The Millers

It's currently seven degrees in Leesburg

and most people are bundled up inside...

except for one plucky lady

who's dressed up as a Confederate soldier.

Uh, ma'am, I think the question on everyone's mind is:

"What the heck are you doing out here?"

I'm helping my jackass husband with his stupid hobby.

Stop talking, Carla. I'm doing the mouth.

And, um... sir, what is it that you're doing?

Re-creating the Battle of Ball's Bluff in ice.

Carla, don't slouch.

You're supposed to look heroic.

I should've never bought you that Civil War book, Harris!

It's freezing out here!

I'm going inside.

Don't you dare get warm!

You look different when you're warm!

And... cut.

This sculpture's giving me the creeps.

Wipe that racist grin off your face!

You lost the war, I have the right to vote,

and my truck has 30-inch rims on it, bitch!

Man, it is freezing out here.

It won't be on that tropical island

we're flying to tomorrow morning.

Are you pumped?

I am excited. I just...

I don't know what to expect on a tropical island.

Growing up, my mom used to make us

take educational vacations based on historical figures.

One year, we did Lewis and Clark.

Not the cool one, where they made it to the Pacific.

The one where they got lost in Iowa and had to turn back.

Well, this is gonna be different. We're gonna have

some of this right here going on.

- A little bit of this right here. - (laughs)

And a whole lot of that right there.

Yeah. Yeah. How about this?

Huh? Bit of this, and this, and this...

My foot!

Ow, my foot!

- Damn it, my foot! - Oh, man, I'm so sorry.

I wasn't looking when I backed my thing up.

Get it off!

It took you 150 years, but you got me.

You finally got me!

Get that white man off my foot!

Why me?

I had my boarding pass all printed out.

I was A-1.

The only other people who were boarding that plane before me

were parents traveling with small children,

the disabled, Platinum Preferred,

first class, active military,

and then me.

Ray, I'm gonna do for you what I always did for Nathan

any time he was sick or injured.

I'm gonna get you some chocolate mint ice cream,

rent Goonies, and let you try on any of my hats that you want.

Well, this sucks.

But it does open up my week and give me a chance

to get my car detailed, get my eyebrows sculpted.

Wait a second.

You're not going?

Oh, not without you, man.

I mean, I didn't want to say anything before,

'cause you were so gung ho, but I'm not really

a "sit on the beach, do nothing" kind of guy.

Nathan... I'm not gonna make it to that island.

You're gonna have to go without me.

So that all these months of searching the Internet,

looking for "best vacation destinations",

"comma, single men, comma, not gay,"

weren't for nothing!

Get your ass on that island and jump in the conga line!

Look, man, conga lines seem so silly.

Oh, oh, yes, yes, silly from the outside,

but from the inside,

they're glorious. Like Hummer limos,

and the parachute game where you go underneath,

and you're like, "Ooh...!"

Look at all this stuff Grandma sent.

Which grandma?

The weird one.

The weirder one.

: Aw. My mom sent these?

Oh, look, it's all my old childhood stuff

from the commune.

Man, if this blanket could talk.

What would it say?

I have no idea, but how cool would that?

A talking blanket?

What are these, old phones?

They used to be so big. (laughs)

Sweetie, these are videotapes.

See, we didn't have cable TV on the commune,

so my Uncle Phil used to send me tapes of my favorite show,

Walker, Texas Ranger.

"Hey, how come you use your sheets but you never use me?"

That's what my blanket would say.

I get sweaty at night.

Okay, can we at least get rid of this?

Whoa, are you kidding? That's my old letterman's jacket.

It looks like a grain sack.

: It is.

Except for the sleeves. See, this one's made

out of pleather, and this one's made out of plalligator.

You know, Deb, when I was young,

I always dreamed of someday asking

a beautiful girl to wear my jacket.

Aw. Sweetie, I'd be honored.

"Tom..."

"please don't put me between your knees."

That's what my pillow would say.

Get your ass in that conga line, Nate!

That's right... I'm in your head.

Now step aboard that booty train. Whoo-whoo!

Yo.

Yeah, got this.

All right! Yeah.

This is great. Oh, I'm psyched.

Now I'm psyched. I'm so pumped.

No, I'm faking it!

Sorry. It's not you; it's me.

It's just, I think I just need to be drunk first.

Oh. I didn't order that.

It's from the lady at that table over there.

Oh.

Is that milk?

: Yes, sir.

And it's from that lady over there.

Surprise!

Ray sold me his ticket!

Sorry, man. I needed the money.

Oh, this can't be happening.

You're supposed to be at home taking care of Ray.

He's fine. He's staying at Debbie's.

These resorts are so expensive,

I packed enough food to last us three days.

Do you want egg salad or turkey?

I'll take the turkey.

These tickets can't be transferable.

They specifically say "nontransferable."

I know, but I added two arches,

so it says "mom-transferable."

The agent thought it was so cute that he let it slide.

Yeah, and just like that,

I don't feel guilty about breaking Ray's toe.

Buh-buh-buh-buh. Let me get my black light first. What?

I read that hotel furniture can be unsavory.

Whew, boy! Looks like we had some spring breakers in here.

Based on the pattern, there were two guys, here and here.

There was a girl.

A natural redhead.

Okay, listen... as much as I'd love to stand here

and listen to my mom graphically describe

an orgy, I'm gonna grab my stuff and go to the beach.

Are you sure you don't want to take a quick catnap

to adjust to the new time zone?

It's an hour difference.

Yeah, it's gonna be tough watching Jeopardy! at 6:00.

When it's on closer to bedtime,

I have a better chance of dreaming about Alex Trebek.

What kind of dreams are you having about Alex Trebek?

Mostly we solve crimes, but... every once in a blue moon,

we end up naked on a double-decker bus.

Let's take that nap while that's still fresh in my mind.

No, listen, Mom, we're on a tropical island.

I came here to relax, and that's what I'm gonna do.

So I'm not gonna sit in my hotel room

eating egg salad sandwiches and watching Jeopardy!,

and I'm damn sure not taking a nap.

Really? You sure do sound like a boy who needs a nap.

I don't need a nap, I don't want a nap,

and I'm not taking a nap!

He needs a nap.

Well, Mom made it there okay.

Nathan sounded cranky, but he probably just needed a nap.

Nah, it looks better the other way.

Hey, what's going on?

Who taped over Walker?

Wait, Adam, is that you?

Uh... yes, it is. Who has the remote?

Hey, Sierra. I know you said

you're not interested, but... I love you.

A... and I'm not just saying that 'cause you're the only girl

in the commune not claimed by our exalted leader Jeff.

So since you won't meet me in the relationship pee...

I wrote you a love song.

Okay, seriously, who has the remote?

Nobody wants to see this.

Oh, no, let it play. Are you kidding?

- I'm pretty sure everyone wants to see this. Yeah.

Ray, we have to mail this tape to the YouTube.