right.

You don't need me to help pack or anything, do you?

When have I ever needed you to help me pack?

No, all right.

- So... - Hello.

Is it my turn to get probed?