Shrill

Annie. Wake up!

You're fuckin' smart.

You're, like, a writer.

I've got a boner right now,

and it's partially because of your boobs, but it's also this.

Wait. You read my article?

And you woke me up to tell me,

and you have a boner? That's nice.

Well, yeah. I mean...

we're boyfriend-girlfriend now, so...

we gotta, like, support each other's work stuff.

- Mm-hmm. - You listen to my podcast, right?

Yes. Yes, I do.

I... I always do.

And this guy that wrote the second article

is fuckin' pissed.

Do you guys use "Hello" to start all your pieces, or... ?

Wait. Fuckin' Gabe?

"Why should my wallet get skinnier

just so your ass can stay fat?"

He's talkin' about my ass.

Fuck. God damn it.

Nobody talks about your ass but me, motherfucker.

- This guy flirting with you? No.

Are you sure? I mean, is he, like, giving you trouble?

'Cause I can take care of this guy.

I can absolutely tell that I can.

Not from his writing, but from his picture.

He's my boss. He's a fuckin' nightmare.

God, Amadi must've read it because he's texted me, like,

a million times. Jesus.

Fuckin' Gabe.

He's fuckin' stupid.

No, he's actually smart,

which is what makes this so fuckin' annoying.

Hey.

It's OK.

- It's gonna be fine. - Yeah.

I have to go to work.

- All right. -

But... you're gonna get in this bed again,

like, later tonight...

and, uh, you're gonna have to be ready for that.

Thank you.

- Bye. - Bye.

Fuck you.

Shit, have you seen my keys?

Nope. Maybe Ryan has.

I heard his guttural moans coming from your room last night.

- OK. I appreciate that

he looked after Bonkers,

but as I was falling asleep, I realized I still don't like him.

Come on, Fran.

I've wanted this for so long, can't you just let me have it?

Like, he's really trying.

One afternoon of cuddling our dog

doesn't erase a lifetime of horrible behavior.

If Saddam Hussein looked after Bonkers, I wouldn't be, like,

"Saddam Hussein, you should really date my best friend."

OK, what is the actual issue here?

That's he's treated you like shit forever.

You cheat on every woman you date,

not to mention you break up with girls

for the dumbest fuckin' reasons.

Like that last girl you broke up with

just because she listened to audiobooks.

You can't listen to a book and then call it "reading."

OK, well, you're basically the female Ryan.

Did you really just fucking say that to me?

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, you say shit about him all the time,

but we're, like, actually together now,

so I... I'm gonna say some shit back.

Look, I like that you're having this metamorphosis,

or whatever's happening here,

but I think this sentiment is incredibly misdirected.

Fran, I can't fucking do this right now.

Like, I have to find my fucking keys.

- And I have to get to work. - I can take you to work.

Aww. You can ride on his handlebars. Adorable.

I don't have my bike, Fran. I have my mom's car.

OK. Let's... Lets just go.

Fran, I... I'm sorry.

I hope you don't think that counts as an apology.

I demand a better one.

And you might have to buy me stuff, too.

- Hey...

this is pretty cool.

Like an adult relationship. Driving to work together.

Yeah, I like it.

I just, um... Are you going to work after you drop me off?

Nah, I think I'm gonna go home and take a nap.

Cool.

Yeah, I'm excited.

- Have you read Gabe's article? - Mm-hmm.

Yeah, that was fuckin' insane.

He's, like, going after me so hard right now. I can't even...

Hello? Dude. What's up?

Oh, I'm just happy to see ya, you know?

Not murdered and dead.

What?

You didn't see the hundreds of texts I sent you from the horse show?

Ohh.

Oh, my God. The horse show.

Yeah, the... the horse show.

Fuck, Amadi, I am such a piece of shit.

A true living piece of shit.

I'm so, so sorry.

I, like, had a huge fight with my parents last night,

and then I got home and Ryan was there,

and he was really there for me, and I just...

I fucked up. I forgot.

I'm really sorry. Please. You know that's not my style.

All right, well, you did miss a very good show.

- Oh, fuck. - There was this tiny horse,

and he did, like, a moonwalk thing,

and then he stanky-legged at the end.

- What? Yeah.

Fried Snickers? Hello.

- That sounds like a fantasy. It was a fantasy.

It's happening.

Oh. OK, I'm...

- I'm gonna follow her. Mm-hmm.

- And find out wassup. - That was creepy as hell.

Yeah. So I figured out a way

to link the IP addresses with the user comments,

- which means that... - You found the location of my troll.

Yeah. Yeah, you stole that moment from me.

OK. I'm... I'm sorry. I just...

I've got all this troll adrenaline, 'cause I'm all jacked up.

So uh, basically I just gotta figure out which comments are his

and which are just, like, other terrible people's.

- OK. - Like, let's just go through it here.

- This one says, "Oink." - Yeah.

This one say, "Oink, oink, you little piggy slut."

This one says, "You must need a Sherpa to climb the stairs."

"You have a snout

- and a little piggy tail." - OK.

And this one, again, says, "Oink."

- Different user, but... Yeah.

You know, you actually, you don't have to read them all out.

His user name is just "The Awesome."

So any of those, like, see that one that says um,

"Oink oink, I bet she uses a corndog as a dildo," that's...

Wow. - That's him.

Oh, wow. 'Cause I don't even think you could use

a corndog as a dildo,

because it... it would disintegrate inside.

Yeah. I'm not gonna actually try and use a corndog as a dildo.

There's no harm in trying.

Maureen. There's some harm in trying. Right?

Well, just depends if you dipped it in sauce.

Oh, God.

It's not... it's not the worst thing.

- It's meat on a stick with bread... - But the meat protects the stick.

Stop laughing. It's true. That's all they knew.

You're so mean. That's kinda lame...

I can't believe you wrote that. Honestly.

Annie, it was a well-argued rebuttal.

And I don't like this energy you're throwin' at me right now.

Yeah, you've got a bad energy, sweetie.

This energy is because your rebuttal was ignorant and mean.

How can you just stomp over an entire group of people like that?

Maybe it's 'cause those people are causing their own health problems.

Maybe they need to hear that.

Well, maybe someone needs to stop being a bully.

And the millennial pulls out the bully card.

Everyone got their cards? Not you, Andy.

Jesus Christ, you're a gay man.

How can you not be sympathetic towards this?

I was born gay. I had no choice. You do!

Wow, that is fucked, Gabe.

I used to idolize you, but you're just a close-minded coward.

You know, I think this is gonna end badly

unless you just walk away right now.

Why will it end badly for me?

Is it because I write about things that I believe in,

and you don't like that?

You know, readers don't like it, either.

No, the readers do like it,

and I think that's actually what you're scared of.

They like it enough that I have two

of the top three articles on the site,

so maybe you're the one who this is gonna end badly for,

because I quit.

I get her chair.

Annie?

I'm gonna give you one chance to take that back.

No. No, I'm not taking it back.

I'm serious, I quit.

I'm going troll hunting right now. Do you wanna come with me?

I need you to say yes, because I don't have my car with me.

Yeah. Yeah.

Damn!

That was intense.

I know. I know. I'm, like, kinda shaking,

but I feel good, like, I actually feel amazing.

- Like, I kinda feel free. -

OK, we just got the text.

Maureen says that uh, your troll makes a lot of posts

from this cafe over in Forest Grove.