The Millers

Here's to Nathan's mother moving out!

Oh!

That's the bubbly.

Now let's get in trouble-y.

Do you prefer to be called Nate

or Nathan?

Um, well, either, I guess.

Why?

Because I want to get it right

when I'm screaming your name in ecstasy.

It says “Nathan” on my passport.

No!

Look, Mom, this has got to stop, okay?

We're not... we're not roommates anymore; we're neighbors.

And neighbors don't just barge

into each other's apartments and start singing.

And they certainly don't go into the fridge

and cut all the grapes in half.

Every 55 seconds, a toddler chokes on a grape.

Mom, I am a grown man.

You got to stop trying to take care of me.

I'm sorry, I just didn't want you to oversleep.

Won't happen again.

If you find a complete, balanced breakfast downstairs,

just know it was made before we had this talk.

Mom...

Yes?

You already started singing the song.

You don't finish it, it's gonna be stuck in my head all day.

Oh, Mom!

Mom, no, come on...

Oh, Mom!

Oh, honey...

I'm still sick.

Are you okay to work at the cafe by yourself?

I can handle it.

As long as both our customers don't come in

at the same time, I'll be fine.

Oh, man. Tom, are you still on hold with customer service?

Yeah, they think I'll get bored and hang up,

but they picked the wrong retired guy

with nothing to do.

You know what I did last Tuesday?

I spent

the whole day waiting for a butterfly

to emerge from a cocoon.

Turned out it was nothing but a rolled-up Band-Aid.

Morning, everybody.

Very big day for me.

Nate's got a big interview with Metta World Peace.

Wow, oh, my God, Nathan. How exciting.

So is that a person?

Yes, he's a person.

I'm... I'm interviewing him about his new children's book.

He's an NBA legend.

Girls.

Don't know anything about football.

All right.

You ready to go, Mikayla?

Yeah.

I was hoping to wake up with a cold

so I could stay home, too, but no luck.

I guess I chewed on Mom's toothbrush for nothing.

All right. Bye, sweetie.

- Bye. - Get some rest, okay?

Okay.

God, I thought they would never leave.

Okay, I'm not really sick.

The cafe isn't bringing any money in, so I've been

secretly substitute-teaching at the school,

but please, please don't tell Adam, okay?

I don't want him to know that I've lost faith in our business.

Aw. That's cute.

That you still call it a business.

Hey, you know, Debbie's class

would be the perfect setting

for the Metta World Peace interview.

Yeah, you're right. Yeah, yeah.

We could... we could film him reading his children's book

to a room full of kids.

Yeah, it's fine by me.

Really? Oh, my God, thanks.

And-and we promise that you won't be on TV

so Adam won't bust you.

Oh, thanks.

There's not much chance of that, though.

He's only watching the Spanish channel

now that he's trying to learn the language.

His favorite show is El Seinfeld.

It's a show about nada.

You know, for a kid's book, this thing is pretty deep.

“I look into the mirror and I like what I see.

I am a person who's going to be the best that I can be.”

That's how I feel.

I finally know why women love book clubs.

Drinking.

Nathan?

Nathan, are you home?

Shh, it's my mom.

Ever since she moved out,

she's constantly trying to take care of me.

The other morning, I woke up with a night guard in my mouth.

And I don't even own a night guard.

Nathan, are you in there?

You put a chain on your door?

I had to.

God, I just... She's got to learn

that she can't just barge in here.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm sorry. I heard a fire truck

and I was worried you'd choked on an uncut grape.

Carol, there's a three-alarmer down the block.

There's firemen everywhere.

I want to get my calendar signed.

Oh.

Children's books?

With words.

Nathan...

who's helping you with these?

See, this is another reason that I wasn't letting you in.

Because wherever you go, this guy follows.

There's Mom! Here comes mini-Mom!

You're being rude.

Very rude.

And I was just trying to help.

Look, I know you were. I know.

But you-you know what?

You're never going to grow as a person

if you're so busy trying to take care of me.

So from now on,

think of this hallway

as the U.S. -Mexico border.

You don't cross without my permission

and I won't come over unless I'm drunk

and looking to score cheap medication.

Okay?

Adios, amigos!

He's loco.

Muy loco.

Ray. Yeah.

No, listen, sorry I'm late.

Yes, I know that the Metta interview is today.

But I just... I overslept, okay?

So just... please don't tell my mother.

Well, just hurry up, man.

Most of these kids think I'm Metta World Peace.

There you go.

Stay in school.

Okay, I'm on my way.

Here, I'd like to just

- put $50 on pump number six. - Of course.

As soon as I help this little lollipop

find herself a lollipop.

Now, remember, the flavor you pick

says a lot about you.

For instance, blueberry means you're sad.

And cherry means you're sassy.

Can I just put the $50 on pump six?

Sir, I am trying to determine

who this little girl is.

She is at a very tender age of self-discovery.

So...

I'm thinking about... orange?

Well, don't rush into it.

Have you tried tangerine? What's it like?

It's a lot like orange. You know what? This is enough.

Time for the grown-ups to go to work, so just, here.

Take 'em all, on me. There you go.

Merry Christmas. Happy birthday.

Good luck at the dentist.

Put whatever's left on pump number six, okay?

Check it out! That's Metta World Peace!

Daddy...

that stranger right there yelled at me

and made me take all this candy.

Why was he even at that gas station?

He's an NBA superstar.

When he runs out of gas,

shouldn't he just buy a new car?

Nathan, calm down.

Metta only saw you for a second.

He probably won't even recognize you.

Nice try.

This geometrically ideal bone structure

of mine is pretty unforgettable.

What if we got you a disguise?

Hey, Debbie, you got a lost-and-found box?

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's over there.

Maybe we should just...

mess your hair up a little bit.

Never, ever touch my hair.

I did not bring in 22 photos of Brian Williams

to my barber to have you mess it up.

There's nothing but scarves in here.

Who buys a nine-year-old a scarf?

Obviously, they're just gonna lose it!

I got it.

I'm gonna borrow these.

We'll Clark Kent you.

Ooh.